Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Original poster

Please help me to help my wife - she's a MNer

101 replies

MarriedToAMumsnetter · 01/11/2005 10:54

My wife has been suffering with depression since our little girl was born 4 and a half years ago. She was not treated for it until a year ago. She has now stopped taking the anti depressants because they weren't working and they were giving her bad side effects. She was referred to a psychiatrist who prescribed a different anti depressant, but when my wife came off the ones she was on, she realised how much worse they had been making her feel and now she won't take the new ones.

The first tablets she was taking made her feel as if she was having electric shocks in her head every time she moved her head, that wasn't listed as a side effect but it's listed as a side effect on the new ones, and she doesn't want that again. She also felt that the tablets were making the depression worse instead of better, and that they were making her emotionless. She would rather feel something than nothing, even if what she is feeling is depressed.

She stopped the tablets about four months ago and was OK to start with but now the depression is back and she won't admit it. I can tell it's back, she is tearful and irritable all the time and she's so distant that I feel as if she's put a wall up between us. But every time I ask her about it she just says she's OK and changes the subject. I can tell she's not OK though, but I can't make her see that.

I don't know what to do. I know she had a lot of help on this board in the past but she got a bit self conscious about posting here and so she stopped. If I could just get her to talk it might help but she won't. I can't reach her to make her see how much I love her and want to get her better. What can I do to get her to help herself, how can I make her see what she's doing to herself, I can't force her to take the tablets but I need to do something.

She's out this morning so I have a little bit of time to ask you all for help. If anyone has been through this with their partner please help me.

OP posts:
Redtartanlass · 01/11/2005 20:31

Oh please, please, please don't be angry with him

Dropinthe · 01/11/2005 20:33

Please don't feel embarrassed-I have no idea what your normal posting name is-was just concerned for your dh and you,as I think all of us were. I have suffered from depression and it is nothing to be ashamed of,ok?
Big hugs to you-don't be angry-be grateful that you have a partner who so clearly loves you with all his heart and whom wants to help in any way he can.

Good Luck!

Mum2OneAndBump · 01/11/2005 20:35

I have not posted on this thread but have followed it, please don't be angry with your Dh he just cares and adores you and wants to help you, i think it is wonderful you have a partner like this.

galaxy · 01/11/2005 20:36

You lucky lady having a caring hubby like this. Do talk to him and forget feeling embarrassed!

HowEmbarrassing · 01/11/2005 20:39

I'm not angry with him, not really angry. It was just a shock to click on threads I'm on and find this sitting there. I can't quite believe that he would do this. I think I'm more embarrassed because I know he's right and that I can't keep on like this. I haven't posted on these threads for ages because the depression board came in for quite a bashing a little while ago, and apart from that I didn't want to be defined on MN by my depression, and to suddenly find myself back here again is a bit of a shock.

Oh, and those of you who said what a lovely man he is? You're right, he is. But he's still a muffin for having changed my name and not signed on under a new one!

HRHWickedwaterwitch · 01/11/2005 20:41

Howembarrassing, I'm not here that much atm but I have absolutely no idea who you are and don't care - I'm sure most people reading this thread either feel the same or, if they have guessed who you are, have nothing but sympathy for you and your lovely dh. Don't be cross with him, his posts sound really heartfelt. I hope this helps you two to talk about it and to come up with a plan. Good luck.

HRHWickedwaterwitch · 01/11/2005 20:42

Hey, maybe he wanted you to find his posts?

Dropinthe · 01/11/2005 20:43

Wish I had a muffin like that!

cod · 01/11/2005 20:43

Message withdrawn

HowEmbarrassing · 01/11/2005 20:43

Yes, you're probably right, most people won't know or won't care. It just feels very odd reading this and realising that it's me he's talking about.

It's pretty obvious that we need to talk, it will have to be at the weekend now but it will have to be done.

HowEmbarrassing · 01/11/2005 20:45

Yes, he's a pretty wonderful muffin, really. I know I'm lucky that he cares and wants to help.

I can't imagine that he would have posted the way he has if he didn't want me to find the thread. Maybe he just thought it was easier to do this than raise the subject, I don't know.

HRHWickedwaterwitch · 01/11/2005 20:45

HE, I'm sure it's odd but he was reasonably discreet I think! Don't worry!

JoolsToo · 01/11/2005 20:46

HowEmb - if you're who I think you are - you're very lucky to have that man!

Hope you're feeling better soon.

HowEmbarrassing · 01/11/2005 20:48

Jools, I know I'm lucky and I really wish he was here tonight. Thank you for the good wishes.

JoolsToo · 01/11/2005 20:49

if you are who I think you are - it'll be a first!

Hattie05 · 01/11/2005 20:51

I've only read the first few threads on this post, so forgive me if i'm repeating anyone.
But marriedtoamumsnetter, you may find \link{http://www.carers.org/home/this} helpful. Click on the find your local carers centre and get in touch with them.
You need support as well as your wife, this must be just as hard for you as it is for her. The carers centre will be able to help with getting all the services your wife needs, and they maybe able to help financially with paying for counselling etc. They can also work with your GP ensuring that your wife is referred to counselling and given a fair treatment in terms of ad's etc.

HTH

Hattie05 · 01/11/2005 20:52

or even this!

spookylucy · 01/11/2005 21:15

Wishing you all the best. Desperate times call for desperate measures, my dh came home with a big box of chocs for me this week. It was his way of letting me know how bad things are getting with my pmt. Im sure your dh was acting with the best of intentions, you're lucky to have such a caring man

Dropinthe · 01/11/2005 21:18

PMT or thyroid??

spookylucy · 01/11/2005 21:35

or just plain old depression! Going to drs tommorrow, so at long last we'll know!

shhhh · 01/11/2005 21:58

HE,I have also been following this thread and I agree how wonderful your hubby is. I am to going through pnd and I have up and down days. I now know how things are from my dh's side....

TBH both his thread and your reply made me cry...maddness that something so wonderful as having a baby can make us so sad.
I know exactly where you are coming from with your comment "I almost feel as if my reason for existing has gone. I hate coming back into the house, it's so quiet and empty without her, and I keep wanting to go back and fetch her home with me. I know it's stupid and I know it's irrational but I hate that there is part of her life that is closed to me now, and that other people are beginning to replace me in her life."....
My dd is only 6 months but already I feel like this...when other hold her..when others make her smile...when others make her babble...An awful awful feeling...I feel almost as though I am no longer needed.

I'm also off to the doctors next week..it's about time I was smiling again.

Good luck with things at your end, don't be to harsh on your dh.

HowEmbarrassing · 01/11/2005 22:06

Shhhhh, I think I'll probably let him live

It's an awful illness, isn't it. And it clouds everything around us.

Good luck with the GP next week.

Aero · 01/11/2005 23:03

It is a horrid illness, and you are so right, it does cloud everything around everyone involved. I hope, HE, you can get the help you need and find some medication which suits you as well as some sort of talking therapy which will help. I know only too well that the waiting list for this is ridiculously long as my sister is still waiting to be seen since mid-August, and her case was meant to be urgent! But in the meantime, her meds are doing their job and keeping her right until her name gets to the top of the list.
Your DH sounds like the best kind of muffin! Bless him. You (and dd) are his world and that much is clear. You both deserve to be happy and I hope you can find the path that will lead you there. In the meantime, keep talking here. Hugs from the bubbly one.

spookylucy · 01/11/2005 23:06

ooh aero, youve got me blubbing now!

HowEmbarrassing · 01/11/2005 23:14

I'm so uncertain about going back on the ads again, the two different ones I tried didn't help and they actually seemed to make it worse. I think dh said earlier in the thread that when I came off them, I realised that I felt better not being on them, in that I felt human. I realised that I hadn't been feeling anything, I had been numb, and it was almost better to feel depressed than to feel nothing at all because at least I was feeling something. I was having electric shocks in my head as well, every time I turned my head, and they were making me feel even more depressed. I just can't bear the thought of taking the ads and feeling like a zombie. But I can't bear the thought of the depression either, certainly seeing how it's affecting dh and dd.

Our local mental health unit prefers to treat with drugs rather than therapies and my GP won't even put me on a waiting list for talking therapies because the waiting list is over two years long. I think it's more because not putting people on the list keeps the list down, which would be amusing if it wasn't real people who are trying to get help. We can't afford to pay privately for a therapist either. Well, dh would say that we would find the money from somewhere but I'm more realistic than he is, and we can't afford to do it. Not and eat, anyway.