Am I ill, or have I really ruined my life?

[AllGoingWrong]

Sorry about the dramatic title, but I feel that way. I have a 10 month old, and really regret having children. I hate the loss of freedom, I hate feeling trapped, I hate the relentless thanklessness of it all.

Sometimes I look at DD and I'm overwhelmed by feelings for her, and I get very emotional when she does something lovely, or I think of her in the future. Thing is, I hate looking after her.

I feel anxious, and want to run away. If I didn't think it would scar her for life, and that people would judge me, I would. I know that's a terrible thing to say, but I'm trying to give a picture of how I feel.

I went through very tough times with DP until a couple of months ago, and now things are hugely improved, but sometimes I feel absolutely overwhelmed by how much I hate what my life has become. Sometimes I feel like I'm only just in control, I get white hot rages. I feel tired (of course), but I don't sleep well without sleeping tablets.

My HV has done the PND questionnaire with me, and I scored 12, which she explained was borderline. I'd be grateful for your input.

Thanks

My family aren't local, and DP's family aren't much help I'm afraid. I'm not great at asking for help, and they don't have much time, which makes me not ask, etc etc.

I do have some friends with children, but with the exception of one, I feel cut off from them. Hard to explain, I just find holding a conversation so tiring. I feel nothing in common with my friends without children, and I feel they're disappointed in me. Of course I'm jealous that they made the right decision and remained childless.

I'm not due to return to work for another 4 months, but may have some freelance work coming up. Hopefully that will help.

DP is very supportive, both practically and emotionally, and I'm very pleased things there have improved. I think I fall into that role that many women do, where I'm juggling everything in my head, feeding DD, cleaning, what we need to buy, what needs to be done to refurbish our house etc. I really feel like my mind is out of control.

All I want to be able to do is sit in the sunshine and read.

Thanks so much, you're very kind.

I've had anxiety and depression in the past, and some of the symptoms are familiar. I would LOVE a week off, but I worry that a reminder of my old life might push me over the edge and I might actually run away.

How honest have you been with your HV? Or were you very ashamed about the feelings you have about caring for DD? Don't be ashamed your feelings are not that weird at all.

I'm just not sure the way you describe your life corresponds with a score of 12...

The test is here - maybe take it again, very honestly, and see how you score. If you score much higher it will be wise to see your GP

The problem with any type of depression is that it makes you see things as fact that are no such thing (I'm a rubbish mum/person/I shouldn't have kids/etc)

I think you are ill. And you can be 'fixed'. The scary bit is going for help and admitting all the scary thoughts your brain has. This isn't the 'real' you.

Saying you need help is not a sign of failure. It's a sign of strength. Because it's really hard to do. And you won't be carted off and removed from your family cos they think you are too mad to be let lose in society.

You are not the first and the Dr's will have had heard worse. So don't be frightened of that.

And there's lots of MN's who have been there, done that and having happy lives. Don't feel alone, we'll hold your hand.

Ah, just did the test again (thanks madmouse), and scored 17. I think I'd had a pretty good previous 7 days when I did the test a week ago.

I think I did downplay things a bit with the HV, particularly in terms of how angry I get, and how I feel utterly desperate about ruining my life.

Funnily enough, I don't actually see myself as a bad mum, but it does worry me that I'd much rather read a book or go on MN than play with my own baby. How warped is that?

Thank you everyone for your kindness. Feeling wretched.

you know - you are still the same person (by and large) you were before you had a baby - you still enjoy all the same things. The fact that baby now takes over your entire most of your life doesn't change that.

I love my 3yo to bits but I'm glad he enjoys nursery and special school, and likes to chill out with his toys when he is home because I'm not sure how good I would be at full time entertainment.

Would you consider going back to work a little early? It may not be the answer of course but I had to go back at nine months and I find it does help. I love my son but it is exhausting looking after him - not sure I am naturally good at mummy stuff - and I appreciate a few days doing work stuff, then a few days being mum again.

Morning. I feel like I've completely lost my identity. I moved a long distance away from where I'd lived for 12 years 7 years ago, and, when I met my DP I stopped making any new friends. Nothing to do with him, I should add, just making friends in a new place takes quite a lot of effort and I was happier spending all my time with him. I was already feeling before DD was born that my social life had shriveled up and died, and of course this has completely finished it off.

You're right madmouse, I am the same person and I need to get out and at it. DD was a very difficult cry-y baby, so we dreaded taking her to things, even just round to people's houses. I thought we'd be one of those couples whose lives carried on, they just had a baby in them, but it's so insidious the way you make changes, and before you know what's what, your life is unrecognisable.

CelebratedMonkey, I don't think I can go back early, no. I know that my maternity cover person's contract has been confirmed until my return date. Hopefully the freelance work will come in.

I'm really banking on this all being about my mental health, if it turns out that I should just never had had a child I will feel like I've had a life sentence passed on me.

I'm banking on depression AllGoing, not on a life sentence. 17 is enough to have a chat with your doc, ask for some counselling and consider some meds.

If you are not breastfeeding you can also try taking St Johnswort. It really helps keep my mood stable but it doesn't work as well for everyone. But then neither do all ADs

I've had Citalopram before, and it worked well for me, apart from the side effects libido-wise. I'll need to check contraindications for SJW, I take other medication.

Thanks again for your support and advice, people are lovely over here on the mental health boards!

If you want to go back to work you are allowed to give 8 weeks notice of an early return. They would just have to give notice to the temp.

It sounds like you need a break and some 'me time'. Can you get a childminder for 12 days a week? Get a cleaner so there isn't so much housework? Can you arrange a weekend away on your own with old friends?

How much does your DP share the childcare? maybe he needs to do more? Is he aware of how you feel?

Will you make an appointment to see the Dr? Please.

You might want to copy and paste what you have said on here and hand it to the Dr so you don't have struggle with that initial conversation ( the one where we sit with a smile on our faces pretending we are just being a bit silly and we are fine really). It will also save the Dr some time in dragging out what is going on and they can get straight into helping you.

Don't feel alone. Do get some YOU time. Perhaps a massage or something that you can look forward to.

It's not a life sentence. It's a blip. It's a bloody horrible one. And it feels like life can never ever be happy and 'normal' but you will get through it. You just do it better with alot of support.

Hi AGW, I'm coming in late on this thread but I have loads of sympathy for you as I struggled hard with motherhood - it was 20 years ago but all you say brings it back in very sharp focus.
It seems to me that you need some time of your own. It doesn't make you a bad mother to need time away from your baby.
I think with me, it was the shock of finding - after wanting a baby so much - that I didn't want to spend every waking moment with him, much as I loved him.
Could you possibly afford to pay for a couple of half days for your baby at a local nursery? That was what I did and it was a life-saver. Also my son got to know other children (we had moved when I was 6 months pg and I didn't know many people).
Even if you use those half days to get your hair/nails done, go to the library, go for a swim....don't use them for housework!
Sending you love and sympathy xx

Hello everyone.
Went to the doctor today, and got a Citalopram prescription. I actually didn't need to do any explaining, I just said I'd scored fairly highly in the questionnaire, I wasn't coping and I'd like another prescription.
In terms of getting some time off, we're going to try a childminder for a couple of half days a week, and I'm going to go away for a few days next month to recuperate.
Feel a bit like I've been wrung out, had a wrangle over something with a relative today, and it was exhausting. I can only really cope with lighthearted things.
Thanks again for your support, hopefully these tactics will help me.

well done you x

Hi again. A bit of an update and a question. I've been taking Citalopram since seeing the doc, and haven't noticed much of an impact yet, but it's early days.

I'd like to see a counsellor to help me get my thought in order, is it likely to diminish the efficacy of the sessions if I'm on ADs?

Hello you haven't ruined your life but your life has changed considerably (as if you need me to tell you that!!) You sound like me are you trying to do everything and yet feel like you are breaking under the strain? That is me right now and i think it is very hard for some of us to take a step back and just breathe...there doesn't seem to be any down time and it sounds like you desperately need some down time...please don't be hard on yourself motherhood is hard and you need support and time off to do some of the things that you used to do. I am having a few hours off myself right now so i am advising others ;-) the citalopram should take a couple of weeks to take effect so please give it some time and please remember you can't do everything. You need to get some enjoyment out of life again and things will become easier. You can private message me if you like :-)

oops just realised that you have been taking the citalopram for nearly a month and you haven't noticed any difference? i would go back to the doc's you may need to up the dosage or try a different SSRI

good luck

Sorry, that's my fault for reviving an old thread, sorry to confuse you!

Just checked, and it looks like I've done 3 weeks of Citalopram. Thinking about it, I'm sure I did feel an effect earlier than this last time I took it.

It's hard to tell how much I do (or don't) feel better, as the feelings aren't constant IYSWIM. I feel like my relationship with DP is struggling again now, maybe that's masking the benefits that the medication is providing, don't know if that makes sense.

Hello
I would keep taking the citalopram and perhaps go back to the doctor this week if you aren't feeling any benefits.
I am sorry to hear that you are struggling with relationship as well :(
I don't know where you are in the country but I had support from the Enhanced Mental Health Team recently when i had a downturn they offer support with anxiety/depression and also i have a Home-Start volunteer who I keep in touch with. My volunteer also comes to visit me once a week when she can and sometimes we go on small outings with DS it just gives me another person to lean on and talk to. I hope this helps a little bit i was referred to Home-Start through my HV and the HV Team and the local Nursery Nurse have also been a good source of support.
Please don't feel you are alone if you are feeling overwhelmed