coming out the other side of a nervous breakdown...

[houseworkwhore]

Okay, not to sure where to start. In january i had a nervous breakdown, it all started a year ago when i had PND with my DD which wasnt treated properly. from one thing to another i ended up totally loosing it. i had a weeks stay in a mental health unit and was under the crisis team for care. I had no confidence and all i wanted to do was die.

Now were in March, I am coping really well with my DD and love her so much that my heart skips a beat everytime i see her smile, i couldnt love her before. or even look at her.

I have joined a gym and am really enjoying going and finally loosing my baby weight (a stone in 5 weeks) so i am feeling good there.

I have also got a job, i started Monday just gone, it is 4-8 which fits brill for DP finishing work to take over childcare.

There are a few things i am worrying about;

Firstly, in my depression i aquired what i could call OCD, i couldnt touch anything dirty and would have panic attacks if we ate out and had to take my own cutlery everywhere with me. I dont have to do this now which is good.

But last night my manager asked me to go and help out in our warehouse, all i had to do was stick a few labels on boxes. My hands got so dirty and i just panicked. which led to an attack. the first one in months, i have never been so embarresed in my life, i totally sobbed and my manager was in shock. she seemed to understand but now i am asking myself am i not as better as i thought i am?!

Secondly, My relationship with DP. we have not been intimate since DD was concieved in june 09. I am just petrified of getting pregnant again, and am not confident being naked myself let alone in front of him.
We had an awful row a few weeks ago and was talking about splitting up, however we are working through it, one of the problems was we were both so over tired, he gets up at 5am and always wakes me and DD up getting ready this has caused huge problems. so since the arguement in the weekdays he is sleeping in the spare room and on weekends in our bed. i feel like we are just exisisting and getting on with it. I love him so much and he loves me and we both want to spend the rest of our lives together.

Lastly, I went to a playgroup the other day. when i walked in there was a lady there who had been in hospital with me on the unit, she was with her daughter and grandchild. She started talking about me to people and people then ignored me. how do i deal with the constant ignorance of mental illness?

Does anyone have any advice? how can i make these things right?

I know that i am only 'OK' because of my medication. so what happens when i am off the pills in a years time? what if i get ill again.

Hi there,
It sounds like you've had an incredibly tough year, and I'm sure writing this post wasn't easy! I am writing this as someone who has worked in mental health, not as someone who has experienced what you have been through so please feel free to ignore any of this if it doesn't fit with your experiences! :)
I think you are doing all the right things! You are enjoying being with your little girl which is the most important thing. Joining a gym is a great way to boost how you feel about yourself and exercise is really good for the mind. Congratulations on the job, it can be really hard getting back into work after having a child, and especially if it has been a rough ride. It is likely that having a new job might trigger off some anxiety as you're in a new setting and having to deal with new situations. Please don't panic that things are falling apart. OCD difficulties are common after stressful life events and sometimes old thoughts and feelings can come and go. OCD if often associated with pressures or perceptions of being responsible for things and feeling like we can stop potential bad things happening in life (e.g. through doing rituals/cleaning in order to feel safer). Childbirth can be a triggering life event - what can be more scary than having a child and being responsible for it! I'm not sure what support you currently have but if you're interested in reading more, I can recommend 'overcoming OCD' by X or a really compassionate and readable book is 'overcoming depression' by Paul Gilbert. I have found this very helpful myself when I've been going through hard times.

I'd suggest speaking with your GP (or any GP at your practice you get along with and who is a bit human, not all of them have the best people skills!) and ask about support for mums or individuals experiencing mental distress. Perhaps ask for an extended appointment so that you have a chance to talk without feeling hurried - there might be some local groups or projects that can offer informal support. Did you get any follow up support after your brief stay at the unit? They might have some links. You might feel worried about how people will react but there are lots of services out there and lots of other people who have had similar experiences. It sounds like having a neutral space to talk with someone might be helpful. Your GP practice might have a counselling service or links to local therapy services. If you don't feel like getting involved with specific 'mental health' projects or services, how about joining a local community group or taking up an activity. I've found these to be good ways of meeting people and a way to feel less isolated. Is there a class at your gym you fancy? - I met a few nice people through mine.

Re: the ignorance of others. Sadly, some people don't understand mental health issues and can be scared of it because it makes them feel uncomfortable (or might actually feel a bit close to home so people try and distance themselves from it). When you feel a bit stronger it'd be good to challenge these people about it, but perhaps at the moment you might just want to look after number 1 and decide who are helpful and unhelpful contacts to have.

Lastly, with regards to your comments about your partner, have you any opportunity to spend more time together doing something nice, e.g. a day out, a short break? Some wayto have fun and laugh together again - this can be hard if you're both working hard and are tired. Could someone look after your little girl for the day so you get some time together?

Ok i'll stop waffling. I hope some of this is helpful, again, please feel free to ignore it!

Oops, sorry I forgot to put the authors' names in for that book (had to google it!) it's by David Veale and Rob Wilson. =)

Hi hotcrossbun, thank you so much for your reply.

When I ccame out of hospital I had help from the crisis team for a few weeks and they have referred me for CBT which has a huge waiting list so I am just waiting for an appointment.

Me and dp spend time together sometimes on a weekend as my mum takes my dd for us, when were together were so good and when he doesn't have to be up at 5 we sleep in the same room, I am getting concerned were just living like friends.

I will have a look for those books x

Hi there houseworkwhore! Great name!
I am recovering from a nervous breakdown too.
Take one day at a time. Don't beat yourself up if you have an off day (or even a week!) and go back to some old behaviours - sometimes it is 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. You will find new things challenging, it's only to be expected - and yes sometimes you will end up having a good old cry. Don't worry about it.

Keep snuggling your dp and tell him that you love him. When I went off sex, my dh needed quite a bit of reassurance that it wasn't because I didn't fancy him anymore - I do - but I just didn't want anything more than a cuddle!

Remember to be kind to yourself and treat yourself well, and a huge well done and unmumsnetty hug for pulling yourself up out of the pit