Why can't I tell anyone how I feel?

[ArthurMcAffertyandhisCat]

So far this week, four people have asked me straight out how I am and how I'm coping - any or all of them would have helped me in one way or another, either practically or . My GP, my boss, my mother and my counsellor (my counsellor, FFS!). Each time, I smiled and said I was doing fine and feeling better. Why can't I tell anyone how I really feel?

Since my husband walked out on us eight months ago, I really have been coping fairly well. But I feel as if a big brick wall is looming and I am racing towards it at a hundred miles an hour, and something is going to give. I am exhausted by the responsibility of working, running the house, looking after three small children and managing all the emotional fallout. Talking about it helps, and I've got lots of people who are willing to listen, but I feel as if I should be getting over this by now, and moving on. And I can't really put this sense of exhaustion into words - it's as if there's an enormous weight on my shoulders and it's crushing me. If I could bring myself to tell someone, they would help - with childcare, with time off, with medication (though I don't think I'm depressed) but when it comes to it I can't bring myself to admit I'm not coping very well. I just can't. I can write it down on here, but that's no bloody use to anyone.

Writing it down on here is not of NO use - it is of SOME use in that getting it out is better than keeping it in. But you're right, you do really need to tell someone close to you because you need support, and you clearly cannot keep going feeling as you are.

I am so sorry your DH walked out on you I don't think by 8 months you should be "getting over it" or "moving on". You are still grieving and are probably still in shock that this has happened to you. Don't pretend you are ok, just because you think other people think you should be by now. We are talking years here, of slow gradual re-building of your life. Not months.

You are very lucky you have friends and family that are willing to support you. Hard as it may seem you need to tap into that support and ASK for help when you need it. They are not psychic - if you say you are ok they may well believe you (although I suspect there are telltale signs you are not?) . Please don't isolate yourself.

Use your post on MN as your first step in reaching out. Well done for taking that first step. What will be your second?

Do you think one of the reasons why you can't tell anyone is that you feel that your feelings and thoughts would overwhelm you? That is a scary prospect.

If you trust your counsellor, could you write a few things down, and pass the note to her? That is what I have done before, and she has been very gentle with me, so the feelings I have don't all tumble out and overwhelm me.

Fear, anger, shame etc are powerful things to be out in the open, but your counseller would deal with them all very carefully.

I also would say that talking on MN is hugely helpful, it helps to clarify your thoughts, and then you can make a decision with lots of support here.

GetDown, the problem is I don't know what sort of help I want or need. I know without a shadow of a doubt my boss would tell me to take some time off, but I also know from experience that then I just mope around at home. I know my mother would come and look after the children, but frankly at the moment it feels like that's the only point of carrying on with things so I can't stop doing that. I feel as if I have done nothing but bore my friends with my misery - even I'm bored of telling the same story over and over again. But I've never cried in front of any of them. I just can't. The only people I cry in front of are the children, and that's just not fair on them. They are so small and trying so hard to make it better for me. But when I see how lovely they are I just feel so bad that I have let them down by not being able to keep their father here.

Emily, I don't know. I suppose it's possible that if I let it out, it won't stop. I don't do "out of control". I never have. I'm calm, organised, rational and sensible. That's what people expect. I don't have an appointment scheduled with my counsellor any time soon - we agreed I was doing a lot better. I could make one but it won't be for a few days - Monday at the earliest, and maybe later.

Maybe I should keep talking here, it's been very helpful in the past.

It's so hard to let that mask slip and show people that actually, you're not coping at all. Keeping up appearances sometimes is the only way you feel you can get through, and that if you let it go, you'll completely fall to pieces forever. Well, it will stop. You'll have a short period of time where you feel overwhelmed but then you'll be so glad that you let people in and wonder why you didn't do it before.

By the way, you didn't let them down by not keeping their father there - he chose to go, you didn't make him. Put that responsibility firmly where it belongs. x

I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling. The weight on your shoulders that is crushing you is the physical manifestation of stress/anxiety. I've had it and it is horrible. However, for the sake of your gorgeous kids you do need to speak to someone, and if necessary get medication for the stress. The medication used may be anti-depressants and they do take a bit of time to work, so you would be best to get a urgent appt with your GP. If you cannot put into words what you need to say to him then print off your post here and let your GP read it. It is hard to speak to your GP when you only get a few minutes with them and you need to blurb out so much. But be reassured that your GP will understand.

I too was 'expected' to be calm, organised, professional, ....etc etc. But in the end the cracks will show. You're best to get the help now when you are in the frame of mind to do so.

Good luck. Keep posting here - it does help.