Feel very down, have horrible worry and anxiety that things will just get worse and worse. Every few days I seem to blow up at my DH who I have come to feel quite bitter towards.
Background is we rent - DH doesn't want to buy even though we could afford to. Current rental is in a nice area but have horrible neighbours who have complained to landlord (we have the same landlord) that we make too much noise. I have 2 DS - 5 yr old & 1 yr. old. Ever since DS2 was born they bang on the wall EVERY TIME he cries. In the middle of the night when i'm trying to get him back to sleep they bang on the wall. When I switch on boiler in the morning for central heating they bang on the wall, as the sound of the boiler annoys them. They blank me on the street and give me dirty looks. They are a childless couple in later 20's / early 30's and are german, apparently German children don't make any noise. Previous rental was an apartment, we moved in when I was pregnant with DS1, everything fine but the place needed repairs - landlady never wanted to do them. After 2 years landlady wanted to increase rent from ?1250 a month to ?1600 a month. When we refused she sent us an eviction letter. When we protested her husband put property on internet and organised viewings!!! Whole thing was insanely stressful - landlady and her husband made snide comments to me around this time which i found v. upsetting. We want to a tenant-landlord dispute tribunal but the arbitrator was a frienmd of her dad. Both local solicitors.I am convinced we are about to be evicted again. I think i would probably kill myself if we are because I really feel that this is no way to live.
I gave up a good job to come back to ireland to live. When DS1 was 5 months old I started a new job here - it was a complete disaster and I was let go after 9 months - contract not reviewed. This plays over in my head a lot about what a failure I am as the job was quite well-paid and by now i could have bought a house myself. Since then I have been working part-time for the last 3.5 years for crap money but am always convinced I'm about to be fired etc. I also live in dread of people finding out about job that didn't work out.
That would be a small selection of the things I torture myself with - also about how horrible I look, i'll be a failure as a mother like i am at everything else, hatred of the way I look extends into how the house looks and how shit i am at keeping it tidy. I went to my GP about all this about 3 years ago who referred me to a psychiatrist who said there was nothing wrong with me I am on the "normal" spectrum & suggested therapy. No NHS here so no way i can afford therapy. I could go back to my GP but feel I have actually gone beyond that. DH keeps his finances seperate so no access to extra cash. I don't drive so this also makes things less easy to organise. Presumably this stems from my childhood was bullied from 8 years and really unhappy in primary school. Parents always ignored this and were happier for me to be at home and miserable than out and "up to mischief". Was quite academic so think they thaught I'd become a lawyer or something. They are a bot bemused at my current situation but never mention it.