I'm struggling so much right now. Depression sucks...

[dontrunwithscissors]

I'm just posting to try to vent some of my frustration and sadness that I feel right now. Please ignore me at will....I was told I had PND with DD2, 14 months, (also had it after DD1), but more recently have been told I possibly (probably) have bipolar after going high on two different anti-depressants, and some other stuff. I just feel so bl**dy low right now - constant and overwhelming thoughts of suiciude. I'm not going to do anything, but I just wish I could do something to draw myself out of this low. I'm at a loss as to why I feel this way.

sorry you feel so low - well done for writing it all down

Does mother's day have anything to do with it?

No, nothing to do with mother's day. I think I'm just stuck in a nasty low, worst it's been for ages. I wasn't convinced about the bipolar, but I can clearly see a 3-4 month cycle. The acute response people are ringing in a few hours, but I really struggle to say how I'm feeling to an anonymous person on the phone. But I can type what I feel to an anonymous forum. It's nice to just type it down.

glad you can type it them - you could even read it back to them?

Dontrun: do you mean that you first had bipolar symptoms while on the antidepressants?

Yes, the first real hypomanic episode only took place when I started taking sertraline. However, I can now see evidence of switches in energy levels for years. It was never anything really extreme, and I don't think I'd ever been hypomanic before taking AD's. I did tend to cycle between depression and feeling good, productive, sociable etc.

Know exactly how you feel and wanted to say yes it's rubbish. It seems so impossible to remember how to get back to being more buoyant but then slowly slowly the clouds part and the sun shines again. (It's raining heavily for me at the mo!)

Hi scattercushion, sorry you're feeling crap too. I'm currently listening to so me happy music to try to cheer me up. It's frustrating when it feels that nothing you do makes any difference. Hope we both feel better soon.

Hi Dontrun - so sorry to hear you are feeling so dreadful. I don't think anyone can understand mental illness unless they have experiened it themselves. I've had 2 major episodes and still trying to recover from last one - many many ups and downs. The downs are so unbelievably crap I know. It's so true that you feel that nothing you can do will make you feel any better.

I feel so sorry for you young mums on here as my kids are all grown with families of their own. I honestly don't know how you cope with children and depression, but I know you just have to, there is no option, although like you I too have had many many thoughts of suicide and have "written" in my head suicide notes to my loved ones. I did read a very good quote though from some notes my CPN gave me "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" and I'm sure that is true, but suicidal thoughts are a symptom of depression as I'm sure you know.

Scattercushion - I liked your post about feeling it is impossible to het back to being more bouyant, but then slowly the clouds part and the sun shines again. After 10 horrid horrid days, I think the clouds are just beginning to part for me. Trouble is I just get used to being "me" again and along comes more clouds, big thick black ones and when I feel like this, I feel I am totally alone and everyone else is bathed in sunshine. I know in myhead that this isn't true but depression makes us think things that aren't true doesn't it, and believe in them. It's a cruel and deceitful illness

Hope those dark clouds will start to part for both of you soon.

Thanks, NanaNina. It's nice to read that. ( not that you've been so ill before, of course, but to read such a supportive/positive post.) I'm grateful to my CPN, who is fantastic and seeing her last week at least helped to convince me that suicide was not an option right now. At least I feel a bit better from then. I'm going to have a and and think about those clouds parting at some point.

How are you today? I have been doing the moodscope tests each day which I find quite helpful - the comments you get are nice too and written in a non-patronising way. It's moodscope.com if you're interested.

I had a big chat with DH last night and feel a lot better - just needed reassuring that he still loved me and the dds. In the dark night of the soul the previous night I had convinced myself divorce, terminal illness and suicide were all great options

Cup of tea and a biscuit both good options don'trun, music too. I also am looking forward to my girls' night out on Fri, also forced myself to invite a friend round spontaneously yesterday on school run - despite messy house. Just normal chitchat was lovely.

Don'trun - have you read Running With Scissors? Very funny book about dysfunctional childhood.

Hi scattercushion, feeling a bit better thanks. I think I may be coming through the other side. (Courtesy of a medication change, I suspect.) Glad you managed to talk to your DH - it makes a big difference to me to talk, although I really struggle to tell DH what I'm thinking. I've got a night out with my sister planned on Friday. (I'm staying with her so I should also get a much needed child-free night of sleep. ) No, I've never read Running With Scissors. I'll track it down. I find reading something for fun is great (when I can focus enough!)

Talking really helps me although it is torture for DH - he finds it hard not to get defensive. I really benefitted from psychotherapy a few years back - the talking cure as they say.

Have a fab night on Fri - let's do a virtual cheers!