help, how do i deal with my husbands ocd, I'm getting desperate

[jellyjem]

My husband has had ocd for years now (i think he has actually always had it), it used to be manageable but has been slowly getting worse over the years. It centers around "work dirt", he walks barefooted from the works van into our house as he can't wear shoes in the house that he has been wearing at work (he even does this in the snow). He strips in the hall, carefully caries his work clothes upstairs and puts them in a box on top of the wardrobe, no-one is allowed anywhere near him until he has had a shower, our daughter has learnt never to give daddy a hug or touch him when he comes in. He has a stash of plastic sandwich bags which he puts on his hands to open the bathroom door. He uses 4 bottles of showergel a week just in the shower, he is also constantly washing his hands and uses 2 big bottles of washing-up liquid a week with the hand washing. His showers have always been long but they used to last about 2 hours, he is now in the shower between 3 and 4 hours on a good day, up to 5 hours on a bad one. This is just some of his issues, they all centre around his own personal cleanliness, the washing has got so bad his skin cracks and splits from the soap, he can put his hands under the tap and they lather-up. Keys, wallets etc all have to be washes before he uses them and he can't use a mobile phone as they break within the day.

It drives me up the wall with frustration with him. We have a much wanted and loved 3 year old little girl and he never sees her because even though i know he loves her he lives his life in the bathroom, he never sees her before she goes to bed in the week and he's constantly waking her up as her bedroom is next to the bathroom. I know he loves me but all this is killing our relationship, at the moment i feel nothing but anger towards him.

This week he went to the Dr's to try and get some help but since then he has got even worse. Tonight was the final straw, he got angry with himself and endedup shouting and swearing in the bathroom, punched the wall and woke up our little girl, she was really scared and it took me ages to calm her down and get her back to sleep. He has never done anything like this before, he has apologised but i feel about to give up on us. I'm sick of it but i think deep down i do still love him and during the weekends when he's not at work he's like a different person, calm, relaxed, a good loving father.

Does anyone have any experience of ocd, is it possible to get better? What does the traetment involve? How do I cope in the meantime, I'm getting more and more depressed and constantly feel like crying. I've considered leaving him but I can't imagine living without him, we've been together since i was 15 and we have a daughter who adores her dad.

Sorry this has been so long.

Hi Jelly

I dont have all the answers but just wanted to say you are not alone, as my Dp has OCD also, although not as severely as your DH.

My Dp's OCD centres around our home, how clean it is but also on DIY/maintenance etc. Sounds fine to some people but believe me its not.

For example I will be running around like a blue arsed fly trying to get our 2 Dc's bathed and in bed in the evening and he will be spending an hour and a half 'cleaning' the kitchen, wiping down every surface in a particular way, pulling everything out, shining the sink (!!!) and this is on a good day when we have not even prepared our evening meal in there.

He has cleaning rituals that he has to do at specific times every week and if something interrupts him then he can get angry and shouty at me which really drives a wedge between us and like you i feel like walking away sometimes. I could go on and on but you probably get the drift.

Do you know what happened when your Dh went to the GP? My DP is better on medicaton but he hates taking them so its a bit of a non starter.

There are really effective therapies out there, CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) is very good for OCD and dramatic improvements can be had.

I'm not sure its the 'right' approach but when my DP's OCd has escalated i have insisted he take his meds and we have discussed int he past that If he got a lot worse and would not seek help then it may be necessary for him to move out for the sake of our DC's. Thankfully its not come to that yet.

Do you think that things are reaching a critical point with your DH, have you been totally honest about how this is affecting you and your daughter?

It would not be good for her to be brought up in the midst of all this, can you say to your Dp that she is becoming more and more aware all the time and that something must change?

Hope you get some other maybe better advice in due course!

Thanks for replying, I feel for you, it all sounds very familiar, makes me feel less alone to know that i am not the only one dealing with this.

I went with him to the doctors on my DH's insistence, I think he wanted to prove to me that he wanted to get help as he has gone before when our daughter was first born but on that occassion it was only because i threatened to leave him unless he dealt with it. Last time when we got to the GP's my DH turned it all aound and made it sound like it was me with the problem! He just did'nt want to admit to it at the time, at least he has now. The GP didn;t give us much info just said he would refer my DH for an assessment.

We have had honest talks about how this will eventually effect our little girl and that was part of why he got so angry with himself tonight.

So is your OH better with the meds, do they contol it? I've found it gradually gets worse as time goes on, do the meds stop this? Any tips on how you cope?

I've found stress makes it worse. My DH's father died a few months ago and it has definatley got much worse since then. Its so good to talk to someone who knows how I feel, I feel really alone sometimes, no one else understands what its like to live with someone like this.

Hi Jellyjem

So sorry to hear you and your DH are having such a tough time with his OCD. I have suffered from depression and OCD for many years so can see things from both sides as I know how difficult I am to live with when I'm going through a bad patch.

The key thing to realise is that generally OCD is the 'effect' and depression is the 'cause'. So initially it is important to focus on the cause and treat that - which in my case is with antidepressants. They do work and keep me on an even keel - it can take time to find the 'right' ones for you - for me Citalopram has been the most effective. In conjunction with this - therapy or counselling can help with both the depression and the OCD. Courses of CBT can help with the obsessions and compulsions which it sounds as if your DH is struggling with. It's hard to explain but when your are very low - even the most intelligent and rational person can struggle with these - your OCD head tells you 'if I don't do this then x will happen' whilst your rational side counters it with 'Of course this won't happen' and you feel torn between the 2 with anxiety levels increasing the lower you are feeling allowing the OCD thoughts to take over.

I really think you need to contact the Dr again as soon as possible - referrals can take weeks/months and it sounds to me as if your DH is at breaking point. Perhaps you could call tomorrow and speak to him and tell him exactly what is happening - which will be easier without your DH around. Bear in mind with medication it can take 4-6 weeks to work and generally things get worse before they get better. He should also be able to give you details of someone for you and DH to talk to if things start to get worse - usually a Community Psychiatric Nurse.

You might also want to look at the MIND website - which should offer some local support contacts.

If your DH is reluctant to seek help then ask him if he is really happy with how things are in his life at the moment. OCD is a miserable illness and untreated it totally takes over your life. If it helps I would be happy for you or your DH to pm me.

Hope you are OK - you sound very strong but I know how debilitating it is having a partner with OCD - my DH will testify to that!

R x

Hi R - only just seen your message, had a busy weekend. My DH has been fine all weekend but Monday is looming and I know the OCD is going to be back by Monday night, its like a very unwelcome houseguest who takes over our whole life.

Thanks for replying its good to hear about things from your point of view as my DH finds it hard to express how he feel about it all until it gets to the point it did friday night, and he breaks down, i think thats half his problem he finds it really hard to open up and talk about it, he'd rather hide it but when your in a relationship and live in a little terrace house its impossible for me not to see whats going on.

I'd never linked the OCD to depression, but that makes sense as my DH's father died recently and they were very close. My DH doesn't seem depressed though, during the weekend he's been fairly happy, and releaxed its just during the week when he's at work, can depression show up like that? He is quite isolated i suppose as he doesn't have any close male friends, I've always thought that was just because he does'nt drink or like football which seems to set him appart from most blokes. I think he avoids drinking as he worries about loosing control.

Our GP asked my DH to book another appointment in 3 weeks time, i think i will make an appointment to see him seperatly in the meantime as it would be good to talk things through with him on my own. I feel better today (probably because we've had a OCD free weekend) but come tomorrow tensions will start to rise again.

From your point of view is it better if your OH ignores the OCD and just lets you get on with it, I never know how to handle it as if i leave him to it the washing can go on and on and on but at the same time if i mention it it seems to add to his frustration. I wish he would just talk to me about it more but he has told me he doesn't understand it himself, he knows its all in his head but just feels like the dirt spreads from one thing to another if he doesnt try and control it.

Hi there

Glad to hear your weekend has been OK. From what you say it sounds as if the whole work/dirt issue is the 'trigger' for your DH's OCD so yes it does make sense that he is more relaxed and happier at the weekend as he knows that the trigger isn't an issue. I am the same - if I have time where none of my triggers are around I can be seemingly relaxed and happy because I'm not constantly on the lookout for them which is what breeds the anxiety. I do think depression can work like this - I fluctuate widely from day to day when I'm low - always feel horrendous in the mornings and wake up feeling huge anxiety but by the evening I can feel much better and more relaxed - possibly because I know that I'm not going to encounter any more triggers that day.

I think 3 weeks with nothing happening is too long so I think it's a good idea for you to talk to the Dr - he probably doesn't realise quite how bad it is.

Difficult one re ignoring the OCD as yes he will feel 'better' because he is in control of it but it won't help things get better. Perhaps if you could sit down and talk about his 'routine' and see if you could set a time limit for his showers - maybe have an egg timer which he sets for say 40 minutes and once it goes off he has to finish the shower. This may take time to accomplish and he might need medical help to achieve it but perhaps the incentive of spending time with your DD before her bedtime might help.

I think it also helps to have something outside of work and family life that he could focus on - a hobby or evening class maybe?

It's not easy to overcome OCD but it can be 'managed' to make life easier for all of you.

R x

Hi

Have name changed for this, but just wanted to let you know that your Dh is not alone and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Just wanted to let you know my story, I am an OCD sufferer, which is quite hard to say. People often say thay have ODC, but that have no real understanding of the illness, it seems to have become quite trending over the past few years, and I have friends who say they have OCD with pride, but in my experience people with OCD try to hide it, honestly it's not fun taking 5 hours to leave the house of 2 hours to turn the tv over.

I completely sympathise with your poor Dh and it's really interesting to see it from the partner of a sufferer, it has opened my eyes a bit.

i've had OCD for as long as I can remember, I know I didn't have it when I was two, but I know it was there when I was six IFSWIM. Your Dh has properly had it all his life, and at the moment he is having some type of crisis, maybe brought on by the loss of his dad. My ODC takes the form of rituals, counting, re counting, tapping, checking things, touching the door handle with both hands and the same pressure, turning the tv over be going through all the channels twice at the same speed in a row. closing draws with both hands with all my fingers touching with excatly the same pressure at the same time. Light switches are a mind field.

One of my OCD rituals was laying under the smoke alarm watching to see if the red light would come on, (the test light) first it was once, then over a period of time I would think well what if it has now broken so it would be twice, it would escalate to the point that I would lay underneath it for hours or spend all night going backwards and forwards checking. Anyway I think you can get the picture.

But now I would say that I have at this moment got it undercontrol. It's still there, but I'm in control. The length of time between each crisis is more and more, in times of stress I have to fight harder and somtimes I give in, but ten years ago it wasn't in control.

someone has already mentioned Citalopram, initally I went on diazapram (sp) and then citaolpram, and to be honest I was on it for at least 6 years +, but ODC is linked to depression and aniexty so you have to get that in control before you can start with the OCD.

One of the major ways that helped me to control my OCD was to find out as much information as I could. I think rooted very deeply was a fear of not 'being good enough' and not being in control, by reasearching and using forums I was able to find out theories as to what causes OCD, which firstly meant it wasn't my fault and seconding it put me back incontrol of the voice that said do this or this will happen.

Your Dh may well be blaming himself for the loss of his Dad because he didn't give into the ODC if that makes any sense.

please encourage him to go back to his Dr as they the key to help