he's making me ill

[thiswillbelong]

I've namechanged for this

This is the backstory-2 children, dd is 13, ds is 8.
dd was a bit of a nightmare baby, but got easier as she got older, these days she's not too bad really, pretty normal teen.

I had PND after I had her and because of this, and some other reasons, I didn't want any more kids.
Dh is an only child and for various reasons to do with his shitty parents, didn't want dd to be an only child.
To my eternal regret, by the time dd was about 4, I'd allowed myself to be talked round to the idea of another baby, ds followed.
The PND also followed, but worse, much worse than the first time.

Various health issues for other family members have resulted in us not really having any practical help or support with the children.

All through his life, ds has been extremely strong willed, compounded by dh's lack of ability or willingness to take a hard line with ds. He's the kind of kid that if you give him an inch he'll take several hundred miles. I've always been consistent with him, but because dh can't/won't be.

Ds will never accept an answer for something if it's not the one he's looking for, and this can and often does result in him having a tantrum. At almost 9, these tantrums are getting ridiculous. I ignore them, but as he's getting bigger and stronger, it's actually getting quite frightening.

He seems to take great pleasure in winding people up, me in particular, and although I ignore it for a very long time, it sometimes gets to the point where I lose the plot (verbally) with him. I'm fed up of the whole family having to pussyfoot around him because of his behaviour, and I'm fed up with us not being able to do things that everyone else wants to do because of how he'll behave if it's not something for him. Surely he should be past this stage by the age of almost 9?

I'm ashamed to say that through his whole life I've regretted having him and this feeling is getting worse almost by the day.

I've been quite well for the past almost year, but recently I can feel myself going down that slippery slope again, and it's all down to his behaviour, and I hate him for it.
This evening, I had to shut myself in a room to stop myself from touching him, as I felt that if I went near him, I'd have ended up battering him black and blue-and I'm not saying that lightly.

I don't know where I'm going with this thread but I just don't know where to turn. I've often wondered if there's an element of ASD with him, as some of his behaviour patterns do fit, or is it that he's highly academically intelligent, but lacks the emotional intelligence? I don't know what to do, and my feelings towards him scare me

help?

Hi,

I'm not sure how much help I can be, but didn't want you to go unanswered.

Have you ever thought of having him assessed with regards to your concerns about ASD? I ask because I used to really struggle similarly with my ds1 (8) but since he was diagnosed with AS in January this year have finally found my peace and been able to focus on getting him the help and support he needs. Our relationship has gone from strength to strength since I asked for him to be assessed just under two years ago.

Your description of him having to have everything his own way or there's a tantrum and being academic by emotionally immature would suggest its worth investigating.

Could you sit and make a list of his issues/problems and take it to your GP to ask for a referral to a developmental paediatrician for assessment? The National Autistic Society's website is very useful in getting your head around whether or not you feel ASD is a real possibility.

If you aren't confident enough to do that straight off, come over to the Special Needs board on MN and post your concerns there. There are lots of us who have children with ASD who will be able to guide and support you if you feel this is what's at the root of it all. Its a really friendly supportive place, full of people who've been there, have a wealth of knoweldge, experience and information and more importantly for you at the moment understand what it feels like.

Whether it turns out to be ASD or not, his behaviour is obviously something that needs dealing with asap and even if it turns out not to be ASD, through the assessment process, you may well get to the bottom of it all.

Finally have some very un MNetty (((hugs))) having been there, I know how important it is to feel that someone hears you and cares.

Thanks so much for taking the time. I thought about speaking to the school nurse, but maybe the GP is the right way to go.
Obviously I'd rather he didn't have ASD, but if it turned out he does, I'm not scared of facing it
I'll have a look on the SN board

Thanks again

The school nurse isn't a bad idea, she may well be able to talk you through the process for getting him assessed in your area. (It differs from place to place.) Does he have similar problems at school? If so contacting the SENCO (Special Educational Needs Coordinator) would also be a good idea as they can arrange for observations by professionals such as the Educational Psychologists to take place, as well as arranging support for him at school.

Please don't be afraid of ASD, once you get your head around it it gets much easier to understand and to cope with. I have learned to handle my ds so much better in the last 18 months and our relationship has really benefitted from it. I never doubted that I love and would do anything for him, but some days I struggled to actually face living with him.

If it is ASD you might find that it will be a relief for him to finally understand why he's been struggling. My ds only found out about his diagnosis this month and he feels so much better about himself now he knows there's a reason why he is like he is, iyswim.

Please don't take this as a criticism as I have also suffered PND after both DD's (4 and 14 months). The second time was terrible (still is), and there have been times when I wondered whether we did the right thing having DD2. BUT do you think your DS has picked up on your feelings? Is he behaving this way to get your attention? I know children can be very good at picking up on things we don't believe are obvious.

It was parents' night last week, unfortunately I couldn't go as I was working, but according to dh, behaviour wasn't an issue. The teacher says that yes, he can be a bit "lively" but no more than she'd expect from a boy of his age. Academically, he's doing well-in national testing for English he's assessed to be at about age 11 standard, and maths about age 10. I don't read too much into these tests, we're in Scotland, and there isn't as much emphasis on them as there appears to be in other areas of the UK, and I'm happy for it to be that way.
He certainly seems to be popular at school, and gets plenty of invitations (and repeat invitations) to play with other kids.
From what I've read, he seems to have maybe 50% traits of ASD, and 50% which seem to fly in the face of ASD!
If nothing else, we need to get his behaviour sorted out, whether that be by extra support or by dh stepping up to the bloody mark and not going for the easy life option! (and no I'm by no means perfect!)
dontrunwithscissors You've hit a nail very squarely on the head. This is something which I think may well be a factor. Never mind the PND, when he was very little I had to spend a lot of time running about with stuff to do with my parents (mum had alzheimer's and dad is physically disabled, spent an awful lot of time dealing with ss re mum's care) and I'd be stupid tho think it's not had an impact on any bond with ds.

Maybe he's just too damn like me!

Im really sad for you and your family.I do not know about PND but I would say your feelings towards your son are not natural. If this is how you are feeling then he is going to know it.Do you ever tell him you love him and give him a cuddle? He is probably too old now for hugs but sounds as though he does not feel loved and his behaviour is a result of that. I really think its your son that needs support and attention now, not your daughter.....Please get professional help and ask your husband to make an effort and to take up some interests with your son...Cycling,footy whatever,just tell him to be a dad!You have 2 children not 1...and over the years he would of seen the difference in how his sister was treated.Sorry it was really hard to say that... but there is a child here that needs to know he is loved and i feel at the moment he is being blamed when it is not his fault.Maybe you have issues that need sorting first.

Both ohnoudidnt and dontrunwithscissors make a good point. Perhaps the first port of call should be to the GP for yourself to get some therapy around your own issues and hopefully that will help you piece together and disentangle your feelings around ds.

I don't know whether or not they do it in your area, but some areas offer family therapy, which might be a good option for you all to work out your issues together and rebuild relationships and bonds.

In the meantime, is there anything that your ds is really interested in? If so, could you make a huge effort to show a special interest in it, perhaps spending some time with him 1-1. eg if he likes cars, could you take him to a car show, or if he likes computer games could you get him to teach you how to play his favourite game? Common ground is a really good place to start building the foundations of a better relationship, its only a small thing, but in the eyes of a child, their parent taking an interest in something they hold dear is actually huge.

Another thing to try is agreeing that maybe once a fortnight you have a day together, just you and him where he gets to choose what you do - within reason - make sure there are some rules/boundaries set down before he chooses. We do this with ds2, as he's often in danger of getting lost in the middle of ds1 (ASD) and dd (2 years old). He really loves doing this, it makes him feel special and important. Its never anything major, just a bus ride into town and a trip to his favourite cafe, or a trip to the cinema, or even just a walk to the park that has the best equipment in.

I do understand that hugs and cuddles may not come naturally, but they may come in time, once you've started to repair some of the damage to your relationship. My ds has never asked for hugs, part of his AS is that he never thinks to articulate his need for affection or to read the cues that we are open to him being demonstrative. However, very recently, along with a few other small developmental leaps he suddenly started asking for a cuddle before bed. So now if he doesn't ask, I ask him if he wants a cuddle and he usually says yes. Its lovely actually, despite the fact he's 9 next week and has bones like razor blades. Its made me realise that we've missed out on such a lot over the years, but also see how far we've come. I'm loving being able to accept him for who he is and allow myself to feel how much I love him while he's actually with me, rather than just channelling it to fight for his needs. Somewhere deep down I think I honestly believed he hated me, I couldn't have been more wrong - he really needed me.

To be honest, if your ds is highly social and popular at school, its unlikely he has ASD. Most children with ASD really suffer at school due to poor social skills. My ds has one best friend and even that's unusual for a child with AS. That's not to say there's nothing wrong, it may still be worth mentioning your concerns to your GP. They may well want to refer him to CAMHS either for individual or family counselling.

moosemama, thanks again for all your input. The social and friends part is what makes me think it's NOT ASD. Maybe I'm overanalysing other parts of his behaviour-I'm certainly not a parent who wants a "label" for my child to excuse him being a brat! We need to do something though.

ohno, maybe I've painted a worse picture than it is, we're a tactile family, lots of kisses and cuddles all round(whether they want them or not ) and they're both told very often that they're loved. I'm always conscious of making it the last thing I say when they go to bed, or go out to school or whatever.
To be honest, ds gets attention to the detriment of dd, whether it's negative or positive attention.
I'm aware I probably sound like I'm being really defensive, and I'm really not meaning to.
You're probably right in saying I'm the one with issues, I'm a headfuck, for want of a better word

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Most of us have issues somewhere along the line, at least you are willing to accept yours and try to address them. Lots of people aren't.

It does sound like you are giving him lots positive attention as well as the negative, maybe he just isn't noticing as its always been that way, iyswim. I know I sometimes have to point out to my dcs what I've done for them that shows how much I love them - its interesting watching the pennies drop.

I still think the 1-1 time and stepping into his world with him for while might work. Maybe do the 1-1 thing with both dcs on alternate weeks or once each a month?

Fwiw, from what I've seen of the other 9 year old boys in ds's class, it does seem to be a difficult age. I guess they're no longer cute little infants, but are too young to be considered mature and I think some boys even start to prepubescence at this age as well. I remember my sister saying how difficult my nephew was at this age.