Feel like walking out. Need advice

[ImBrianAndSoIsMyWife]

Hi,
About once a week I come close to grabbing my passport and leaving the house and my family. Im on ADs, and on a waiting list for counselling (been on them since early twenties, now mid thirties - no life events prompted the depression, probably genetic predisposition).

I scare myself with how angry and desperate I can become. I am sick of screaming children (mostly in fun btw), sick of the drudgery of every day life, need an hour of quiet, need a full nights sleep.

My DH knows,. well, i tell him, but who knows how much sinks in, and what picture he has in his head. His solution is for me to take a bath, which is nice, but it doesnt solve anything.

I feel like a bad mum for not living up to my ideals on parenting, and for getting angry at my energetic non-sleeping 4yr old and my happy one year old who is intent on doing the most dangerous things known to toddlerhood. I need some peace. I have had four unbroken nights sleep in four and a bit years.

My house is a mess. tried flylady, but just feel overwhelmed and as my baby doesnt nap i feel like i cant get anything done.

anyway - the main problem is that it all boils up regularly and i want to LEAVE. I dont really, but need a break and cant think straight. Am beginning to self harm again.

I just need to get through it dont i. Feel daft writing this. just got to get on with it. sorry.

you still online?

yep

just read your advice to the previous thread. very sensible and i know just what you mean about the detatched emotionless feeling.

there is nothing wrong with you - you are exhausted
can you leave kids with husband and go stay somewhere nice for a few days - spa break - massage, facial, sleeping, generally lying around

it won't fix things long term but for now you need some time out

when you get back (if you can do it) you need to build in regular time out (I am a working mum with 1 3 year old so know it is tough) - you have to take better care of yourself otherwise you will fall over...

think you could get away for a few days???

OH i'mBrian - so so sorry you are having such a tough time. I have depression too (still trying to recover from severe episode last Easter and 3 months as an inpatient on psych ward) but I all my kids are grown up with their own families. I see lots of posts here from young mums like yourself and I honestly don't know how you manage with young children and depression. On my bad days I can barely cope with the cats!

I SO understand your wish to just leave everything and sort of expire - if that sounds right - I feel that too and I don't have broken sleep. I wonder if one of your main problems is being unable to sleep - a 4yr old who won't sleep is pretty unusual isn't it - is it a silly question to ask if you have any idea of the reasons. Has your depression worsened in the last year since you little one came along - was wondering about PND exacerbating the "normal" depression, though no depressionis normal. It's a horrid horrid illness and no-one understands it till they've had it.

You DO need some respite, some time for yourself and some good sleep for a few nights might make a difference. Is there any way at all you can do this - any relatives or friends who could take the children. I know one poster actually used to go to a travel lodge to sleep because like you she was just worn down with sleeplessness and her H was there for the kids at night. Do you have any RL support? Do you have a good GP or CPN? I am worried about your reference to self harming again and I can quite understand why you feel the need - is there anything a bit less dramatic that you can do. I just take myself off and walk and walk when I feel it is getting overwhelming and then get home and cry my eyes out. Does your DH know about the self harming.

PLEASE don't say sorry for posting - and no way are you a bad mom. You are looking after 2 lively children, depressed and sleep deprived - my god could it be any worse. Maybe talk to your DH more and tell him a bath isn't going to solve it and you need some real time for yourself. Do the children go to bed at a reasonable hour, so you have some space for you in the evening.

Wish I lived near, and on my good days I could come and help! I feel so so much for you young mums coping with depression, lack of sleep and the relentless task of child care, much as you love your children, it is still a long slog isn't it. Things will get better - a good start would be the 4 year old starting to sleep and as they go to school etc you will have some time, but that's a good way off with a 1 year old isn't it.

Post again if it helps and I'm sure there will be other young mums along to empathise with you.

Take as much care of yourself as you can.

Thank you both so much for being so kind.

I actually went over to my mums house (40mins) last Thursday (why is it always on a thursday) and had a bath, got into bed, but phoned home to check all was ok, abd my DH told me that my daughter had wound herself up so much she had vomited all the milk i had fed her and was crying inconsolably. So i drove home.

Im still demand breastfeeding, like i did with DS. I believe in it so much that i dont want to stop, but at some point it is going to hit me that having a mum who wants to do away with herself is worse than not having breastmilk on demand.

I long for a few days away. I havent had longer than 3.5hrs away from children since i had DS. But how can i go knowing that she will make herself sick?

I am going to talk to my DH about it and try to figure something out, not sure how i can leave them though.

Thank you Maggieny and NanaNina

Oh, and we have a set routine with DS, that starts at 6.30 but he just fights sleep. I co-slept with him until just before DD came along, but he is still coming into my bed in the middle of the night. Im cosleeping with DD too - she has very bad excema and wakes every 30mins or so trying to scratch her skin off (she wears special night time clothes with integral mitts but it still wakes her up) and giving her breastmilk is the only way i have discovered of calming her down and getting her back to sleep.

I am realising that my parenting choices are leaving me feeling completely spent, with nothing in reserve for tackling challenging behaviour or a particularly bad night. I just wanted to do my best for them and have invested so much into 'attachment parenting' that i dont know how to do anything else - plus it feels 'bad' to want to do anything else.

ps, im a regular - often spouting sane advice, just cant give it to myself

Just caught your thread. Your life sounds exhausting! I'm amazed you haven't walked out already. Sorry that's meant to be a compliment - not sure if it came across like that . I have a very good friend that's into 'attachment parenting' and whilst I have utter respect for her choice I know I could not cope with it. You sound really sleep deprived. If you can't sleep at night could you arrange to get some in the daytime if your partner/family could babysit for a few hours? You say you've only had 3.5 hours away from the children . Is this through choice? Would you like more time away? You sound like you need a rest. Can your DH not help more?

I find the term "attachment parenting" a little confusing. I am a retired sw and tm mgr of a fostering & adoption team for a LA - total of 30 years experience. We used to ensure that prospective foster carers and adoptors knew the important of attachment disorder and the manifestations of this, as by definition all children needing foster care or waiting for adoption have insecure attachment with their birth parents, meaning that their basic physical, emotional and social needs were not met, and these children learn that adults are not to be trusted and can mean problems for these children throughout the lifespan.

Before talking about attachment disorder, we talked about the secure attachment pattern between parent/caregiver and baby, in that the babies needs were met and parents were attuned to their babies needs and were emotionally as well as physically available to them. I imagine that most of the children of MNs are securely attached to their parents. However I don't think secure attachments mean co-sleeping with children for 3 years plus and also having a 1 year old in the bed as well (which I think is the position of the OP) sorry if this sounds like criticism OP - it isn't meant to. I just think this isn't necessary for ensuring that there are secure attachments between child and parent, which will be a protective factor for them throughout the lifespan.

SO can someone explain what is meant by "attachment parenting"

Well, It is a term coined by Dr Sears but along the lines of the Continuum Concept whereby the child always has their needs met immediately. I.e there is no 'crying it out' or controlled crying at all. Babies are always picked up and comforted by the mum or dad.

No nursery, always being with the family until the child is comfortable to be left with others. Demand breastfeeding, possibly natural term breastfeeding with the child determining when they want to stop.

Babies get carried around in various slings to keep them close to their mother instead of in a pushchair.

That is it in a nutshell i think - although I that is just my take on it.

It isnt to do with avoiding attachment disorder, more to do with optimising feelings of security and fostering confidence that their needs will be met, hopefully resulting in a person who has self-worth and compassion.

@Chockattack, DH works away for most of the week, and then is pretty much at his desk when he is home. He is very understanding however, and gave both kids a bath last night when i lost it somewhat. I thought about joining a gym with a creche, as DD is a happy little soul and more willing to be left that DS was, but Im not sure if i would use it enough to justify the expense (although i would love to).

Today is going ok. It just happens in blips, but i get frightened of myself when it does happen.

Thanks I'mBrian for the explanation about attachment parenting. Doesn't seem that different from what most good parents would do. My neighbour carries her baby in a sling all the time but she is Chinese and this is what they all do in China apparently and always co-sleep with the baby, so maybe she is doing "attachemnt parenting" without knowing it!

You must find a way of going to the gym because you say you would love to go and most people go because they feel they should or are pushed into by some one else. Go for it!

Blips are awful I know - going through a particularly bad one at the moment.

Hope you're feeling better soon.