Not sure what to do...

[Isthreetoomany]

The background is that I have a history of anorexia; my DH is unaware of this.

I have recently discovered that I am pregnant with a much wanted DC3. I have the booking appt with the midwife coming up, and I know that she will ask about history of mental health issues. I need to decide whether to mention anything about my history.

I know it was very bad of me, but when I had my booking appts for my 2 DDs I said that I had no history of mental health issues. I said this mainly because I was at the time very much recovered/in control, and so didn't think it was particularly relevant. It was also partly because DH is unaware of my history and I didn't want him to read about it in the hand held pregnancy notes.

This time round, my situation is a litttle different. The arguments 'for' mentioning it to the midwife are:

1. I have recently found myself thinking much more about calories again, in a way that I have not done for over 10 years (I think this has been triggered by me trying to face up to talking to my DDs about healthy eating, which I have found tricky but they are now at the age where I need to have certain conversations with them)
2. I have, over the past few months, taken a few opportunities to miss meals (but not many and I am a normal weight)
3. I am not sure how I will feel this time about my growing tummy, and also my post baby body

The reasons why I may not mention it are:

1. I don't think it will make any difference to the maternity care I receive
2. Except perhaps the midwife may want to weigh me frequently which I would find hard (no scales in my house for that reason, I have not weighed myself for years)
3. As per last time, I am afraid of the midwife asking about my ED in front of DH/writing something in the handheld notes.

What do you think I should do - am I mad/is it really wrong of me to be considering not saying anything to the midwife?

I don't think it sounds mad not to mention it to your midwife. The message I get from your post is you want to tell someone - I don't think your midwife is the right person and I think you are right she will probably just weigh you and give you a load of information about calories that baby needs that you already know. You need to speak to someone who understands.

Who could you tell who understands anorexia and could offer you informed advice? Do you have a good relationship with your doctor? or could you see a specialised councillor to off load some of your worries? maybe you could tell dh it was an antenatal app if you didn't want him to know but it might be useful to discuss why you don't want to tell him, maybe he could support you through this especially now you have the girls

hth x

Hi, can see your dilemma. Could you talk to your gp and see what the gp says about telling your midwife.

I guess if it was me I would probably wnat to tell my midwife purely so they can monitor the size and growth of the baby closely. You sound concerned enough to think about it. You have to do what is ultimately best for you adn your baby. Congrats on 3rd pregnancy x

Hi!

Can I ask why you've never told your husband?

My thought are with you.

xx

inneed - thanks for saying that this is not a mad idea - I think I expected to be told I am being ridiculous/potentially endangering baby by not being open with the midwife.

I wouldn't say that I have a good relationship with my doctor, but that is probably mainly because I rarely go to the doctor myself and when I do I feel the pressure to get in/out as fast as possible because I always think they are so busy. Having said that I do live in a rural area and it is a small, friendly practice so it is possible I could speak to a dr.
I would feel ashamed telling a doctor that I hadn't been able to tell my husband, though.

Couldn't see a specialised counsellor as I wouldn't have the money to pay.

vickylou - I haven't told my husband partly because there was never a good time to do so - know that sounds pathetic but I was ill before I met him and it's not something I ever talk about. I think over time the idea of telling him gets scarier as I feel bad that I didn't say something before. I also think I hold back from telling him because, if he knew, it would 'close off' the possibility of going back to my old eating habits as he would be looking out/pick up on occasions when I might not eat (not that I want to go back, ever, but it is of some comfort to think that I have the option - if that makes sense).

It is getting harder atm because of the age that my girls are at, and the fact that I am now starting to talk to them about healthy eating. This is all focusing my mind back on food in an unhealthy way. I don't imagine that missing the odd meal whilst pregnant would make that much difference, but want to do the right thing. (currently having morning sickness anyway so haven't felt like eating anyway).

I agree that it sounds like feeling you have to speak to your daughters about healthy eating is raising this again for you - as if you will be 'found out' as a hypocrit due to your past eating habits. I understand about having the door open to go back too - like a security net you hope you'll never need.

The gp might be able to refer you to a counseller that would be more specialised? Being pregnant I would have thought would give them a reason to bump you up the waiting list?

Telling your dh is of course up to you but if you think he would be supportive through the pregnancy rather than monitoring you, it might help take the pressure off being found out. If you tell him you are controlling the situation and showing how far you have come.

How did you find you felt about food and your shape with your previous pregnancies?

DH probably would be supportive, I think it is just about me being too ashamed to speak to him. Not sure what words I would use or where to start or how to make him understand me. Apart from a few times I have posted on here about my ED I have not spoken to anyone about it for over a decade.

I was ok with my previous pregnancies, but this one feels different already. Generally atm I have less control over other areas of my life than I had during my previous pregnancies. I was happy with my changing shape with DD1 as it took a while to get pregnant and I was worried that 10 years of restricted eating had damaged my fertility. I was very down after her birth though (got a real shock with how flappy I was right after the birth), but things did eventually get better without me reverting to restricted eating patterns.

FWIW I'm not sure that talking to your GP/HV would do much good because they would probably refer you to a dietician who would tell you what you already know about healthy eating. My g/dgt suffers from anorexia and she has told me all about it but doesn't really like too much focus on it. She lives at the opposite end of the country to us so we don't see her that much. She cam recently and looked slim with her clothes on but nothing out of the ordinary. I was a bit worried about how thin she looked without her clothes on - just popped myhead round the door to say something - didn't know she was undressing. She is 25 now and her ED started at about age 14. She is apparently 2 stone underweight for her height but on facebook pictures she just looks slim, and no different from her friends.

As far as I can tell anorexia isn't about food as such, it's about feeling the need to have control over something, and more of a mental health issue than anything else. It's a pity you can't afford counselling as this could uncover the reason for your need to have control and the way you do it is by not eating. Others have different ways of gaining control. Would you agree with this? I understand why you want to "keep it hidden in your back pocket" so that it is there for you to use in the future if necessary, BUT I think that is potentially dangerous and I absolutely think you should tell your DH. I understand that you have gone so long without telling him but there are now a few tell tale signs and even if this does make him more aware of what you are (or not) eating I think that is for your ultimate good.

Think you need to keep it from your children though, and I'msure that talking to them about healthy eating has brought your ED back into focus.

I think you owe it to your DH to tell him, and once you have done that, it doesn't really matter if you mention it to a GP or HV or midwife.

Thanks for the replies. I would like to think that I am slowly coming to terms with the idea that I cannot live my whole life without being open with my husband. I have always thought at the back of my mind that I should tell him, but being pregnant and also feeling as though I am tipping back towards my old eating patterns is re-focusing my mind.
But I am still struggling with whether I feel more in control if I do tell him or if I don't tell him.

NN - Can I ask whether, when you say that once I have told him 'it really doesn't really matter' if I mention it to the GP/Midwife, do you mean that you think DH would step in if he thought I wasn't eating enough? I am scared of losing that control, I think DH would probably judge that I was not eating enough at a point when I would feel that I was eating enough (if that makes sense).
Yes I do agree that anorexia is entirely about control. I am aware that I am now occasionally slipping back into feeling the high that I used to feel when I missed a meal/felt good because I ate less and maintained control. I have recently become a SAHM, and I left a highly stressful 4 day a week job and it was supposed to be a positive choice to leave to try for a DC3, but I do now feel that I had more control over my work than I have over my life outside/without work.
It is great that your g/dgt is able to talk openly with you, the secretive side of anorexia gets so wearing after such a long period. Like your g/dgt I was ill for a long time and eventually recovered in my early 20s. It is very common for anorexics to cover up their shape somewhat with baggy clothes; all part of the secrecy. I hope that she is able to recover soon.

Although I am finding it hard to eat at the moment, I am hoping that this week is proving difficult simply because DH is away working. I find it easier when I am eating at the same time as him, and comparing my portion sizes to his rather than to those of my 5 and 3 year olds. I can no longer tell whether I feel sick because I have morning sickness or whether I feel sick because I am not eating much. I am also feeling podgy but do not yet have a proper bump, and people do not know why I am podgy - none of that is helping.