What's wrong with my sister?

[springydaffs]

I feel bad about posting this but my sister just does my head in and has always been incredibly painful to have in my life.

I'm wondering if I can ask if anyone can identify if her behaviour comes under a specific category. I generally don't like labels but sometimes you need it to know what you're dealing with. I will try to list some of the symptoms:

• hate. She is full of hate, constantly talking about how she hates this or that. Conversation is very limited as literally almost anything I have to say meets with 'oh I hate that/him/her' and the conversation is closed.
• unstable relationships. No-one hangs around which makes her very miserable as she thinks she is a very caring person. she is, as long as things go entirely her way, on everything.
• disloyal. She has been very disloyal to me - treacherous - and from childhood regularly takes my friends/boyfriends/gardener (!), bad-mouths me to my friends etc (who won't even talk to me once she has got to them - I can't imagine what she is saying). She tries to get my children on her 'side' - if I have an argument with my children she buddies up to them. She moved my 18 yr old dd lock, stock, out of my house when I was out and took dd to hers - dd and I had been going through a tough time. Sister didn't tell me where dd was or that she had taken her. She also made very good friends with my abusive ex, telling me she could be friends with whomever she pleases - he was invited to all family functions, I was not.
• considers she is a cut above and that her house is hallowed ground, that I, or anyone, is lucky to be invited there or to be part of her family (whom she thinks the sun shines out of backsides etc).
• generally superior about everything she has done or achieved - which, tbh, isn't much! I'm not being horrible, it's just true. But thinks she is the expert on everything - even that people are lazy to not work, though she hasn't had a job for over 25 years. She sneers at any work I have done, though I have worked constantly for years.
• sharply upbraids me for being jealous that she has friends (erm... no!)
• holds a grudge, for EVER. Hates her neighbour with a passion - the hatred is unbelievable. I guess this is part of the hate thing.
• doesn't see me as a real person - (this one is hard to explain) expects total loyalty from me regarding the people she has fallen out with (many) but blithely informs me that she 'loves' people who have done the dirty on me (this is part of disloyal too) and expects me to accept it. If I am ill, or something is wrong, doesn't see me as real somehow, but expects everyone to move heaven and earth regarding her chronic medical problem.
• thinks everybody is wierd and gets easily spooked by people's behaviour.
• has myriad fears/phobias - which everyone is expected to accommodate, she is outraged if people don't totally accommodate her extensive phobias.
• her conversation is constant complaining (I dread being alone with her) but accuses me of dumping if I share a problem and cuts me off if I talk about any difficulty I am facing.
• everything has to be on her terms in every possible way.
• frequently freezes me and other people out, for years. Categorically refuses to explain what is wrong.

etc! many etcs . I love her but she's a nightmare

Otherwise quite a nice person! Sorry to be flippant but it seems clear to me that your sister is very envious of you and has to try to prove that she is better than you. Remember it's only losers that try to score points. She sounds like she has some kind of personality disorder. I'd be interested in your childhoods - how many years between you and how were you parented, was their rivalry when you were kids.

Sorry for you cus she sounds a nightmare and a very unhappy and unfulfilled person - very sad really. Do you have any idea what might be causing her to behave in such a self-destructive way.

I'm sorry to say it but some people are just not very nice - or become bitter because the high expectations they have of what life owes them are not met. Doesn't necessarily mean that there is a mental health problem involved. And even if there is, unless she is willing to acknowledge it and get some help it's no good. I can just imagine what she will say when you suggest she gets some help for a potential mental health issue....

if she keeps hurting you cut her out of your life as much as you feel able. You don't have to like her and have contact with her just because she is your sister.

Sorry if that sounds harsh - but you need to look after yourself.

An armchair diagnosis will not help anything, really. No point speculating what she may or may not 'have'.....but she does sound a bit of a nightmare!

I've lived with her long enough Selks - I just thought that maybe if she fitted a category of some kind it might help to make sense of it all. Probably futile in one respect but helps me to get some kind of distance.

I have retreated at various time, sometimes for years, but our parents are old and it is too upsetting for them for there to be a split in the family. I may have to revisit that idea though as she is just too painful to have in my life. I've managed to keep her at a distance without there being a dramatic split. She categorically refuses to even contemplate that she may have some part in the cause of the tension between us: I am apparently totally at fault (for some strange, genetic, otherworldly reason..), to the point where I have in the past been completely baffled at what I am supposed to have done as there is nothing tangible I could point to (not that that is necessarily an indication of a toxic personality - plenty are toxic without doing anything tangibly horrid) - though there are endless things she has done to me! If anybody could be bitter and twisted it is me, tbh.

We are close in age though I am the oldest. I have a good idea what may have caused her to become so distorted (for want of a better word) - not one thing but a few - and an almost pathological jealousy is very probably in the mix somewhere, as well as other things, nothing to do with me. Sorry to be vague but don't want to be outed - I felt bad enough posting it, though it has helped to write it out. Here's the thing: she has been dealt some difficult blows in life... but so have I, and so have many people I know. It is as though she totally refuses to accept that life can be horrible and totally unfair sometimes. She has a kind of monstrous willfulness: she will have life on her terms, she will not accept what she doesn't want, the universe will bend to her will; as though she believes it is her responsibility to think her way into a perfect life and she gets extremely angry that life doesn't obey, has disappointed her and not come up with the goods she expects - no, demands: how dare it defy her! She has a lot to be grateful for but just doesn't see it. Her lot in life is a great deal better than mine in almost every way - but she acts as though she deserves her blessings because people like her get good things - and people like me don't..

Anyway, I'm going on now and feeling badder and badder that I'm picking her apart. I appreciate the replies - thanks.

Sounds to me as if she may be compensating for low self-esteem, by surrounding herself with people who tell her you're crap she can feel better about herself. It'd also explain the anger when she feels she's been mistreated, her failure to admit any shortcoming and her separating herself from other people, except when there's a solid "your enemy is my enemy" bond that means they're more likely to ignore her shortcomings. Her past experiences may have left her with an irrational need for control and a pessimistic outlook too.

I'm not sure what to suggest, except to bear in mind that people are the product of their experiences and their environments, no-one really wants to become that sort of person, it's usually the result of external influences. I guess raising the issue with her would just make her defensive, but if she could get some kind of help dealing with her past experiences and changing her outlook (I'd recommend CBT) it would probably do both of you a world of good.

Best of luck :)

Springydaffs, sorry you have this to deal with.

I think your approach on this thread is probably quite a good one. You cannot change her behaviour, but you can change your reaction to it, and in seeking to gain a better understanding of WHY she is like she is, or finding a way to square it all in your head will be helpful to you. Agree with selks that an armchair diagnosis won't be helpful, and you yourself dislike labels, but shift your focus ever so slightly away from "what exactly is wrong with her" to "how can I understand her behaviour better" - not for her benefit (it doesn't sound as though you owe her anything) but for your own.