What kind of help do I need?

[FeelingSoLowDepressed]

This is my first time posting here but its the best place for me to seek advice i think!

where do i start? Feeling pretty down and i suppose this has been part of my life for a number of years. I have a husband and 2 boys 10 and 14. The 14yr old has been really nasty to me today and its upset me and brought me down again and left me with questions like why am i such a bad mum? why arent i a good enough wife? why am i such a horrible person according to my son? I feel like running away from this life this house. I am so upset I cant stop crying. For most of my married years ive been depressed i think. thats what DH says anyway and i think its true. But the thing is things are not great with our marriage and we just muddle along for the kids sake.

I cant remember exactly how old i was when i was last happy properly. My 14yr old has a point in what he says and I blame myself for being such a moody cow all the time. He picks up on that.In recent years because of my unhappiness i have taken my feelings out on the kids,family memebers and other close people. I dont have that many friends and ones i do have dont know this side of me who lives this other life of depression. I work part time and they dont have a clue either.

I have been to counselling and psychotherapy a few times but we just go round and round in circles. It doesnt benefit me only highlights all my unhappiness and then i cant cope with it as i cant talk to DH about it. On the outside everyone thinks im so happy with DH and all is fine because he is a very good man and good father and provider but he is just not for me.

Another thing,every year for past 7 years i hit a low then see a counsellor or gp. once gp sent me to cbt but that didnt help and last year i had to ask for AD because things were so bad for me. I took them for 6 months and didnt see huge improvements only i wasnt crying and getting emotional at everything. Then i fell pregnant and i stopped taking them. But 10 wks later i lost the pregnancy and that was 2 months ago and havent been back on the AD.

At the moment i dont feel like doing anything in the house, ie cooking but only when i force myself.im starting to avoid seeing people. I dont like talking to anyone on the phone.

who am i as a person, where's the real me?why cant i be happy like other people? it seems almost everyone has a life and are happy and 'normal'. i feel as if im just coasting along. im sorry this is long but i tried to keep it short thats why it might not make sense in places.

I know i have mild depression as thats what gp said last time but will the AD magically make my relationships with family better. I think im just an ungrateful person who has it good but still unhappy.

Oh feeling so low - please don't beat yourself up and think you have ruined your family. 14 year old boys are awful - they are so selfish (and don't realise it) all part of the dreadful teenage years, so I realy wouldn't stress yourself out over what he has said. Trouble is with teenagers you need to have a strong sense of self and that you don't have, so you will absorb the negative stuff.

I think it's really tough that you say you "can't" talk to your DH - why is this - have you ever tried or does he just stone wall you when you try. You must be exhausted by this sort of double life you are leading and keeping up a pretence that all is well.

The way you are describing yourself (not wanting to do anything, not answering phone, avoiding people) is most definitely depression. I have been there and still am. I have had 2 major episodes of sever depression (both times in psych ward for 3 months) last one last Easter and am still struggling to get better - go up and down and never know when the next down is going to come. I recognise all the things you say about how you feel. I am fortunate as my kids are all grown up with their own families and I have a supportive DP but he does "lose" it sometimes because of the tension around my depression.

When we are depressed it is very easy to think everyone else is ok and normal (whatever that means) and we compare ourselves to them. In reality everyone else isn't ok as depression hits 1 in 4 people (mainly women) at some point in their lives and 6 will be suffering at any one time. When I am down I actually envy anyone who seems to be getting on with their life, chatting and laughing etc, and I'm not an envious person.

No ADs won't magically make your relationships with your family better - they treat the symptoms not the cause, but if you get the right one for you, they will lift your mood sufficiently for you to cope better at working on your family relationships. Maybe the last ones weren't right for you, although it seems they did help a bit with the symptoms.

There is a thread on here called "What does depression feel like for you" -I think you could have a look at it and identify with what a lot of people are saying. I know I have and it is only people who have suffered this awful illness who understand it.

It is easy to think badly of yourself when depressed - I do too and cry about being hopeless anda drain on everyone etc etc but it is the depression talking -another nasty trickit plays on us.

Can't manage anymore cus having crap day myself today though it is just lifting a bit but have migraine from all the crying and feel totally washed out.

See there's ONE person who is feeling crap that you didn't know about and you will find plenty of others on the MH thread.

Maybe go see the GP and take his or her advice. Maybe you do need ADs again and need to take them for longer, but that is something you need to discuss with your GP.

Take care of yourself and I'm sure you are a realy nice person underneath all that depressive fog..............come back and tell us how you are..NN

The way you describe your present state sounds like depression though obviously only you/those close to you or a doctor could say how bad. It can be hard to think straight and clearly when you feel so crap, you should go and see a doctor. He/she will only be able to really appreciate the state of your depression if you are truely honest about it.

If you haven't already it would probably help to educate yourself about depression and how to better live with it.

I don't suffer from depression but have grown up with a mother who does. I am now nearly 40. I remember it as a teenager, her blaming me for her life being crap, her being irrationally angry at me/step-Dad/state of the house, weeping a lot, being jealous of me having friends and activities I enjoyed etc. I am now nearly 40 and her depression affects me differently. On the whole I am bored with it and pissed off with her for doing so little about it and for not taking bloody responsibility for it. It affects our relationship. She desperately wants us to have a closer relationship but I keep her at arms length as I find it draining and not much fun really. I have tried for so many years to help her, eg campaigning for years to get her to join a gym, offering to pay for her to go to counselling/therapy. It took 3 years to get her to join a gym but she finally did it and it makes so much difference. I would love to be able to help her but I have accepted I can't make her happy only she can do that. However on the plus side she seems to accept her state of unhappiness more easily these days and it seems to trouble her less than it used to. The worst stage of it seems to have passed and she lives more easily with it now. I probably sound very unsympathetic but its affected me a fair bit and taken its toll on me over the years. I still feel she could do a fair bit more.

From my own position I know that domestic life, marriage, kids, chores etc is very draining, often boring and unrewarding and can make you feel really down. Some people are naturally happy, others less so. But you can work on happiness: positive thinking, being active, getting out can lift your mood, Paul McKenna does excellent audio stuff to retrain your thinking. I know a leading psychiatrist working in this area and he swears by fish oils MOREPA in particular. I've asked him a lot about how I can help my Mum. In short he said I can't , only she can help herself.

Depression is something that doctors may be able to help with, you might be able to see one who can give you helpful information and support if you don't want to take medication. There are various non-chemical ways you can alter your brain chemistry eg positive thinking and cbt type stuff. This may seem like a ridiculous idea but there is a fair bit of evidence that physical exercise (particularly outdoor) helps alter brain chemistry and can help with depression. Might you be interested in starting jogging, running, cycling or walking? If so you'd find loads of stuff on the internet or is there a local YMCA fitness place - they often do walking groups and other classes that are generally pretty good and they cater for all fitness levels, including ill people and unfit people.

Additionally, it sounds to me like you are being dragged down by your unhappiness with your general everyday life, house, husband, kids etc. It's good that you have work that is an alternative to being home but maybe you should try and find something else to immerse yourself in, to learn about, to become good at and help to feel good about yourself.

I hope you can improve your situation. I think its all small steps. But a few small improvements make for more and greater improvements in the same way that feeling crap and negative leads to more of the same.

I'm sending you positive vibes.

i really appreciate your replies.

NanaNina I have to admire the fact that you gave excellent advice as well as having a bad day yourself. i cant imagine doing anything like that although I am very nice to people irl. ADs did help take the edge off last time so I think I better go back to the gp - it needs to be done as i cant continue like this. You're right about trying to live this double life. I enjoy myself when im out with other people and also at work with colleagues. Its just coming back home. I feel a cloud over me. Funnily enough the 14yr old said the same - he'd rather stay out then come spend time at home! I dont know how to change the situation as its been going on for a long time. I have talked to DH before but he isnt much of a talker and doesnt really get me. He is so used to seeing me like this so i dont say anything as he has heard it all before. I think he expects me to snap out of it or get some ADs and all will be well. I know its hard for him living with me thats propbably why I dont expect anything from him. He does enough with the kids as it is. I think im too complex for him to understand my needs. But then again i dont know what i want either. As far as my teen is concerned you're right, i am absorbing all the negatives. He crushes me in one swoop.

catchingflies I understand how you feel about your mum. My mum has also suffered depression most of her adult life and recently ive started noticing myself saying 'im turning into mum'. you are so right in saying I ought to educate myself on living with depression. I never thought about it like that before. Its been with me so long but I think its part of me who i am so i need to deal with it in small steps like you said. I have short bouts of happiness where im immersed in something and im able to get on. Thats probably a few months in a year. Last year I managed to exercise for nearly 6 months and shed a lot of weight. it truly made me proud of my achievement but out of the blue i stopped and cant get back into it again. There are other things that i dive into then get bored easily. At the moment after work all i wana do is just stay home even if its a sunny day. Before i used to make myself go for short walks before kids came from school. Thank you for your comments.

Hi Feelingsolow, just wanted to let you know that I completely understand all the thoughts and feelings you are having. I have had depression since I was a teenager, and have been on and off ADs a lot in that time. I am now a single mum with a dd and it is tough going.

My dd is only 3.5 and I struggle. Getting out of bed is the hardest part of the day because I know that another day is starting which I dont feel like I have the strength to face.

Depression is a horrible illness, it seems to invade every part of your mind and body, leaving you just wanting to hibernate in your bed most days. I like you have isolated myself from friends too, partly because when I am at my worse I don't want to communicate with anyone, and what friend would stick around to be ignored?..

You have only recently suffered a miscarriage, and that in itself can make any person feel the way you feel now. You should go back to your gp and discuss how you are feeling. You may benefit from ADs at the mo, but they are not a magic wand in my experience, but they may help you to cope a bit better with your daily life. But see what your Dr says, but please be honest with dr about how you are feeling.

We all know that getting out and doing exercise has been shown to help with mild depression, but it is very easy to say, and very hard to do when you feel so down. I know that if I started walking on the beach again like I used to a few times a week that my mood would lift a bit...but actually doing it is impossible. You may as well be asking me to run a marathon.

You said in your op that you feel like a bad mum and a horrible person...well you are neither of these things. You have a horrible illness but that does not make you a horrible person. You have been through a terrible time recently, and you are in a marriage that you feel you are not getting support in. You also have a teenage DS with raging hormones who would probably argue with Mother Teresa at the moment because she got the wrong type of cereal. That's what teenagers do, I used to be one....the number of doors that I slammed at that age and disagreements I had with my DPs was huge!..

What I am trying to say is try not to allow your head to tell you that you are a horrible person or ungrateful...that is depression talking..not you.

I hope that on Monday you will be able to speak to gp about how you are feeling etc.

From what you say about what was going on last year, some things were good for you. Was the change the pregnancy/miscarriage? I've had a couple of those and the mere fact of being pregnant and then not being does huge things to your emotional and mental balance not to mention the grief and other emotions. After my first miscarriage I felt mentally knocked for 6 in a way I have never experienced in my whole life. I didn't even know what my emotions were or where they came from. Also, I felt physically exhausted for about 6 months that doctors could find no medical cause for but which was extreme for me as I am normally so active eg I've run marathons! I went to see a counsellor and that helped but it took a long time for me to feel like my normal self.

Try not to be too hard on yourself you are clearly coping with a lot.

It's great what you said about exercise - it always helps. Being active and outdoors puts the feeling good hormones into your brain. same with being immersed in something you enjoy/are interested - you're doing it for you, effectively nuturing yourself as well as occupying yourself and that can make you feel good.

I should also have said that my husband has bipolar although he has a strange illness profile in that the main thing he has had is 2 massive bouts of mania and relatively little and pretty manageable depression. We were able to get residential therapeutic treatment for him with masses of education about the condition. We learnt so much and in effect were given the tools for managing to live with the condition (eg fish oils, exercise, self analysis of mood, record keeping). NanaNina is so right when she talks about the tricks that depression plays on you or the depression talking, it alters the brain chemistry and the way you view things. We saw that big time when my husband was ill, his thinking was just so affected. Even now his view of what was going on when he was ill can be very different to everyone else's.

I hope that things get easier for you soon.