I had a friend who committed suicide some years ago. Unfortunately, at the time of her death, I was also suicdal and was ready to go. But because she died first, it made me realise that I couldn't cause that much pain to everyone, and had to keep going. It was impossible to keep going though, so I don't remember much of that time, I had a nervous breakdown.
I recovered, and started work and life started to feel better.
Last year, life became very hard for many reasons, so I decided to find a therapist. Over a year later, I have just started to talk about my friend, as I have never come to terms with her death.
But in my mind, I still think suicide is a viable option when times are very bad. I should surely be thinking that suicide is a bad option, and that she caused a lot of pain for a lot of people. But, I can't get past thinking that, I wish I had joined her, and that life is too hard.
Then I start wondering what I am here for anyway, apart from my children, what else?
I am not suicidal. I am not depressed. Just can't see what the point is. I am living for the children but not for me.
Does any of this make sense? How can I push away the idea that suicide is always an option if things get very bad?