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I can't get past this

6 replies

emilyishere · 26/03/2011 09:08

I had a friend who committed suicide some years ago. Unfortunately, at the time of her death, I was also suicdal and was ready to go. But because she died first, it made me realise that I couldn't cause that much pain to everyone, and had to keep going. It was impossible to keep going though, so I don't remember much of that time, I had a nervous breakdown.

I recovered, and started work and life started to feel better.

Last year, life became very hard for many reasons, so I decided to find a therapist. Over a year later, I have just started to talk about my friend, as I have never come to terms with her death.

But in my mind, I still think suicide is a viable option when times are very bad. I should surely be thinking that suicide is a bad option, and that she caused a lot of pain for a lot of people. But, I can't get past thinking that, I wish I had joined her, and that life is too hard.

Then I start wondering what I am here for anyway, apart from my children, what else?

I am not suicidal. I am not depressed. Just can't see what the point is. I am living for the children but not for me.

Does any of this make sense? How can I push away the idea that suicide is always an option if things get very bad?

OP posts:
essenceofSES · 26/03/2011 09:34

Hello emilyishere
I am by no means an expert in this area but didn't want your post to go unanswered.

First of all, I am sorry for the loss of your friend and all you have been through. It sounds like it is still pretty raw for you and this is understandable and do allow yourself to miss her and question what she did.
You also sound like you have an inner strength - something told you not to follow her actions and you stuck to that.

One of the main issues that comes across to me is your lack of value for yourself. Since I've has DS, I've really focussed on him and it almost seems selfish to do things for myself. I do think it is important though to ensure you do things to make you feel good as this helps with feelings if self worth and also I'm sure DC want their mummy to be happy and love herself for who she is, as they love you.
It could be meeting friends, going for a walk/run, indulging in a facial or manicure.
Do you have a DP/DH? If so, do you get time for just the two of you?

You know really that suicide is not the answer. It's great that you've started to see a therapist and I hope that helps, even if it is "just" a matter of talking things through.

ManicPanic · 26/03/2011 13:46

If you were living for you, what would that look like?
Do you find joy and happiness in life? (sounds like a weird question, can't phrase it any bettter than that!)
What do you do for fun?
What makes you smile?

It does sound like you might be depressed. Do you feel 'flat' or grey?

emilyishere · 26/03/2011 16:55

Thanks essenceofSES. You are right that I do have a lack of value for myself, this is something that the therapist and I have talked about before, because of childhood neglect/abuse issues. I just don't see my life as having importance. That's not the same thing as saying that my life is empty or I don't laugh or enjoy things, it is that my life coming to an end isn't something that scares me, it is something that I think should have happened a long time ago. So that, when I find life challenging, it doesn't seem a big deal to end it.

I need to find a way to think of my life as being useful, of having imortance. I am important to the children, and my dh too, but not for me.

Sorry if this doesn't make a lot of sense. It is hard to explain it.

OP posts:
emilyishere · 26/03/2011 17:04

Thanks also ManicPanic. Good questions actually. I do find joy and happiness, but really only when around the children. For myself, I have just started to think about doing nice things just for me. Three weeks ago I started to learn to play the piano (it has been sitting there for years). I do go for a coffee occasionally with a friend.

What do I do for fun? Erm. I can't think of anything....I do take life very seriously. That is something to think about.

What makes me smile? Daffodils, comedy programmes on the TV.

Yesterday I decided to look and truly appreciate everything around me, little things that I can easily overlook. And I told myself that my friend is missing all of these things. I am hoping that I can start to turn around my thinking so that my friend's method of leaving will not seem appealing, and that I can grieve for her properly.

OP posts:
essenceofSES · 26/03/2011 21:22

It's great that you find joy and happiness when around the children. I really believe that parenthood is a vocation and one of the reasons I want(ed) to have children is because of the legacy that I would hopefully leave through them.

ManicPanic · 27/03/2011 16:12

I have the same '???!!?' reaction to the fun question emilyishere

Have been trying to figure it out for months.

So far I have come up with 'well i like gardening' but that isn't quite in the woohoo what fun league. Confused

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