How to get help

[Mimiandbub79]

I've been feeling really bad for a long time now (dd is 18mo, I started feeling depressed while pg) and I'm fed up. Every day is the same, I feel panicky about going out because I could burst into tears at any moment, I can't sleep or even smile. My p left me so I'm on my own with dd all the time, toddler groups are really cliquey and it takes so much energy to even leave the house, more so when I know the other mums will blank me anyway. This is probably the lowest I have ever been. I even considered buying ads online (I know thats stupid so I wouldn't do it). I spoke to the hv 2 months ago after a long time of mentally preparing myself and she didn't get it at all. I'm scared to go to my gp but I don't know why. I don't want to feel like this anymore

Poor you. Make an appointment with your gp. They can help you. Don't feel alone.
Tell them honestly how you feel.

Mimi - so very sorry you are feeling so awful. I know just how depression feels - I had a severe episode last Easter and was in hospital for 3 months and am still struggling to recover, I go up and down and never know when the "downs" are coming or how long they will last - am in one atthe moment and it has taken me all day to feel vaguel human. Mine wasn't PND by the way.

There are so many young mums on here who will support you as they have had or are still in the midst of PND. Look out for Natsyloo as she has had PND and has written an article about it for her local paper and has started a group for PND sufferers.

You really really must go to see your GP and tell him/her how you are feeling. If you feel you can't say it all, just write it down in one liners as this is easier to read, like this:

Felt really sad and low mood for over 18months - began in pregnancy
Afraid to leave house.
Cry very easily
cannot sleep
have no interest in life, no motivation

and of course add all your symptoms

GPs also have a check list and they ask you things about how you are feeling. They will prescribe medication and so many young mothers say how much they have been helped and got back to being themselves and you can too. You won't be telling the GP anything they haven't heard dozens of times before anyway. Thing is ADs work differently for different people and so sometimes you may have to try a couple or so but usually the new AD drugs are very effective.

It is extra horrid for you as your P left you and you are alone. Do you have any RL family or friends who can support you?
Don't understand why the HV didn't help - they are usually very good at spotting PND.

Please make that GP appt asap and come back and tell us how you got on.

I know I need to see the gp but the thought terrifies me. I keep thinking I might burst into tears in there or he might be as dismissive as the hv. I wish I could just snap myself out of it

Look Mimi - there is no way you are just going to be able to "snap out" of this yourself and I hope nobody has told you to do that or "pull yourself together" because if so they just don't understand depression. If you had your leg broken, doyou think you could somehow mend the fracture yourself - of course not. Depression is a deceitful illness and it tells us that there should be something that we can do to make ourselves better. Later when the medication has kicked in and we are not "on the floor" so to speak, we can do things to make ourselves feel a bit better, but NOT before you have tried the ADs.

There really is no need to feel terrified of seeing the GP. It doesn't matter in the slightest if you burst into tears (this is exactly what I did when I saw my GP when my depression starting really building up about this time last year) - if anything it demonstrates that you really are depressed. That HV was dreadful to be dismissive of you and as I said before, that it unusual, but you just got one who should be in another job.

So please please don't be scared - remember this is one of the commonest things that patients go to their GP with...........you owe it to yourself and your little girl to get the help you need.

Will you ring for an appt tomorrow...................?!

Thanks NanaNina, your kind words mean so much and of course you are right. I know I need to call the doctor, just need a big kick up the arse to actually do it! X

Hi Mimi - Here is a cyber "kick up the arse" - only joking. You were up very late last night and I know you have trouble sleeping, (which is another symptom of depression) and they may be able to prescribe something with a sedative effect. How does your little girl sleep btw. I have a gr/dghtr the same age and she is driving her parents mad with her nocturnal activity in the small hours!

ADs aren't a magic bullet but they do lift your mood enough to enable you to take some more interest in your life again, and maybe start to get out and about sometimes. They do take 2 - 4 weeks to kick in though.

I so so know that thing you mentioned about "not being able to smile" and it was one of the things that upset me most - still can't on bad days. The I feel envious of people who are laughing and smiling and get sort of obsessed with how much people do smile and laugh and I never ever thought of this before I had depression.

SO what's the deal here Mimi - ringing for an appt on Monday? Yes?
Really hope you can - you do need some support - you have suffered alone long enough. SO please come back and let us know that you have made the appt.............first step towards getting your old self back. Love NN xx

I'm having second thoughts, managed to get out for a walk today and the fresh air and sunshine really helped. I'm wondering if I really need ads or just a bit more self - discipline about going out?!

Dd normally sleeps really well thankfully but every now and then (prob about once every 3 weeks) she will wake every hour screaming! Last night was a bad one for me, I just couldn't sleep but can't blame dd for it this time. Think I finally drifted off around 4. I have lots of nightmares about bad things happening to dd atm, thats a new thing and hopefully won't last long. I feel really tired today so hoping that means a good night's sleep.

Glad you felt better yesterday in the sunshine Mimi, trouble is we don't get much of it do we. Only you can decide in the end whether you want to take meds, but going to the GP doesn't mean that you have to accept meds. You could just go for advice, but whatever you decide, come back and tell us how you are. It may not be a matter of meds or self discipline, but both.

I am having bad day today - a lot of crying this morning and flat and empty but is lifting a bit now, though all the crying has given me a migraine so feel totally washed out. I feel so much for you young mothers as I am having trouble coping with myself when I'm like this, let alone young children.

Glad your dd sleeps well............have your tried Nitol for you sleep problems.

I'm sorry to hear that, I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Are your family and friends supportive? I think in some ways its easier for me because I have dd, staying in bed all day just isn't an option for me however much I want to! She helps to motivate me, I wouldn't do anything if it wasn't for her.

I'm still 50/50 on calling the doctor but I think deep down I know I'm not going to just "pull myself together".

I hadn't thought of nitol, I'm a bit restricted on what I can take because I'm still bf but I'll find out if its safe to take. Thanks so much for your concern and advice, I really hope tomorrow is a brighter day for both of us x

Hi Mimi, as NN says I am recovering from PND and totally understand how you feel.

All the symptoms you talk about are typical of PND - you've taken a really big step in identifying this. All I can say is going to the Dr isn't as hard as you think it will be. If you find it hard to articulate your thoughts print off this thread or write it down, that will overcome any sense of seld-consciousness.

Drs are used to seeing mums with PND and I cried all over mine - more than once! I saw a couple of doctors before I found one I was happy with who understood my situation.

You will get better - it may take time and it probably won't feel like it right now but things will change, I promise. I honestly thought my world had imploded and I'd never enjoy anything again but slowly the sunshine will return.

I feel so passionate about lack of support for vulnerable mums with PND(stats are more like 1 in 4 as opposed the the D of Health's reported 1 in 10) - ask around at your children's centre and see if there are any groups running. Finding people to talk to about your eperience will make you feel better - that's why coming on here is a good thing but it would be a positive thing to do in RL too.

Since setting up my group and being a lot more open about things (I appreciate not everyone wears their heart on their sleave however!) I've come to realise just how many mums battle with PND - you really are in good company.

So take a deep breath, call your GP and make an appt. Honestly, it will really help to talk it through and consider ways of tackling this and getting back on the road to recovery. You can do it :)

Thanks Natsyloo, I really appreciate you taking the time to talk to me. I have a few questions if you don't mind! Is there any chance the doctor won't believe me? Hes generally very good but I worry that he won't take me seriously as my hv didn't. Will he call ss about my dd? She is my number one priority and I would never hurt her but I can see how it would look to an outsider as I don't manage to get to as many groups with her as I'd like and I have no support at all (friends have all drifted away and family are useless - I see them maybe twice per year). I'm really frightened about the thought of ss coming round and judging me.

I don't always cry, sometimes I'm completely detached so I should be ok with telling the gp (unless its a crying every 2 minutes day) but I wonder if my not crying will make him not believe me? I feel a bit like a robot sometimes, no emotion at all!

My local children's centre do have a pnd support group but its by invitation by hv only. I would really like to go to that but just don't feel strong enough to approach the hv again. I need to get out and meet people, I'm so isolated but I can't face talking to people.

I totally agree with what you say about lack of support for mums, I was led to believe that hvs would make extra visits to a depressed mum but I wasn't offered anything. I wonder whether the support is only available for mums with babies under 1.

Sorry that was a lot of waffle, thank you for your support, there are such lovely people on mn and its so nice to feel that someone cares xx

Hi sweetie,

OK - firstly, your dr will believe you, as I said if it helps write down your symptoms and be as honest as you can be so they see how you really feel. GPs are used to PND and seeing patients presenting with these symptoms so it is a very real and genuine (and common) illness. The tricky thing is your own mind persuading you that you're maybe not really ill - again that is a common symptom of depression. If your GP isn't particularly helpful (my first wasn't) then insist you see someone else, or maybe take someone you trust along with you for support.

I'm shocked to hear your HV hasn't been supportive - that's dreadful. Unfortunately HVs are a bit of a lottery and it depends how much they actually understand PND. Ridiculous but true. I know a couple of people who have changed their HV as they've been unhappy with the support (or lack of). Again, it's something you could raise with your GP as that's just not acceptable.

It would be worth having a chat with your dr about the referral to the group as I think it sounds like a good thing to go along to. Explain that you would like to attend and the process for doing that. Alternatively, you could speak direct to the children's centre about it. I think it's appalling the way people like you and I are desperate for help and have to fight their cause even though they are clearly not well! We'll change the world, one step at a time.

In terms of ss - again, that's a common concern. I was convinced they would label me an 'unfit mum' but really all they want to do is make you well again. Unless there is evidence of neglect (and I can't be quoted on this bit) they will very much want your child to remain with its mummy. PND is ultra common and GPs will anticipate this question as it's one I've come across time and time again. On the contrary, you're a brilliant mum as you're actively seeking help and trying to do the very best for your baba - that's excellent.

If you would like to PM me any time please feel free - I'm determined we can all get the help we deserve for this horrible illness and enjoy being mums.

You've taken an incredibly important step and I'm thinking of you and wishing you well. Take care and good luck. Keep in touch xx

Ps in addition to taking ADs my dr was able to refer me for CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) which has been excellent and helps to retrain negative and unhelpful thinking patterns. It's something you might consider perhaps>

Mimi - I am now retired but I spent 30 years of my working life in social services, both as a social worker and team manager. I can absolutely assure you that social services will not ever be thinking of removing a child because you have PND. They are very very unlikely to be involved (they are incredibly overloaded with work) and will only be concerned about a child who is at risk of significant harm. If they were involved at all it would be to offer support but that again is most unlikely given their lack of resources.

I have been surprised at how many young mums with PND are afraid to go to the doctor because they are afraid soc servcs will remove their children. It's a pity that this is the view of so many people. Social services have a duty in law (Children Act 1989) to keep children and parents together wherever possible. Removal of children is always the very last resort and believe me there is no way that you come anywhere near the threshold for considering removing a child.

I am glad you have connected with natsyloo as she is as you can see very very knowledgeable and empathetic - because she has been through it herself and come out the other end and you will too.

How are you doing Mimi? Just wouldn't if you'd been able to sort a GP appointment? Hope you're ok. Keep in touch. x

obviously I meant wondered and not wouldn't -silly me :)

Thanks again both of you, you talk a lot of sense! I haven't made that appointment yet but I did tell my xp last night when he came to see dd (rather embarrassingly broke down in front of him ). Hes actually been lovely about it, he stayed and we talked for a while and he helped me with the housework as I haven't been bothered to do anything lately! He wants to call the hv but said he'll call tomorrow and make sure I'm still ok with him doing that. I feel so much better just to have someone on my side (in RL as well as on here).

Its strange, I had almost convinced myself that I was imagining things but I found the edinburgh scale online and scored quite high on that but I caught myself laughing at dd today so maybe its not that bad?! Surely someone should have given me that test at some point though?

I really do feel a lot better already so maybe I don't need to see the gp.

Thanks again for your concern, its so lovely that complete strangers on the internet can care so much about someone they've never met xx

Ps NanaNina I really hope your blip has passed now and you're feeling better, you seem like such a lovely person xx

Hi mimi, glad to hear you're feeling a bit more positive and you had a good chat with your xp. It really helps to keep talking from my experience.

It's lovely that you smiled at DD-these special moments can brighten a dull day.

Please don't take this the wrong way but the very nature of PND is to feel up and down so it still might be a good thing to see your GP, especially if you find your mood dipping. I've found I can feel really rational and buoyant then the following day can be low and back in the fog.

Obviously it's your call-just want to look out for you. Keep posting xx

Still nothing from the HV, xp phoned last Friday and they said she would call back, if I felt stronger I'd complain! I wanted to try to do it without ads but I can't cope like this anymore so will be calling the doctor in the morning

Hi mimi,

I know i'm coming in a bit late on this but I hope you're feeling ok (stupid thing to say I know but i mean as ok as you can be!) :o It's a real shame about your hv, I'm lucky with mine, she's fairly supportive and knowledgeable about mental health issues. I had bouts of PND after both of my children were born but have suffered with depression and stuff for years. I have a social worker who literally just works with me as support, there's no concern for the children and I sincerelydoubt there would be in your case either. My hv offered to get us a social worker just for support and i'm glad I accepted, she does a wonderful job :)

Don't worry about taking ads either, I take them (some are ok with breastfeeding) and they've helped so much just with making me feel a little better day to day. they're not a magic cure but can be helpful in allowing you to feel a little more stable and not so low day to day.
Hope you're ok, try ringing your hv and/or gp in the morning

xBluex

Hi Mimi,

Really sorry to hear your HV is so rubbish - I understand what you mean about needing energy to complain. I would maybe just book an appointment with your GP anyway - the more you take control the better you'll feel.

I just want to reassure you you're not alone.The way you're feeling is pretty much textbook PND and it can be treated. It's scary, confusing and exhausting (I know from experience) but there are many many other mums who feel this way - you're brave and strong for recognising this.

Be kind to yourself, get get the support you need and focus on taking baby steps in the right direction.

You can PM any time - always happy to talk.

BIg hugs xxx