Bottling...

[CinnamonPretzel]

I've spent the last two years going through the process of getting a child diagnosed with Spec Needs, while having a family argument plus almost having my marriage fail.
I've spent so long bottling everything up with no one close enough that I can trust to let it all out.
I've lost the ability to cry freely and keep my smile going pretending everything is okay.
My head and body are aching and I desperately need to explode; but keep cramming more and more in.
What to do?

I have a DS with SN cinnamon, he is 18 now and on the autistic spectrum and i remember only too well the stress it caused getting a diagnosis, all the waiting and uncertainty and like yourself i had no where to turn as it felt like i was batteling my family as well, my marriage collapsed under the strain.
Do you claim DLA for your child and carers allowance for yourself ? as that will give you more access to help available, the carers centre and a few carers sites offer support, also have you got a SW ( from the disability department ) as they can access help for you as well by doing an assessment of your needs.
Carers of SN children are prone to anxiety and depression ( and im not surprised with all the stress we have to go through ) i am on ADs and they have really helped me cope so do go along to your GP ( not nessesarily for ADs but the GP will know the right action to take ) as your own health is very imporatant.
Also have you tried the SN childrens section on MN, there are a lot of very helpfull and freindly ladies on there who might have some advice for you.

Also id like to say that you can unburden yourself on this thread, you are anonymous and no one will judge you, it is sometimes better to tell strangers, especially ones who are going or who have gone through the same things themselves.

Thats the problem. I don't think I can talk to people like support helpers, etc. because I think (although I know in my heart for the majority, that isn't the case) they are judging me or making comments behind me, that I'm talking too much. For example - not about my feelings but when discussing statementing with our local charity group, someone else came out, asked me a question similar to what I was discussing (how something went) and then apologised for interupting our discussion and winked at the person I was talking to as they walked off. That just makes me paranoid.
Yet, to unburden on a forum would mean for me to divulge all the stuff I NEED to get out, but feel people who might know me, will be on here (although, very unlikely) and I have sooooo much that within one message I'd be identified!
I'm lucky in the fact that I still have my husband (although there was a V rocky stage partly not due to dx but other factors) and we are close enough, but that isn't the same as a really close friend who you trust with your heart that you can off load too. :(

CP - have you posted ion the SN board? I am going thru the ASD diagnosis and its so bloody hard and lonely and stressful and heartbreaking. I have posted only a couple of things (fear of being recognised) but the response has been v helpful.

You can name change Cinnamon if you think anyone will know who you are but there are so many people in the same situation that people wont know its you.
im not good at telling people how i feel, in fact the only person i have told face to face the full extent to is my GP because i knew i needed help and im glad i did because he has helped me to get better, i must admit though, the first GP i saw was a right bitch and it put me off but i found a good GP who has really helped and even lent me relaxation and hypnosis cds,
I have had dealings with so many unqualified and sometimes down right clueless stupid so called proffesionals that i could write a book on the subject, thats why you must get well so that you can deal with these incompitent idiots, its come to the point now that i just tell them straight if i dont agree with them and am willing to argue about it which usually results in them backing down.
i used to get really paranoid when i was out with DS and thought that every one was talking about me and judging me but i realise now that its not the case and even if it were then its their problem and not mine, if your instinct is that you are doing right by your child then stick by it because you will be right because you know them best.
When you feel like you are feeling now you think that you can never get back to the way you were and taking the first step is hard but its worth it in the long run, seeing your GP is the first step, he/she might prescribe ADs or suggest counselling or any other options available.

Okay, I'll give it a whirl - what forum room is the best do you think to start in?

I find carers uk index very good, there are also a lot of anxiety and depression forums, if you google it you might find one to suit you but i think mumsnet is probably the best place to get advice, whether it be in this section or SN as some of the other forums are very slow moving.

:)
Thank you

I feel like finding a big heavy punch bag and going 10 rounds. I'm trying to remain smiley but one little thing sets me off.

My body feels like it's made of knots and I appear to have squeezed as much historical emotional pain into me ready for a full explosion.

Little bits keeps spilling over the edge. It's almost like flood barriers that are starting to crack. I keep getting headaches...

Do I need a counsellor?

DH and I saw an emotions counsellor following our DSs Dx, but I kept my usual 'I'm okay' frame and didn't feel comfortable going off on a tangent about anything.

I just want to curl up somewhere away from everything and cry really hard, proper chest wrenching, throat aching, eye stinging crying.

But

A. I don't get time alone long enough,
B. I can't decide at what in my life I want to cry about - DS, life or lack off, DH, DD (they all have stories in themselves)
C. It just won't bl**dy happen!!!