I feel like I am falling off the edge and don't know what to do

[ivereallydoneitthistime]

It's all gone so wrong. We moved house six months ago to try to create a better life for us. More balance, me working less, a better school for DS etc etc. The downside was DH needs to work elsewhere mon to friday but we saw it as a small sacrifice to get a nicer life long term.

The move caused alsorts of issues, I no longer speak to my Mum as she was furious as we are further away. (this was actually the final straw in a long vile awful history of vileness). We are far away from friends and I don't yet know anyone here to properly talk to them. DH isn't here and I can't talk to him anyway about just how bad I am feeling. However understanding he is he can't quite help.

The biggest issue is that I am bi-polar and not on meds. I should be but to be honest don't want to as I have a weight problem that I am trying and failing to control and the moment I go back on them I will get big again. I can't go back on them I am scared of them,

I am not under the mental health team here yet, I am too scared to go and see them. My new GP summoned me in for a 'chat' and nearly freaked out when she realised I am on my own during the week with DS. Her reaction tells me I can't go near anyone like her, I am scared of what they will do.

The moment I tell anyone like that I feel like the whole pack of cards is going to come tumbling down. I am self employed and if I have to stop work we are screwed.

I feel awful, I am being awful to everyone and I want to cut myself but I haven't because I know that is stupid. I feel like we have made such a massive mistake but I don't know what else we could have done. I was so unhappy before we moved but am still unhappy now.

Today I heard from a friend who we recently went on holiday with whom (and the other family) there was a falling out on said holiday. I feel like I am taking the brunt of what went wrong, we are far away now and they have been talking between themselves.

I don't deserve to be here. I wouldn't be here but I don't have that right to do that to my child. I really don't know what to do any more.

I think you know that you do need to get help. youvare not alone many people who havent had the problems you have feel alone and sad when they move. the cards wont fall down when you ask for help they will only get stronger and bigger. please get the help.

Sweetheart you need to get help urgently, I think you know that. Can you ring the out of hours gp and get them to make an urgent referral to the Cmht crisis team? Do you have their number to ring yourself? All they will want to do is help.

I can't ring them, I am scared they will come and get me and then iit really will go really wrong

what are you scared of? really? you sound so scared but need to know that you do need to make the call. phone the samaritans now instead they will listen and be able to help.

Yes, Samaritans are good if you can't face up to the Cmht just yet 08457 90 90 90.

Seriously though, the Cmht only want to help. I think you know that really. Xxx

Oh Ivnever - you sound so scared. You must be on meds for bi-polar. Your mental health is so much more important than your weight. Did the GP that you saw not ask you about meds for your mental health problems. Why do you think that someone will "come and get you" if you contact the CMH crisis team. Theywon't "get you" they will help and offer whatever support that is necessary. You must be on meds - really you must. Are you able to talk to your DH in the evenings. Is your child very youn - if so could you try a mother and toddlers group.

You most certainly do deserve to be here. It's the illness that is telling you that. I understand as I have suffered from severe episodes of depression and am still trying to recover from last episode last Easter. At my worst I say a simiar thing to you "It would be better if I wasn't here" but when I am feeling better , I know it is the depression talking.

Please get the help that you know you need. Does your H know how bad you are feeling or are you trying to keep it from him too. This is not the way to go, because you need meds and help from a CPN or member of the crisis team.

Wanted to reply the other day, but was unable to post due to techno problem. I am bi-polar, but on Epilim, which does not affect my weight, so would try and get your meds sorted asap. This was better for me than lithium. Sounds like you would benefit from seeing your doctor, or the CPN as has been suggested. Hope you are ok. Please come and tell us how you are.