I have 3 beautiful boys under 5, I work 4 short-ish days (31hrs, work won?t have be back any less) so I can pick up ds1 from school every day, dh does drop off so the little 2 get a shorter day at nursery, its an onsite nursery with ofsted outstanding, the boys are happy there, we don't have money worries, I don't have to work, dh could support us - yes we'd do less but if it was the right decision for the family we could do it, my job is frustrating but I'm making real positive steps to change my role so I'm in control, I like being able to make a financial contribution to the family, working is important to me
I do too much voluntary wise and am cutting it back - I have one more role to resign from but I need to make sure I've left the committee in good shape. I run regularly.
dh is fantastic and I get plenty of 'me' time and family time
but... it still feels rubbish - I can't work out what it is, I don't feel like I have any direction, I'm fearful about the boys growing up, I want to freeze time and not have to get out of bed and spend all day playing in our pjs, ds1 has had difficult settling in at school, school want him labelled and that?s been hard, I?ve been questioning our parenting although deep down I know that?s not the problem, he has had grommets recently and I?m sure its helped no end, and in all this he is learning loads and really enjoys school, I worry too much about what people think about me, I have suffered on and off with depression and I came off last set of AD?s at Christmas, dh and I are talking about another baby but I don?t know from one day to the next if that?s the right thing for all of us, my sil is pregnant with her 3rd and it?s a boy after 2 girls, I?m jealous, I always wanted boys and girls ? I can?t work out how to resolve this, I will never have a girl I should put that to bed but working in a all male industry and then having an all male household I feel on the edge of everything and not sure how I fit in
I don?t know what I?m ?asking? but I have to put it down and invite comment as when I try and think about it all and rationalise it I get panicky and feel sick ? and also very guilty as I have nothing to complain about, I could do what ever I wanted, I have all the support in the world but it all feels pointless, I?m not living the life I want to, I want to enjoy want I have but I don?t