Having a crap time

[Karia]

I started a new part time job a month ago after being unemployed for about a month. It started off OK, it's retail/health. I had 3 days experience with a colleague (who I job share with) before I was expected to open, run and close the shop on my own. And of those 3 days I was hardly with my colleague, I was sorting things out in the back room. I was also given extra duties to carry out on top of my retail role which my colleague doesn't do. So I'm trying to do two jobs at once and making a mess of both of them because I don't have the time. If I'm working and I'm off the next day, my boss will ask me what I'm doing the next day along the lines of can you come in to work. Again my colleague doesn't get asked this. I'm also expected to cover for other stores, again only me.

Because I can't do my job properly as I have far too much to do, my colleague is getting annoyed at me and leaving snippy notes, and my boss is getting annoyed with me too. It makes me feel so anxious and upset, I come home and all I do when I'm not at work is worry about what I've not done at work and what I'm going to get told off for on my return. I get blamed for things that are outside of my control as well. It upsets me a lot that they are taking the piss out of me. I can't do it any more, I have no contract so I'm going to call my boss tomorrow evening and tell him that I'm sorry but I won't be back. I'm terrified to do it though.

The problem is though, I'm so co-dependent and I have things really twisted in my head. I feel absolutely shit for working there but I feel just as bad for not working there and wanting to quit. I feel like a quitter and all the old feelings came back, like I'm just a waste of space, a loser, I'll never amount to anything, I'm a joke etc. My DP has been really amazing and told me that my happiness is far more important than this shitty job. It's bringing up a lot of my negative feelings about myself and I don't want this to turn in to a full blown depressive episode. I don't know how to cope with these feelings that I'll never be good enough and that I'm scum, and a waste of oxygen. I almost feel like I'm sub-human, does that make sense? I have had counselling but they won't go away.

Even after typing this out and reading it back I know I'm not being unreasonable for wanting to quit, but I still feel awful and really upset. I don't really know what I'm posting for, just.. I don't know. I don't want to feel like this any more.

It sounds a really unhappy situation for you, I'm not surprised you want to leave.

Would it be worthwhile, so that you can say you tried every avenue, to arrange a meeting with your boss to ask them to clarify your role as it is not as you were lead to believe at the start? If you don't like the answers then leave with your head held high.

I have no contract, and our job roles are basically do what you are told. I forgot to mention we're also pretty much not allowed to have lunch breaks. We're allowed to physically eat our lunch but literally that's it. If my boss thought I'd had an actual lunch break he would go mad.

I just hate the way I'm feeling, inadequate, no good. I can't sleep and to be honest I feel like I just want to get dressed and go for a long walk, away from all of this. I'm always going to feel like a useless person and a failure, I'm tired of feeling like it. :(

Sounds very exploitative .

It also sounds as though your DP is being very supportive.

I wouldn't want to stay in a damaging situation with no solution in sight, so I think I would be planning to leave too.

Good luck with your decision.

Thanks piprabbit, you've made me feel a lot better with your last post :). I should be glad to be getting out of this and not feeling like it's my fault. Had a terrible week and it's all getting to me.

i would resign and if you're not depending on them for a reference, insist on an exit interview so you can feedback all these problems. i think communicating the issues to them in a professional manner would be very good for your confidence.

and yeah, it's not your fault that the job is shit luv.

If you do leave, do it with your head held high.
You decision does not imply that you are 'useless' or quitting or failing in any way, it shows that your employers can't organise a piss up in a brewery their staff and are best left to get on with it on their own.

I'm definitely not depending on them for a reference. I do need to be brave and tell my boss in a professional way though without getting upset, if I manage to do it I will be proud of myself! So glad I have the support of my DP too.

It sounds really stupid but thanks for confirming it's a shit job. I knew it was but I doubt myself so much and think it's my fault and I'm just crap.

i think it would make you feel less of a walkover... you could hand in your resignation and suggest times for an exit interview, letting them know you have some feedback you want to communicate about the role.