Hi
I've posted here before and received lots of good advice. I wondered if anyone could give me any advice/experience about what I should do next. I have PND diagnosed in January after I finally went to the GP but if i'm honest I've been struggling since my DS was 2 months old (hes 10 months now.) My issues stem from his birth (a medically advised ELCS) that I now regret hugely and from my deep anger at the way I made the decision (didn't question the doctors enough.) My guilt and self hatred has become all consuming and taken over everything else, I am constantly anxious and frightened. I don't trust myself to make any decisions anymore. These feeling now seem to have brought back other experiences in my life and caused me to question everything about myself.
I started CBT 3 weeks ago and I have found it very very hard. The issues brought up have been devastating to me. I was very low before but I have seriously considered suicide several times since starting the sessions. On Friday of last week I had my first appointment at my local hospital with the maternal mental health team. I think subconsiously I had placed a lot of expectation on that appointment - they are the experts, they will be able to suggest a treatment to help me. However they said to continue with the CBT, it is normal to feel worse for a while, they will see me in 2 months. I was devastated after that appointment, I saw no hope of ever being happy again, I felt that no one had understood how bad I was feeling and how scared I am of what I might do, I felt they didn't believe me. I fell apart - drove around after the appointment crying so much that I could hardly see where I was going - I know I was not safe to be driving and my son was in the car with me. I am only now just starting to remember where I went - I really couldn't remember before.
I phoned my GP today (my GP is very supportive) and asked for advice. My CBT appointment was booked for today and I was scared to go as I was afraid of what I would do I if I came out feeling worse. If I didn't go I knew I would be loosing the only help on offer. She was very kind, I am seeing her on Friday and she is going to speak to the doctor I saw on Friday for a recommendation of what medication might be best for me. She also advised me to go to CBT but she spoke to the therapist first to make him aware of the situation. The session today was much better - he explained the process of CBT so I at least understand the aim of the session. He did more assessment and I do feel that he understands my situation a little better and that he understands the degree of despair and panic I'm feeling.
My question (sorry for the very long preamble) I what should I do now. Both the GP and therapist have asked me what I would like to happen next - I don't know. I don't feel i know what is best for me anymore. I know the GP is going to find out what medication is recommended should I want it but I'm really not sure. I'm breastfeeding and that is very important to me - I feel I failed him by not giving birth to him properly and the feeding him myself is the one thing I have got right. Even if the drug was proven to be safe in breastfeeding I would know that some of the drug was getting into my milk and I would feel guilty. I worry that the guilt and the problems that would cause would undermine the benefits of the meds. But I know I need some help now and I wonder if medication might be the best thing for me in the long run.
They have also asked about whether I want them to involve the mental health crisis team. The impression I get is that neither the GP or therapist think this is necessary yet. As I understand it this team doesn't provided treatment as such, but they contact you daily to check in and provided help as required. Part of me is scared to ask for this level of help - scared of what it would mean in the longer term, however I am also scared of what I might do when I hit rock bottom. At those times I am not really able to ask for help, it is only on slightly better days that I am able to take positive steps. I am wondering if the reassurance of knowing that someone will contact me every day might reduce some of the fear and anxiety I have that I might hurt myself. I love my family very much, I don't want to hurt them and I don't want to leave them. But I'm scared that one day soon I will feel so bad that I will forget that and I will do something stupid.
Sorry this is so long. Well done if you made it this far! Any advice gratefully received.