I have trichotillomania (compulsive hair pulling). However unlike a lot of trich sufferers I don?t pull my head hair at all, instead I pull out my eyelashes. I?ve done it for 19 years ? I desperately want to stop and want to stop before it gets to 20 years. I?ve had therapy before (for about 2 years) which was online therapy via this site. They were lovely and it helped a bit at the time but I never quite cracked it and stopped altogether. The longest I?ve gone without pulling at all in the last 19 years is just under two months. Even now I sometimes go for days or even a week or two without pulling and my lashes start to grow back but I always spoil it all by pulling again. At the moment I have quite a few gaps in my lashes and can?t seem to keep my hands away from my eyes, even though I know that it will lead to that horrible feeling of shame, guilt, embarrassment and desperation. I?m pulling as I type and know I will feel like shit in the morning. I just don?t know what to do next, or where to turn. My worst nightmare is a situation where I?d be without my make-up that I use to disguise it, so for instance I dread ever having to go into hospital or having to get up and go out for an emergency in the night (eg if DCs were ill) as people would see the gaps. I feel so self conscious and desperate. It sounds stupid but it?s like I?m trapped in a prison and I just want to be free.
I?ve thought about going to my GP but I?m scared about what they will say, as they may not have even heard of it, or may think I?m just a freak. I don?t want them to just pump me full of drugs. I?m also scared about what they may put on my notes. I?m bringing my DCs up on my own and don?t want to have anything that may affect them on my medical records. I?m being treated for another long term physical (not MH related) illness, so the thought of all this on my notes makes me nervous, as though I?ll be one of those patients with hundreds of ailments.
In the past I?ve been diagnosed with stress/anxiety/mild depression, so it could be linked, but that was pretty recent so obviously wasn?t linked to the initial start of the trich. I wasn?t offered medication or therapy for the S/A/MD as the doc said it was mild, and just to come back if it got worse but thankfully it improved. It comes and goes though.
Not one person knows about this. Some may have noticed and wondered what the problem was, but nothing's even been said to me. I?m really scared that friends, family and colleagues will find out, or I?ll have to tell them for some reason, as I don?t want anyone to know. I just feel so ashamed. Some conditions are more ?acceptable?, or understandable than others and this one is not, so I feel I?ll be severely judged if people know I?ve got this. I?ll be the laughing stock of the family for one. It?s one of those conditions someone would read about and go ?Why would anyone do that? They must be a freak!?. I know they would think that because that?s what I think about myself.
Is there anyone else on mn that has this? If so, have you had treatment for it? What should I do? I?m not sure where to turn next.