Controlling Anger

[clarkykitten]

Hi,

I'm not really sure how to describe what I need, but I guess I am looking for some tips on how to control and stop anger from taking over? For years and years, I have always had a temper. Not in public - I'm not one of those people who can create a scene as such - but at home.

I think it is partly hormone related. I've just started my first period since DD was born 10 months ago and I could tell it was on the way because a few days ago I just felt so narky, everything was pissing me off and I was completely snappy and horrible to DH and DS, who is 3.

I can't stop myself from shouting sometimes and I can tell it is affecting DS when DH and I shout, or I spend all day shouting at him :( He was telling me the other day how he prefers to spend the day at his Granddad's rather than here and, even though I know that can be normal I can't help thinking it is probably because I am so horrible and short tempered with him on occasion,. I need to constantly remind myself he's just three, but a red mist will descend and I've flown off the handle. Luckily, it is mainly verbally. I always said that I never want to use physical punishment with my kids, but I am ashamed to say that I have pulled him a little too harshly (for example if he is messing about when getting dressed) and the other day I gave his bum a little smack when he pushed the door into DD, hurting her.

His behaviour is really awful at the moment and I am sure it is because he is so unhappy with the way I am.

I have tried the 'counting to ten' thing, but the anger just comes on so quickly.

Has anyone ever used any supplements to help? I think I heard B6 is good? Or even some kind of counselling? I just don't know where to go with this but it is affecting my relationship with DH and I don't want my children to only remember me being horrible, shouty and rough with them :(

Not sure if I can help, but I have just started seeing a counsellor because I also feel like this a lot of the time.
The thing that has stuck with me is that she described anger as a secondary emotion - ie you are angry as a result of an underlying other emotion.
After talking, I found I tend to get angry when I feel hurt, unsafe or insecure or don't feel respected or listened to.
Another thing she said is that it is OK to feel angry, it is how you deal with it that matters. So now I start to feel angry, I say to myself that I am feeling angry,that is OK, take a deep breath, turn away and go and do something else. I realise this is hard when getting children ready, and does not come easily to me yet.
I have also started to try to feel that people aren't doing things on purpose to wind me up, and say that to myself.
Not sure if any of that helps you.

Thanks Boredatwork, that does help. How did you get to see a counsellor - did you go through your GP?

I felt constantly angry or at least irritable from the time we started trying for dc2 until I had counselling five months after he was born. My gp was brilliant, I went to her saying I wasn't sure if I had Pnd and she said that after the questionnaire she thought I wasn't depressed but had lots of issues to unpick. I didn't specifically address anger with the counsellor, but my feelings of inadequacy as a mother, worries about my unusual childhood giving me no background to refer back to, all sorts of things. She used cbt techniques to address this. Gradually, my ranty, ragey outbursts became fewer and fewer and, although I am occasionally unpredictably angry, I go through weeks, possibly months without one. The other things I have done is to spot triggers like hunger and tiredness, untidiness is another and try to address those. I feel calm in situations that I would def have list it in before. Oh, and I say out loud that I'm feeling cross if I am. Dd knows, generally that she needs to leave me alone fir two mins or let me eat. You shouldn't put up with this, it's not your fault and things can get better. Being angry caused a cycle of pretty destructive guilt in became it was horrible.

I've become snappy and short tempered ever since having DS2 (3 years ago) - I had PND which I think is when it started. DS1 is the one I usually snap at because he is so stubborn and very difficult. I have to consciously work at taking deep breaths when I would raise my voice or get upset about things. Bizarrely, the thing which has helped the most recently was having a break from the kids (first time in 5 years!). I went to stay at my mums for 3 nights, didn't have to do anything child related, just focused on myself, having some respite etc and since I returned 2 weeks ago I've been much calmer and my have only raised my voice a couple of times (and not actually got wound up by DS1's behaviour). I tend to forget DSs are 5 and 3 and have unrealistic expectations of them in terms of their behaviour. When I remind myself that they're only young and try to work out why they have acted in a certain way rather than letting it annoy me, I am able to stay calmer.

Thank you so much for your replies. I think it has really helped me writing it all down. I have certainly been a bit calmer since I first posted. Littlebylittle, thanks for mentioning about triggers, untidiness is certainly one of mine too and I think I need to have a word with DH, who is naturally an untidy person, not helped by the fact that there are 4 of us in a 2 bed house. I'm also going to have my first weekend away by myself in a few weeks - going away for a friend's hen do. Hopefully that will give me the break I need to break the cycle of feeling like everything is getting on top of me and I'm going to snap. Its great to hear that people have had good results from going to the GP - I will certainly look into it if my 'self help' techniques fall flat.

Thanks again.