dh & history of depression/thrown in my face

[aokay]

Hi
I hate my DH as feel he has trampled all over my love and respect for him by calling me MAD whenever we have a bad row, or I behave in a way he dislikes - I am not allowed to show or express any anger or he calls me mad. I had a bad breakdown 17 years ago - ruined a previous marriage but have been off meds for 15 years and feel as 'normal' as it gets. Husband says 'mad' people should be put down for their own good - burden on state etc - lovely. I am also disabled and becomingly increasing so - husband dislikes disabled people and thinks too expensive to keep . Yes if I'd known all this I would never have married him but bit late now. Self esteem is going south and I don't love him anymore - we have young children who I would be unable to care for without help so I cannot leave him - have to stay with him or will lose my kids - feeling really horrible as have no choices. How am I supposed to live with a man who I feel despises me?

you can't......you just can't. he sounds vile. he'll chip away at you and destroy you. and pass on his vile way of thinking to the dc too!!

You just can't - for your own sake and for the sake of the children who will grow up thinking this kind of behaviour and these attitudes are ok. He sounds obnoxious.

thanks for reply - he's a very good father - involved with kids although I'm primary carer for them. When I'm behaving as he wants he's lovely - it's the way he flicks a switch to this cold unloving judgemental person I can't bear - is it abusive to continuously call me mad even when I've explained how loaded that word is, and how upset it makes me feel? Ironically he has his own mh issues - has days when cries for nothing etc - I think he has undiagnosed depression or some sort of mood disorder but he would never go to GP. I think because of my disability (I have severe arthritis) he would find it easy to get custody and I just cannot face the thought of living without my kids.

'he's a good father'

er,no,he isn't!! a father,a GOOD father,should teach his kids tolerence,compassion etc etc.....

how old are the dc??

Apart from the arthritis we could be the same person! My dh has only just forgiven me for having depression. In December 2009 I shouted and cried. I went to bed in January last year and slept. I was put on anti-depressants straight away. I am much better now. I am about to start cognitive behaviour therapy for my worrying which affects the depression. He has told me he is afraid for me to do it because he is scared it will make me like before and he can't cope with it. He has blamed work and the children and me for his unhappiness, when really it's because he isn't getting his own way. I told him I expected more support and I was going to do it. I also get silent treatment for weeks or random explosions of temper at me and the children. I hope if you know it is not just you living with an adult child it will help. I also think he has undiagnosed mh issues but again he is in denial. Why wouldn't you get custody? I can't remember the lady's name but she was able to raise her son and she didn't have any arms and legs. She was on 'the child of our time.' Why shouldn't people with a disability raise children?! Don't listen to him!

Hi Spanky - sorry your dh is less than supportive - teh language is so loaded! - husband "forgiven" - you were ill - forgiven does'nt come into it! Glad you're having CT as have heard very good - its does'nt stir thngs up but helps coping mechanisms develop. Anyone who thinks a history of mh won't count against you in custody stakes is deluding themselves - I have received treatment - he never has - what would judge say? - who would help me with the physical things I can't manage? -(like bathing my youngest who is a toddler) - I have no family to help.

He is not a good father if he treats the mother of his children like this. Don't kid yourself that this is a reason to stay. You need to get out - this is abuse.

au pair or nanny a consideration??

in another life tiffany!

lol

some on here do/can have them! ok,so thats not going to happen

it feels like you're stuck,but there must be a solution. feel for you.

i'm lone parent with 5 dc and no local family,and thats hard enough without a disability,but i often wonder how we woul cope if anything happened with my health.

go on the disabled parents section - you could be entitled to ehlp from Ss to ehlp you wiht the DC.

you need to tell people (your GP, HV etc) about the way your H treats you - you can be supported to get away from him.

He is not a good father.....what is he teaching them?

Someone once told me that the best thing a father can do for his children is to love and respect their mother.

Thankyou for writing to me. It's nice to know there are people who understand out there. What about going to the citizens advice bureaux? If they don't know what you are entitled to they will know someone who does. I really hope things improve for you.

If you have a disability and have custody, would there not be support workers you could have access to? If that was the way you wanted to go.

thanks for all messages - have talked it over again and he's trying to stop. Can't divorce as children currently happy & think we could be ok with effort - am trying to get dh into counselling with me. Can't imagine being so vile if shoe on other foot but think it's a response to pressure - he;s ok up to a point and horrible beyond. Is now saying has been under pressure at work yadda yadda - envy anyone who has a real loving partner; anyone whose husband uses past/prsent illness against them is an *hole. Trust in the wine - agree with that sentiment!