They won't make me tell DH about this, will they?

[Isthreetoomany]

I have posted on another thread about my previous ED (over 10 years ago, though I was ill for around 10 years I am now recovered) as I have been very concerned about how I can ensure my young DDs do not end up with food issues. It is complicated as DH does not know about my illness, I am not yet sure that I can tell him, but we are starting to disagree over how to handle stressful mealtimes with the girls and I am worried DDs will be affected...

Anyway, I had been planning to go to my local sure start this morning to see if there is anyone there, perhaps a health visitor, that I could speak to confidentially about coming up with a strategy for mealtimes.

In the end I didn't go as I suddenly thought that if I spoke to someone confidentially could they make it very difficult for me not to tell DH? Might they do something like get the health visitor to drop in on me at home, unplanned? (i.e. when DH or my mum may be with me, my mum doesn't know about the illness either, or at least she chose to ignore the signs). Obviously DDs are not in any immediate danger, so will it be ok to talk honestly with a health visitor or would they try to intervene given that I would need to say to them that I am worried about the effect on DDs. I am myself recovered, so they couldn't take any steps that would mean DH would find out, right?

I think the real problem here is your continued desire to keep your ED a secret from your life partner (I have been following your other thread with interest, I have BED).

Speaking to someone in confidence means exactly that - as long as your child is not at risk (which she isn't) they cannot take it further. And if a HV drops in on you when it doesn't suit you don't let her in, say it's not convenient can you make an appointment.

Have you thought about contacting bEAT

Thanks for replying - I hope you are right.

I just don't want the decision to talk to DH taken out of my hands. Do health visitors drop in unexpectedly? No HV has ever dropped in on me before, but if DH was home at the time (he often works from home in week) I would find it very hard as he would obviously want to know who had come to the door.

I have contacted bEAT by email but tbh didn't find them that helpful - I got an email back saying congrats on my recovery and that it is great I am aware of the importance of sending the correct messages to DDs, and that I could look on their website for relevant books, but I couldn't see any specific books for recovered anorexic mums.

Personally I didn't find bEat helpful but thought maybe that's me.

My HV never has dropped in but they I haven't seen one for years as ds has so many other professionals involved in his care.

I would be wary of talking to the HV as they are very likely to lack the knowledge you need (not a slight on some of the lovely HV who post on MN by the way). The problem is not that you don't know how to help dd eat well, but that you and DH disagree. I think you are right by the way about the not clearing plate.

I was made to clear my plate as a child and it did harm. ds doesn't have to clear his plate but I offer no alternatives as I trust his body to eat if hungry enough (he is 3 and an easy eater so I guess I'm lucky there)

So this is down to a disagreement between you and dh that on the face of it doesnt have to have anything to do with anorexia. I think someone on MN recently quoted some research to say that toddlers left to decide what to eat and how much usually get it right.

The idea that this has nothing to do with anorexia is very appealing to me, as you say it would mean that I could just look up some of the studies/info on things like clearing/not clearing plates and then show DH something authoritative written by someone else.

However I am not sure that it is separate to my own past illness. Although I know plenty (too much?) about how/what DDs should be eating, I am still finding it difficult to send the right messages wrt food. For example, my 5 yr old is learning to write and copying words from anywhere and everywhere. The other day she copied 'low fat' off a yogurt pot and asked me what that means. I went completly blank as to how to respond . I have also been asked by the girls why they cannot have chocolate cake everyday, and again I don't have the confidence to say anything much in reply. One of the problems is that one of my ways of coping now is to avoid thinking about fat/calorie counting, but it works best if I completly avoid thinking about it, to the point where I do not even feel capable of talking about healthy eating to DDs.

I guess it is very possible a HV wouldn't have the specialist knowledge to make a discussion about this useful to me.

And it has also occurred to me that if I did speak to a HV, don't all the agencies share info? So it is presumably possible that the girls' GP would end up getting a note about it? Wouldn't want anything like that on their medical records.

It sounds like you need to have a little bit more confidence in your own ability to parent and deal with things as you are doing fab.

Anorexia is part of your history - just like being abused as a little girl is part of mine. It informs my behaviour towards my ds and also the daughters of close friends and that is ok. I'm protective and but I know that the way to keep ds safe is to help him look after himself, not to wrap him in cotton wool. And you are doing the same - you're aware of your own history and determined to help the dc look after themselves well.

I understand the temptation to see everything in light of calories, but you can't have chocolate every day because then you don't eat enough healthy things that help you grow and it is bad for your teeth.

Low fat is an emotive one I know - but you could simply say that you like this particular yogurt because of how it tasts but that some people chose to eat things with little fat in it to stop them getting too heavy.

Keep trying to take the emotion out of it - keep it general.

Thank you. You make it sound simple. I will try to come up with a mental list of responses based on sugar being bad for teeth/needing to eat a little bit of everything so they grow up with strong bodies. I reckon I have a couple of years before I have to deal with questions about calories, and though I will obviously find this the most tricky area, plenty of time to prepare!

I won't speak to DH or a HV - I will muddle through on my own for now and see where that gets me. Speaking to a HV is probably an unecessary risk atm, apart from me not wanting DH to know about my past I also do not want to risk speaking to a HV who doesn't have any experience of EDs as I could trigger my own illness again which is the last thing I need. I do want to tell DH at some point (last thing I want is for this to all come out when the girls are teenagers, if they developed an ED), but I need to be 100% sure I can do that in my own time/way. I guess ideally I would like to be able to be open with the girls about my ED when they are teenagers, as then hopefully they would feel able to speak to me if they did have a problem - but that is all for the future.

Thank you again. Good luck with your DS - you sound like you are doing a great job x

Isthreetoomany, although I have not had a major eating disorder, I dont' feel my relationship with food has ever been particularly easy and am very concerned not to pass that on to DD.

I think your mental list of responses is very good. I rely a lot on sugar being bad for teeth!

I am trying to say that we should eat mostly the things that help our bodies grow strong and fit, and concentrate on health issues rather than weight.

I think I would respond to questions about why people have 'low fat' foods by talking not about weight per se, but by saying that we all need to eat some fat to keep us healthy, but it is better for our hearts if we don't eat too much of it.

I am finding it very difficult tbh. Am pretty depressed at the moment, so I also find it hard to know whether I'm doing the right thing by them. Cooking is a real struggle, too.

Could you see yourself ever talking to your DH about your past?

ImNotThere, it's so tricky isn't it, but yes as you say it is the healthy side rather than the weight side we should be focusing on.

And thank you I shall add thinking about the heart to my mental list. It may seem a basic one but (although it is perhaps obvious and I did somewhere in the depths of my brain already know about fat being bad for hearts) I really struggle to conciously think about healthy eating and come up with these examples because it is has become so ingrained in me that the best way to keep myself healthy is to not think about it!

Cooking whilst depressed must be hard, maybe you could try getting the DC involved with that. My DDs love doing things like adding fresh pizza toppings to a frozen basic cheapo value pizza.

I would like to be able to talk to DH, and it probably sounds ridiculous to some people that I have not been open with him. We have a great relationship, but somehow that makes me feel worse that I haven't told him/more ashamed. Telling him would also involve educating him, which could be hard work. We have talked about EDs a few times when discussing the whole 'clear your plate' thing, and he clearly believes that ED are due to girls striving to be like glossy mag models. Personally my ED was 100% about controlling my life (shouldn't come as any surprise to anyone given my earlier concerns about a HV dropping in on me - ha ha). I never saw the link with the fashion industry myself(though I of course understand that this may not be the case for others, and I cannot know for sure what cultural impact the fashion industry had on me as a child). But if I told him, I would need to try to make him understand me - so there would be some tough explaining to do.

Maybe have a look on here for general ideas about discussing healthy eating as a family nhs change for life

I don't have any experience of ED,( but I am a picky eater and general control freak,) but IMHO it is great that you are aware that you want to give your DCs balanced sensible info about eating well.

With my DD (who would live on sandwiches and cake given a chance) I tend to just mention that we need a good mix of foods to be strong and healthy, and I actively avoid using foods as treats. I also discourage clearing the plate and encourage them to eat a variety of stuff which does include some veg/fruit but also occasional sweets and cakes etc.

Eg I don't make pudding dependent on eating the main course, because it is just food and not a treat, but I might only offer yogurts/fruit rather than ice cream if they have not eaten anything with any vitamins in!

The general consensus seems to be that the whole clean plate thing should not become a big deal. A while ago DH introduced 'clean plate prizes', usually a jelly sweet, my gut instinct was it was a silly idea. Now I am convinced my gut instinct was right.

Isthreetoomany, the pizza idea is a great one - thanks. Two birds one stone - do something with the girls and feed them too.

Yes, I can see how hard it must be for you to have to think about the issues around food. It sounds as if you are doing a great job though.

Obestity is such a news buzzword at the moment that it is really hard not to see food purely in terms of its effect on bodyweight.

I wonder whether you and your DH might find a book useful? It could take some of the pressure off you having to explain the complex issues. Someone close to me has body dismorphic disorder. Both her husband and I found it very useful to read books on the subject, which as well as taking us through the thought processes of BDD, gave us some extremely helpful tips on the dos and don'ts of how to respond to her. I did a search on Amazon to find a well-reviewed book, but support groups such as bEAT would probably have some suggestions too.