Where can I write it out.

[odoeoiosoa]

I want to get out what is in my head, I don't want to do it but I need to get it out for someone to see (I know that sounds strange). Where can i put it? I have written it out for myself but it doesn't work.

And what I write is horrid and I just want it out of my head because I don't want to do it.

I know this makes me a weirdy. I wish that my head didn't work like this.

I don't think mumsnet is the place but I don't know where to ask.

Some people use blogs for this

Put it in chat on here so it will be deleted after a while?

If you write it out here and ask people to help you rethink or reframe it, you might be able to change the way you feel about this issue. It might not weigh you down so heavily.

Its not an issue -it what I want to do to myself which I can't write here because its too vile. I thought about a blog but I usually don't have something in my head to write about.

I feel very sad that my self harm shit is so fucking horrid - I really really don't want to do it (and I won't!) just irritated its in my head. Gr.

Do you want to talk about it? If you post it online people will respond, and it might be difficult to avoid the responses. If you post it on MN, with a preface, you will probably get sympathetic and considered replies, not just unthinking outrage.

OTOH, if you want to express it but not do anything about what you have written, how about writing it out, putting it in an envelope, sealing the envelope, and then burning it in the garden? Then you could even dig the ashes into the ground.

I have written it out but it didn't do it. I don't know what I want do I?

I would love to tell someone irl but I can't - I think thats why i feel so stuck and then I feel horrid because what I have in my head is vile. I am vile.

I appreciate your replies, thank you.

Do you have support from your GP? A counsellor or therapist will not judge you.

What you have in your head may be vile and upsetting, but it does not make you vile.

I have been discharged from my therapist and I am fine generally, this is a blip I think. I think self harm is one of those things that you never properly get out of your head. In a weird way I find it comforting that I could do it if I wanted, I feel better knowing I won't and don't want to. But unfortunately whats in my head is distressing and I want it out of there. This is a reflection of the stage my self harm had got to when I did stop (three years ago now) and so I suppose if I do think of it will be about something similar which even at the time when I was into doing it was very distressing to myself. I suspect time is the key here.

Thank you for your thoughtful replies :)

Please forgive me odeo if I am wrong, but this thing in your head the thought of suicide. If it is I know exactly what you mean and it is a symptom of depression. I find it comforting in a way when I am at my lowest to know that I could stop the awfulness if I wanted to/had the courage to, but I also know that I would not do it.

There are 2 reasons I wouldn't do it:

1. I don't know a way of ensuring that you are out of it, rather than left with something awful in addition to depression

and (more importantly)

1. If I did, I would merely be passing on the pain that I am feeling to those who love me and could leave my grown up children, DP and dear friends with a lifetime of guilt and possible depression themselves, as depression is usually about loss of some kind.

Thoughts of suicide without intent are known as suicide ideation by the medics and is very common in depression.

I often write stuff in my journal about wanting to not be here (I don't exactly want to die) I just don't want to be here and suffer any more torment of this horrid illness, but it is the depression "talking" and I tell my DP and friends when I feel like this and say it would be better for them too if I wasn't here - they tell me that is NOT the case. They are not shocked but have the patience to remind me that once I am feeling better this thought will rapidly go away, and that is true.

I am struggling to recover from a severe episode of depression and have many fluctuations, days or sometimes weeks of good days - then the return of the bad days for anything up to 15 days or so. No triggers that I am aware of - they come out of the blue. They vary in intensity too. Sorry I am only telling you this to show I understand what depression feels like.

If I am on the wrong track - please forgive me.

Oh sorry odea - the first line of my post should read "is this thing in your head the thought of suicide" - missing out the "is" looks rather like I am telling you.........rather than asking, so sorry.

The Samaritans have an email service - would that be of any help do you think? I'll find a link for you.

www.samaritans.org/talk_to_someone/email.aspx

Here - it explains all how it works etc on that page. I know people here have used it before and found it really helpful. Please don't worry about what you have written, I am sure they have seen it all before, no matter how awful you think it is.

It is not suicide, its just about damage really. Which is silly because its damage I would never do - life is far far to good to punish myself like that.

The samaritans sounds like exactly what I need - to express something to someone who won't be upset or offended.

Thank you for your thoughtful replies, nice to not be thought of as a weirdo :)