Any advice for recovered anorexic?

[Isthreetoomany]

Not sure I am posting this in the right place...

I had an eating disorder from the age of 10 through to 20 years old. In the end I had CBT whilst I was at uni,and now consider myself recovered (though I do take certain precautions to avoid relapse, eg have no scales in the house, try not to over think what I am eating).

Fast forward a decade and I am married with 2 young daughters, and am worried about how I educate them about healthy eating without putting them at risk of an ED, as I do not trust myself to use the right language/think I may send the wrong messages about food...

DD1 seems to naturally love healthy foods which is great, but it is harder with DD2 as she is a real pudding lover, and I am not sure where to begin with talking to her about why she cannot live on puddings alone!

DH is unaware of my previous ED, and he strongly believes children should eat everything on their plate, but I am not sure this is the right approach...I think part of the problem is talking to the girls about healthy eating will refocus my own attention on food - which I try not to do.

I have tried googling but not found any info for recovered anorexic mothers. Any advice/links would be much appreciated.

I don't have any links or advice but agree with your gut reaction that the 'clearing plate' mantra is not a good one. Makes DC ignore their natural instincts - better to eat when hungry and stop eating when full. There was a child study which showed that when left to their own devices they tend to eat a balanced diet - not what we would neccessarily choose for them but nutritionally sound none the less.

BringOn - that study sounds interesting, I will try googling that. It is really hard discussing this with DH as he does really believe in the whole 'clearing plate' thing, and he believes that if a child knows they are expected to clear their plate they are less likely to be a fussy eater/have an eating disorder. This always causes problems with me, as (given my own past illness) I do not group fussy eating in with having an eating disorder...But obviously as he is not aware of my ED he is not aware he is upsetting me.

I have considered talking to DH about my previous illness, but am worried that if I talk to him about it I may relapse (I have not spoken to anyone about the ED for over 10 years, and the easiest thing for me is to just give the very minimum amount of thought to everything to do with food). Also if I tell DH, it will mean that I will not have any way of reverting to controlling my food intake as a means of coping - if I need to (atm it feels good to know that I do have the option of going back to severely restricting my food intake, if I were to go through a very stressful period)

I am really surprised that there is not more info available for mums who have had EDs, as I would imagine that there are plenty of others in a similar position to me.

I think you should reconsider talking to your DH. I cant imagine mine not knowing about my anorexia but he was there at the time so it was blatant. I dont mean to judge you at all, especially as I am still struggling with recovery myself, but I do think you are holding onto the possibility of returning to ED behaviours and I am not sure that's healthy. If that's the only thing stopping you from telling your DH about your history then I think you need to really need to think about it again. He wont understand otherwise.

FOr me, I try not to make food into a big thing. If the are being faddy or refusing then they get down. There is sometimes pudding sometimes not, we usually have fruit about so they an snack on that whenever they want (although i do prefer them to ask)

I am trying to teach them that it is better to have a little of everything rather than get stuck on 5 a day/low fat/healthy foods.

Well done on your recovery :)

Teacup - I think you are right that I am wanting to hold onto the possibility of returning to ED, but that is not the only thing stopping me from telling DH. TBH I am petrified that he would see me in a very different light if he knew (for example, would we ever be able to enjoy going out for a meal again, or would he always be thinking I must be uncomfortable?). I think I would feel like a fraud for not being honest with him in the first place (it may sound weird but atm I do not feel like a fraud as I can believe that, as I am recovered, he does not need to know about my history). I guess basically I am very ashamed that I had an ED, which I know is bad as people who have recovered should be more open about it. I am also currently a SAHM and it would feel like a massive failing as I think he would feel that he should be getting more involved with helping prepare the girls' meals/talk to them about food. ATM I mainly deal with all this (certainly all the cooking), and as far as he is concerned there are no issues and so he doesn't have to think about it.

But you are of course right that, atm, he just doesn't understand my concerns so we do not manage to have a decent conversation about how to deal with the girls if they do not want to eat everything/they only want a pudding... I am going round in circles!!

Could you perhaps talk to him about you past but emphasis that you now feel personally recovered but just concerned for your daughters. I can empathise with your fears of letting him in as in a way you are probably frightened of letting go of that last little bit of control you have over food. I know I am still the only person in our house to do food shopping and cooking (unless its my birthday etc) and to be honest the thought of DH taking that over makes me feel sick and giddy, but because he knows I still need to be on control there he is happy to let me as long as I am not fully embracing destructive ED behaviours. Maybe your DH could see it in the same light?

I know how you feel about being ashamed too, but we I think we both know we shouldn't. I am surprised there isn't more advice out there for how to deal with this as it must be so common. Its something I am concerned about for the future as we are ttc at the moment.

As a cautionary tale my SIL, who suffered with anorexia severely in her teens, was VERY laid back with her DC's eating habits to the point where one never eats veg, they often eat at different points of the day and they never have set meal times. Sadly the eldest just went through a period of anorexia herself(fortunately short lived). I say that not to freak you out but just to highlight that Eating Disorders can occur despite being relaxed around food, my personal opinion is that the food issue is a symptom rather than a cause of the illness.

wow...that was long! Sorry about that!

Teacup - I hope your niece manages to stay healthy.
Yes it does make sense to focus on my concern for DDs and the fact that it was in my past rather than link it in to who I am now (although I do now feel that I will probably always be in recovery rather than 'cured' but that is more than he needs to know). Thank you, this does help me to start to think about the words that I would use to speak to him about it, as up until now I have not been able to think about that/even known where to start. It really shouldn't feel like such a big secret - and we really shouldn't feel ashamed (keep telling myself that!).

Am also planning to contact my local Sure Start and see if I can perhaps speak to a health visitor there and get some support.