struggling to move on- depression back

[oldme]

I have left a thread in relationships about my current ordeal.
But due to it some bad thoughts are coming back in my head- I feel so worthless at the mo due to it sobbing uncontrolably about my ex. I can't see my future without him etc.
The depression must be having an effect on my child-
Have got back to thinking whether feeling like this/ living like this is all worth it- it does not seem to change. I can't seem to move on. Am organising my sons life without me in it etc, and at the moment it seems a really good idea, not for me but the people around me.
I know my problems arent a patch on others, but i can't give myself a boot up the arse i need, but when I think about this everything makes sense.
tried talking myself out of this, sorry if you think im stupid / selfish it's just how i feel- is there any way I can pull myself out of this

oldme - I found your post a little confusing. I assume you and your P or H have separated? How long ago was it and what was the cause of it. You are clearly bereaved and probably depressed too. Depression is almost always about loss and you have suffered a great loss as you cannot (at the moment) see a future without your ex. Many people think bereavement is just about death but it isn't is it, it's about any loss.

Wasn't sure what you meant by "organising your son'slife without you in it" and what "seems a good idea, not for you but the people around you" - are you talking about suicide? Sorry if you aren't but suicidal thoughts are very common in depression.

How old is your child and do you just have the one son.

Have you got any RL support - friends/family - do you work.

Please post again with a bit more detail if you can.

I think though that you are talking about symptoms of depression and should be making an appt with a sympathetic GP especially if (as I suspect) you are having suicidal thoughts, which mental health people will always take seriously.

If I have the wrong end of the stick I'mm sorry.

yes we have seperated it was in august last year, I had pnd and anxiety, it felt like the right thing to do at the time- I was not thinking straight.I think i done it becausei was angry with him for going away and not calling, i did want him to have fun but i did not want him to forget about us.He said he felt like staying there at one point.

Yes was thinking suicide thinking all night about it- had feelings like this a year ago as well, do feel the depression coming back.
I only have the one son who is 2

My family don't know the full extent, i dont want to tell them it will be to stressful as they have their own issues, the only one who really knows is my xp, my friends are supportive to me, but am getting to a stage where i am beginning to shut them off again.

I do think your right about the depression- sorry i was vague- my mind is a mess at the moment.

I know i should go and see the gp but although the one I see is supportive I am useless at taking meds, tried herbal and they just made me paranoid, doing cbt for my anxiety.

Hi oldme - what an awful time you've had with pnd and anxiety and then separating from your partner last August when your little boy was about 18 mths old.

I suffered a severe episode of depression last Easter and was in psych hosp for 3 months. I am still not recovered, as I have so many ups and downs, more ups than downs but when the downs come I feel suicidal too and in some ways it is almost a comfort because it gives me a feeling of being able to stop the suffering.

However a very wise friend told me that if you do go through with suicide, you just pass on your pain to people who care about you, andyour little boy...you cannot do this to him. You must remember that the thoughts of suicide is the depression "talking" - when I have good days i can't believe I was thinking that, but come the bad days I am thinking of it all over again.

You should see the supportive gp you mentioned oldme but what do you mean by "I am useless at taking meds" - you must take them and they are not a magic bullet but can help to lift your mood so that you are not "on the floor" and can help recovery.

Also I really think you should let your family know how you are feeling - they might have their own issues but they need to know. Also your friends are important (mine have been a life saver at times) and I know depression makes us feel we are not worthy of anyone caring about us, again that is the depressuion talking. I know how you feel oldme, I am having a bad day and have resisted the urge to phone 2 friends because I think they need a rest from me but i know if \i phoned they would come round or ask me round there
but because I am having a bad day I think they are fed up with me but I know deep down that that isn't true but when my depression gets really bad I do believe that they are fedup with me, but when I'm a bit better I know it's the depresssion talking.

Sorry I'm rambling a bit - whatI'm trying to say is don't shut your friends away - you need them more now than in any other timein your life, and one day you might be able to support them.

Is your ex in touch with you - does he take care of the little boy sometimes. Is he supportive to you in any way.

Whatever you MUST go the gp and take the meds that are prescribed,and tell her about your suicidal feelings. It's oneof the things on the list that they ask you about to confirm a diagnosis of depression. It's an absolute pig of an illness and I think all of us who are suffering are doing an amzing job just getting through every day. Take care Nxx

Thanks- Having a bad day today- xp has looked after the baby overnight. This morning I feel so upset, can't stop crying. Thinking that my child would be better off with just his dad- we would not be passing him back and forth all the time, there would be no issues,. His dad can meet some one new and they can be a happy stable family.something he won't have with me around. all i want is for my child to be happy

• told him this as well:(

Did not really know who else to speak to- he said that 'im the best thing in my son's life right now, and that i'm the reason he is the wonderful little boy that he is-he may get another father figure in his life but he will never get another mum'. he also said ' just terrified at the thought of you doing something stupid, you are thinking about yourself not what is best for our son or anyone else. I do understand how you feel but you have our son.'

If I am the best thing in his life surely would it not be better for him to be somewhere more stable, I think he is trying to talk me round- if i'm the best thing his life must be crap.
I don't see as well how my thoughts could be selfish, when all I feel it would do is give my son a better life and get me off my xp's back- I must be really doing his head in- sorry for rambling...

Old me - I think what your ex was saying is absolutely true and it sounds to me like he really meant it. I know you think you are no good for your son but it is this illnes depression making you think like that. When you are through this illness you won't feel like that.

You talk of your problems "not being a patch on others" and "not being able to give yourself a kick up the arse" ..........everyone's problems are different and it isn't a competition to see whose is the worse....and you can't give yourself a "kick up the arse" - the illness stops you doing that. Oldme you are depressed and you need help to get better.

You need to make an appt with your GP tomorrow and tell him/her how you are feeling. Make a list like this if it's easier than talking and it ensures you will give them the full picture:

-prolonged bouts of crying
-feel I am worthless
-feel my son would be better off with another mother

and add any other symptoms.

Your ex doesn't understand depression, an awful lot of people don't and he won't be able to understand why you feel you are not a good mother and are selfish because you aren't thinking of the child and as you say it is the opposite - you feel you are not good enough for your little boy and someone else would be better. This again is the depression "talking" - don't expect your ex to understand. If he did, he would have been encouraging you to see a GP months ago.

SO stop worrying about your ex and think about you - make that appt and come back and let us know when you have made it, please get some help because your depression is untreated at the moment and that means it will just get worse.