just need to get some things out,
have name changed because I feel i am on here moaning too much
I just feel that I want to vent some stuff, had negletful childhood, have a narcisistic mother and my father was violent,
I learned not to raise my head above the parapit I also learned that there was nothing I could do that would make me acceptable to my parents.
I even at times craved my dad to beat me the way he did my sister jsut so that it showed he noticed me.
we were sent away to school when we were each 7 and to some extend it was a good move but it just actually felt like further rejection.
since then I have just totally yearned for them to find me acceptable, I can't seem to get past being 7 years old and wanting my mummy to love me.
I was sexually abused in my first year at senior school and from that I have ptsd.
It is taking soo long to get anywhere with therapy I just don't have the ability to trust and part of my brain trusts my therapist to tell me the truth, but then she says kind things about me and it automatically makes me feel she is lying be cause I am not an acceptable human being.
I am finding things so much harder since I became a mother, I don't know how to be a mum, the only thing I feel like I am doing is trying really hard to be an anthea turner "perfect housewife" I am roleplaying being a mummy because I have no fucking idea what I should be doing. I know I don't want too repeat the mistakes Mum made and have had a suicide attempt 3 years ago because I realised we all turn into our mums and I don't want to do that to my children.
It is all such a pickle.
right got to go and do that mummy thing and make tea there is loads more rambling I want to get off my chest, will be back.