Baby stress, guilt and inadequacy - am I a bad Mum?

[TinyTims]

Hi,

I just wanted to see if anyone else feels the same as me:

I've always been a perfectionist and like to have everything planned and organised, which, with a 9 month old baby, doesn't always work. :)

I've been feeling so stressed and uptight recently and I keep taking it out on my baby by shouting when I get frustrated. It's only verbal but as soon as I shout, it makes me cry because I feel so bad about doing it.

I find that her cry seems to imediately make me feel tense and instantly makes me feel stressed and I don't know why. Some days I can cope with it and other days it makes me feel so mad. But I've been trying to not snap at her and instead keep bottling it in. But of course this makes me feel worse. I would never, ever hurt her, but I do sometimes shout at her and walk away (e.g. if she won't stop crying when trying to sleep in her cot).

Is it normal to feel angry at her? It's not even her - it's the situation.

I feel guilty too - I feel I'm not doing enough for her. I feel like I just need some time to myself and although I have family who can help out, I never take them up on their offer as I feel I shouldn't want to be apart from her. I feel so bad for wanting to get some space from her. It's a horrible feeling.

I did speak to a health visitor and she suggested the usual things - get out and join groups etc. But while I do get out and about and that's lovely, I don't feel I know people well enough to open up like this. So I thought I'd put some feelers out here for advice. The health visitor thinks I have a high emotional attachment to my baby, which I do.

It's so weird - I'll be going back to work in a few months and some days it makes me cry just to think about it and then other days I think, "argh! I need to get out of here!" And then I feel guilty for feeling like a bad Mum.

Why don't I appreciate her? I feel that if I think bad thoughts about wanting some space and time away from her, then something bad will happen to her. Like I'll be punished for thinking badly of her. So many people aren't as lucky as me, so why do I feel so unappreciative of her at times?

Basically - sorry for waffling on - does anyone else feel the same?

In summary, I feel bad about wanting time away from her, feel horribly guilty when I haven't done enough things with her during the day (e.g. left her to play with toys so I can ge a cup of tea, gone to wash up etc), feel stressed because her crying grates on me and makes me so tense and I'm bottling it all up and just feel bad for thinking that I want space from her and when I shout I feel something bad will happen because I don't deserve her.

I hope someone else feels the same and can offer advice.

Thank you for reading all that. It's nice to find somewhere to vent! :)

There is abolutely nothing wrong with needign and wanting some time apart from your baby. You are still the person you were before you had a baby - you are not suddenly just a mum.

I love my ds to bits and we are very close despite a rough start (he is now 3 but spent his first 3 weeks in NICU/SCBU, the first week unconscious) but I sure need my own space! I love working part time (went back when ds was 10m) and I love my thursday morning when ds is at special school for a few hours and it's just me...

Go do something for you asap - a class, excercise, a movie - and get those relatives involved. It takes a village to raise a child, not just a mum - I have little family and non in the Uk but we have close friends who are our and ds's family and he thrives on spending time with them with and without us.

Agree with PP.

I felt a lot of what you feel apart from the guilt! You're not a bad mum, I don't believe in good and bad mums, you are you, you love your daughter, you've developed a fantastic bond with her, but having a baby is so hard to adjust to.
I only was able to say to people that I was enjoying it at about 10 months and every month since then it keeps on getting better (at 14 months now) to the extent that I am starting to feel glad I had my DD and am looking forward to the future with her. I don't have PND but did find the early days very hard due to the usual discovery that having a baby means giving up a previous very enjoyable life!

I would say, take up every offer of babysitting or any other support. You are not meant to do this on your own. The whole one-on-one mother-baby thing is very recent and not very healthy. Just learn to say "yes please, that would be lovely" to every offer of help, and start planning enjoyable things to do in your life. Book a babysitter and go out once a week or once a month, whatever you can afford. If you possibly can, let go of the guilt. I'm so much happier since going back to work, because I am so pleased to see my DD at the end of the day and I really make the most of the days we have together. My DH is happier too, we're all better for it even though it means I don't fit society's mold of a mother who wants to be with her baby 24/7!

Thank you for all your help. It's good to hear that what I'm feeling isn't too weird! :)