Not sure where to start really. The main thing is that my son has autism and is 14 and is really hard work. He is in a unit attached to a mainstream school and is high functioning, but challenging. I had to give up my part time job last year, because I couldn't cope with holding down a job and dealing with all the phone calls from school because of his behaviour, the exclusions, the school refusal and the foul moods he would come home in. That is before all the appointments I had to take time off for - OT, CAHMS, Social services respite (ha ha), etc. He can be violent at times at home. He hits me and my husband when he's cross, and throws things too at times. He has no impulse control. He constantly needs attention, he has no friends so we end up trying to fill that role too - so even though he's 14, he's like a toddler in the amount of time he needs us to "be with him". We can't have friends round because he demands our attention all the time, we can't go anywhere much because of his routines and because he is phobic about animals, so anyone who has a pet is a no-no. Even the slightest thing that "normal" families do is a major feat of organisation for us to even attempt it.
I was relieved to finish work and at first really enjoyed it - not feeling stressed about getting to work when he's refusing school etc. But I feel so resentful that he affects my whole life in such a way. I literally feel as if I have nothing to live for. I don't mean I feel suicidal, I don't, but that all I do is exist. I get up in the morning and can't wait to go to bed again at night. I can't motivate myself to do anything because when ever I do it always gets interrupted by my son in some way or another. I don't have many friends any more - you soon find out who your friends are when you have a son like mine. I'm lonely, I'm bored, I'm hacked off and at times I just wish he didn't live with me. If my partner treated me like my son does, there's no way I'd still be with him - but I don't have a choice with my son. I do love him. But I don't like him.
I spent quite a bit of time talking to my gp last year, who would say I have mild depression, which responds best to counselling rather than anti-depressants and wouldn't give me anything. I've been having counselling on and off for years and it has helped by giving me strategies to cope better with my anxiety. But at the end of the day, no amount of tablets or counselling is going to change my situation. I need for my son to not be such hard work, because when things are going OK I don't feel unhappy. But they don't seem to be OK for much of the time and I'm just finding that I'm less and less inclined to make an effort with life, because I know it will all go to shit. I know I'm being negative, but I am so tired and worn out and have no reserves left. I wish I could just snap out of it, but I can't. I feel despair really, that my life will always be like this, that I will always be stuck and imprisoned by my son's autism. I don't have any ambitions or dreams any more. The only thing I look forward to is going to bed in the evening and the hope that one day things might get better. But as the months go by, I get less confident that they will. I don't know what I expect anyone to say really, but I just need to tell someone.