Taken A Step Forward

[GrownUpNow]

I've finally reached the point where I am able to say that I grew up in an abusive household, that it has negatively affected how I do things, and this has left me with a legacy of mental health issues that need tackled. I told the GP that though I feel much stronger now than before, that I needed to tackle the deep seated stuff. He said I have a good insight into my problems, I should think so as I've been thinking about making this appointment since Christmas.

I told him today about my anxiety coming out as an obsession with my health (and to a lesser degree the children's), I explained to him that my anxiety comes out as anger sometimes with the kids and it feels out of control, I told him that I was ready to tackle it because I recognised it was holding me back when it came to relationships, working, and my general day to day life coping skills.

I told him that I was not depressed, and that I now recognised most depression I had in the past was in relation to anxiety.

We decided that because I have a generalised anxiety problem and am very on edge, that I should go on to paroxetine again to help, I have self referred to Mind for counselling and I am going to self refer to another group which helps with coping skills in relation to anxiety/stress/anger etc.

I just need somewhere to chart my progress. I know it's going to be tough to talk about some of the things I am going to talk about, but I feel like it can only be positive because I am letting it all go so that I can let go of being dysfunctional and be a happy person and a better mother.

Well done - that's a great leap forward. Now you have all that clear in your mind you can start to move forward.

Hope your counselling starts quickly.

And a word from the been there done that brigade - don't chart your progress in too much detail as it is forever going by way of two steps forward one step back. Just keep an eye on the bigger picture.

Thanks. I don't plan on tracking in intimate detail everything that happens to me, I know that sort of focus can be unhealthy, thanks for reminding me. :)

I have been taking my paroxetine for nine days now and I think I may be noticing a slight difference in my anger/anxiety levels. I've been pretty ill for most of it with other issues, so I'm not sure as life hasn't been running as normal. I've been taking things very easy.

Side effects are definitely tiredness and some nausea, though again this could be in relation to the antibiotics I am taking too. I should imagine this clears up at some point, so I am not too worried.

I have my self-referral form for counselling here and I am not sure how to fill it in, so it's been sitting a while. I only have room for a sentence or two, how the heck do you condense it into that? I have also sat and filled out a CAF form with a family support worker looking for some 2+ funding for my LO to go to nursery for a couple of days a week so I can access counselling/hospital appointments and training/voluntary work to help me regain confidence in the workplace.

I'm looking forward to a break at the weekend, I will be going out with friends in London. I have a lovely new body suit to wear with my outfit and I've lost a bit of weight recently.

I'm in the best place I've ever been to get the ball rolling on this.

Have had a little setback. I think it is to be expected and I am learning to take these things in my stride.

Recognising that my mother is a big anxiety trigger has helped, I believe that there are areas that she is in denial about, and she tries a lot of the time to tell me that services are useless, I just need to not think about certain things so much, and I don't need medication. I don't think she understands how deep this goes, and I am not saying this as a poor me victim, but as someone who has recognised a really bad pattern of behaviours that need to change or they will be with me for life and thus affect what happens around me and shape my experience. So rather than looking for her advice and support, I am being quite strong and doing it alone. Perhaps this is what I need, to cut that line of support and walk on my own two feet. Running to mummy keeps me as a child, which I believe my mother in some ways encourages, whilst saying the opposite.

I did let her persuade me to stop my tablets the same day I posted the last entry, but have been taking them again recently after a doctors visit.

I still haven't filled out the counselling form. What do you put? I think I may have been sexually abused, I know that my environment was not healthy growing up, my dad was an alcoholic and occasionally violent, both my parents cheated, both my parents were a bit rubbish when it came to anger and discipline, my mum over shared when I was a teen and I felt pushed into being an accomplice for her cheating, I did loads of stupid stuff trying to deal with all of this, I've been a victim personality most of my life, have had depression and generalised anxiety disorder and now I want some help because I've noticed some of the behaviour in my parenting, and I just want to have a normal life, build relationships and get a job which I can keep, and most importantly not pass down this faulty shit to my kids.

well done for posting that you had a set-back. Yes they are only to be expected and will happen for a good while yet.

Where is that counselling form? Let's get that filled in:

'Childhood issues including unhealthy parenting from both father and mother and possible sexual abuse. Depression and anxiety. Concerned that I'm passing on some unhelpful behaviour in my own parenting and desperate to avoid this'

That will do - you can explain the rest in person at your intake meeting.

The higher dose of the medicine has improved my state of mind greatly.

Little things I have noticed that are different include not having compulsive thoughts about injuring myself or dying when I do certain things, like going up and down stairs, or getting in a car.

Also I have a slower temper and don't fly off the handle at the kids any more. This is a massive plus as I was getting concerned by my inability to control my temper sometimes, especially having grown up with a parent who was particularly volatile. Now I can do cross and in control, no more screaming harpy.

My general level of anxiety is lower, I'm not like a tightly wound spring any more. I have still had a couple of very anxious days, but they have been the exception rather than the rule.

My mood has improved, which surprised me because I hadn't thought I was particularly down, just very anxious and manic. But I am actually sleeping a little better, waking before my alarm clock and getting up with energy, with motivation to get things done around the house, something I've struggled with over the past few years. Well, actually, more like forever, but I don't want to make that pretty grim admission. I have actually never felt light and happy in this way, nor been assertive, and always been very very anxious. It's like a huge weight is lifted.

I have started saying no, especially to my mum. I can tell people I am not happy. I am doing it in little baby steps, getting used to it.

I still have a bit of a health obsession, I think I need proper counselling to get away from this, but I've started moderating my comments with regards to health to my mum. Hopefully this will become a habit and stick.

I never thought I'd be an advocate of drug therapy, usually I do all I can to avoid taking them, but the difference in myself has shocked me and I'd be quite willing to take these forever if that is what it took to function normally.

Keep striving.