Nothing can help me now (long sorry)

[ImNotThere]

I have named changed for this as am known on another topic and now feel like a fraud for offering positive advice to other MNetters in a similar situation.

I need to get some of it down while I feel relatively calm.

Background is that DP died very suddenly right in front of me a year and a half ago - I was pregnant with our second.

Since the year anniversary I have been going steadily downhill in various ways e.g.

• constantly going over and over not just the day DP died, but the aftermath, DD2's birth etc.
• fretting about clutter and mess in the house, anxious about the idea of dirt building up in corners
• vicious return of old bad habits (picking at skin, overeating late at night meaning I've put on over half a stone in the past few weeks)
• bad tempered and overly snappy with the Dcs. Not all the time, but too much. Enough for me to worry that I've ruined them.

Lately I have been feeling that I am slipping off the cliff edge. If friends and family talk about money matters in front of me, my first thought is that they're hinting that I'm being a parasite and should get a job (atm the DCs and I have a small pension from Dp, income from renting out house as I am essentially living with family and of course CTC and child benefit - yes, living off the state). The lucid, rational part of me says this is not the case, but I cannot stop the thoughts.

At my worst, when I look at photos of DH, I - a staunch atheist - sometimes think I see his expression change to one of disappointment and hatred.

I'm not hearing voices in the sense that I don't hear someone external saying things to me, but there's a 'voice' inside my head iyswim, which does a running commentary saying things like 'useless fat bitch'. A thought more than a voice, perhaps. Not all the time, just more often and more nasty now.

Yesterday I got out of the shower, sat on the floor and it took me 20 minutes to be able to get up. I just sat there with this urge to chop my legs and arms off. That really, really terrified me.

Nothing's going to help is it? No one can bring him back, so it's all poitnless. Even if those really bad thoughts can be managed with medication, I just cannot see how the flat despair of DP being dead (dead? How is that even possible?) will ever, ever not be there.

I am not suicidal as one of the memories constantly going through my head is the expression on DD1'a face when I told her. I'm not being a cause of that. I won't do it. But I think all the time about how much I would like to die and imagine each night that as I drift off, I'm not going to wake up again.

I went to see someone for the first time last week. She says I should see the doctor too but I have been to the doctor about three times in the last year and each time it was either nothing (had tests for underactive thyroid - came back negative), or something so easily solved they must think I am a neurotic waste of time and funds.

The problem is that on the surface I appear to be doing well, being strong etc. I am very good at detaching myself, so I do smile and laugh with people, with the DCs too. I find it exhausting though and can't be around people for too long before I'm itching to get away or for them to go away.

I am functioning in that I can push the feelings down enough to get out of bed (eventually), feed the DCs (just about) and go about a normal routine. This confuses me, because if I were truly needing help, surely I'd be on the floor like yesterday all the time? I can see that I am starting to lose it, and can see that some of the things I find myself thinking are ridiculous, so does that make me a fraud? Am I really thinking them?

I don't know what to do. I've never felt this out of control before.

Oh sweetheart I'm so sorry for what you have been going through. All things considered I think you are doing amazing to hold it together for your children.

You have suffered such a huge loss and it's no wonder you are feeling the way you do. You really need to go back to the doctor and explain how anxious you are feeling. At the very least you need to be referred for counselling though I suspect you might benefit from some medication as you are clearly ( and understandably) suffering with depression and anxiety, and possibly post traumatic stress disorder.

You are not a fraud. I think the reason you manage to get up etc is your survival instinct kicking in, and the need to protect our children often keeps even the illest of going.

Please go to your doctor and keep talking here. There is also a bereavement board on here that might be helpful to you xx

You poor poor dear. Please go to your doctor and tell them how you are feeling. It sounds to me (from a lot of experience myself) that you have very understandably slipped into depression and that it is getting worse for you.

Having insight into your "ridiculous" thoughts does not mean that the pain you feel from them is any less real.

You have every right to as much help as you can possibly get but you will need to ask for it - and I do know how difficult that can be.

You are doing a fantastic job with your dds, if you are keeping them fed and in a routine and you owe it to them as well as to yourself to get better. Its going to be a long journey and the pain will probably never really go away, but you can start by seeing your GP.

They are probably going to want to put you on antidepressants and maybe refer you to the Community Mental Health Team given your symptoms, but these people will be experienced in dealing with depression due to bereavement.

Please keep on posting and let us know how you are. Thinking of you xx

Grief can be so destructive. Our bodies absorb it mentally and physically. It's often not logical so you think you are going mad cos you have all these symptoms but no medical tests show a damn thing wrong.

Please do as Memoo suggests and go back to a Dr at your surgery whom you feel you can talk to. Print off your post on here and hand it to them. There's alot going on it that post and you might omit bits at the surgery.

And I think you are expecting too much from yourself and perhaps adding pressure to yourself?

Have you got a support network? You say you are with family, is that going ok?

Please see the Dr. They won't solve things but they might be the first part of you getting abit back on track.

Take care and update us ok?

Im so sorry youve had to go through all this .

Do go to the drs and start to get access to the help you deserve.

It sounds like youve done an incredible job of keeping things going - but theres only so much you can do.

Take Care x

Thanks for replying. I've worked myself up writing all that down - am trying to calm mysefl down enough to go to bed.

Just now, as with the shower incident, I feel almost as if I'm folding into myself and can't escape.

Memoo - yes I'm a regular (diff name) on the bereavement board, but don't want to post this stuff there. Not sure why - been offering advice to others and feel like a hypocrite, but also don't want to dishearten the newly bereaved.

I know I've got to see the doctor, but am worried that doing that will set into motion a chain of events that will leave me stigmatised forever.

I don't want people coming round with clipboards and referring the children for having a mother who is cracking up.

I have talked in a very circumspect way to some family members this weekend. I have never been the type to talk about feelings to anyone apart from DP, so this is all very frightening.

Thanks for replying, really.

I agree with all previous posts and also am so sorry for your loss.
Just one thing to add- a focus outside the home may be good- less time to think/remember. Not sure what- something creative and all-consuming like gardening or making something? Getting out and about is good- especially with better wa=eather coming- can really lift the spirits.
You are also being hard on yourself- sounds to me like DP would be proud of how you've done.
I am sure talking to GP will not bring clipboards around.
Things will get better- its early days.

It sounds like you having a really rough time but considering what you have been through it is not surprising.

From what you have described as the other posts have said you it definitely sounds like you are depressed. Depression is a terrible thing and makes everyday feel like an eternal struggle. But things can get better...honest.

From what you have written the voice you have described sounds like your inner voice that is turned up to the max. We all have an inner voice - a running commentary that is always there but most of the time we are not even aware of it. However, depression chips away at our self esteem and that impacts on this inner voice and turns it into the bitch from hell - criticising everything you do, the way you look and basically makes you feel even worse about yourself and everything you do.

Please go and see your doctor and if you find it difficult to say what you have posted on here do as another poster suggested print out your post and give it to them to read. Any doctor who reads it would know instantly that you are depressed.

You are right unfortunately depression still has a stigma attached to it. However, that is changing and most people will have experienced depression or will know someone who has experienced it. And please don't worry about social services getting involved - they would only get involved if there are any risk issues and you are as you said not suicidal and are still managing to get through the day so there are no risk issues. Honestly there are lots of things that can help with depression - I think you would really benefit from seeing a clinical psychologist as they would be able to help you work through your grief and help you get through this.

That fear of being stigmatised is very common. It's one of the main reasons people refuse anti-d's.

Anti-d's do not offer an immediate cure. They can provide your mind with a break from the stress of overworking and steady the anxiety.

A colleague once told me that she explains anti-d's to her patients in this way; the brain is full of connecting lines/waves. These lines bridge together. But when the lines get broken ( often from trauma) the bridges collapse. The anti-d's can fix the bridges again. It can take 2 yrs for a full fix. But in weeks you can start to function more positively. And that in itself begins to mend the mind.

And the mind and phsyical self is intertwined.

Just take babysteps at first. Don't look at the bigger picture - that's too scary.

Stigma doesn't really exist so much these days - honestly. So many people have experienced a breakdown on some level. Often it's the strong people cos they are so used to coping - and it's hell of a shock when there is something in their lives they cannot sort out.

But getting help earlier rather than later will help you get back on track quicker. There is nothing weak about needing abit of help. It takes a strong person to say " ok I thought I could do this. I can't. I am screwing up. Please help me.".

Thanks kangers. Yes, I had been throwing myself into all sorts of creative activities (learning an instrument, painting etc. which was helping, but I have now lost all motivation and energy.

I have been doggedly sticking to my exercise regime, but no longer get the high from it.

DD is crying, so must go.

I'm going to email my doctor I think. There's no way I can say all this face to face.

Nobody is going to refer your dc because of these feelings you are having. You are experiencing a perfectly normal reaction to bereavement and that doesn't make you a bad mother. I spent time in hospital I was so ill with depression and anxiety and nobody referred me to Ss or even once suggested that my children where in anyway at risk. you can only take so much on board before it all becomes too much and you sound like you are at breaking point. You are not a hypercrite, the loss that you have experienced is devastating and 18 months is a short time. Please don't be afraid of getting help xx

All quiet now - poor little arm wedged in cot bars.

delfan, pancake and memoo - your posts are very reassuring, so thank you. I like the bridges analogy, Pancake.

Memoo, I'm sorry to hear about what you've been through. Borderline too - I saw your thread after you posted and am very touched that you posted here too.

Gradually calming down. Just need to make myself change into pyjamas and clean teeth instead of sleeping in my clothes

Some of the things you are feeling sound like PTSD to me,rather than depression,although depression can be part of the PTSD picture.Can you talk to your GP and ask to be referred to a counsellor who knows about PTSD and/or grief ? Or could your family help you see someone privately? I'm so sorry you are suffering like this and I hope things get better soon for you.

Hope you manage to get some sleep xx

pancake thank you for your explanation re: anti d's. It is spot on. OP please get help from your GP, you will feel so much better when you do.

Hope you're feeling better this morning and have made an appointment with the GP or at least emailed him.

I just wanted to say that if you were there when your DP died, and it was sudden and unexpected, I would have thought PTSD was a definite possibility.

I wasn't there when my DH died (also suddenly and unexpectedly), but even so I sometimes have disturbing flashbacks to seeing him in the hospital he was taken to, and at the morgue after the postmortem. I have also had nightmares where I was with him when he collapsed and desperately tried to resuscitate him and couldn't. If you actually were in that situation, I can imagine it would have been profoundly traumatic. Have you spoken about any of this to the doctor before? Has anyone mentioned PTSD to you?

Another one just wondering how you are doing today?

Made any Dr's appointments lately or sent them a little email???

Hope you are ok.

Another one who's hoping that you've made that appointment with your GP.

I lost my DP 3.5 years ago when I was 6 months pregnant. He died a week after his brain haemorrhage with me beside him. The shock of it, the flashbacks etc. lasted for a long, long time. The thing is, that when you have kids, you have to put your grieving on the back burner quite a bit. It ends up coming out in dribs and drabs. Your symptoms really do sound like PTSD, what a trauma for you.

Another resource that you might want to think about is CRUSE bereavement counselling. I had a lovely lady come and counsel my son and I after my son's dad died and then again when my daughter's dad died. She was so kind to us and really helped us.

Another thought - can you talk to your HV? Are you still in touch with her? I ask because I'm guessing that your baby is still quite young. Your HV may be able to get you referred through your doctor's surgery.

There's a website called Merry Widow run by a lady called Kate Boydell which may be a place you can shout out about your DP and how you feel. The feeling of going mad is one quite common and there does seem to be a thing about an 18 month low (which won't be of any help to you, but just to flag it up).... HTH.

Thanks again everyone.

I've sent an email to my GP. Took a while to steel myself to press 'send', but all done now. I can't bring myself to just say everything out loud, so I hope that when I do get an appointment I can just go in and say 'About that email..'

Each time I feel calmer, I think that I don't really need to see anyone/take anything after all, but the periods during which I feel really out of control are getting more frequent and I am dreading the next one.

Can't really describe it properly - feels like I'm turning in on myself or as if I'm detaching from the world and can't find a way back.

It happens when I'm on my own. At the moment being in public seems to hold it off, but I'm worried that one day it won't and that'll be it - officially and publicly crazy cat woman and that's how people will always see me.

Exexpat and Lemonylemon

Thought it might be you. I'm glad you plucked up courage to press send - can you try to be even braver and book a follow-up appointment while you are in one of your up moments? That way you might feel able to talk about it a bit. Or print out this thread and hand it over.

I can't offer any real advice, but my gut feeling is that you need to find some good, qualified, sympathetic and experienced person in real life to talk about it - and possibly get ADs or whatever to help you through. And the GP is probably the best portal to get you to that person - but it won't happen if you keep up the stiff-upper-lip, 'yes, I'm coping fine' facade (I'm very familiar with that one) when you really need to drop the pretence in the doctor's office.

Just an update - I've had a reply from the GP. She was really nice - reassured me I was not going mad, that she was very glad I sent her the copy of my OP and that they could help.

There was a cancellation, so I'm going in first thing tomorrow.

Exexpat, yes very familiar with the 'I'm coping fine' facade. My usual response to 'how are you?' is 'Oh, you know, up and down...' which obviously conveys nothing at all.

I have to take both DCs tomorrow, but will probably be able to get away with leaving DD1 in the toy area - it's a small, quiet surgery in a village and reception staff are understanding.

Good that it's an early appointment so you don't have a chance to get cold feet. Good luck . And I hope the DDs are nice and quiet for you.

You should feel a rather chuffed of yourself Imnotthere. It would have been far easier to make lots of excuses to why you couldn't contact the Dr's.

Hope it goes ok this morning.

And don't hard on yourself. One of the worst things in the world happened to you. It is sadly natural it will break you down. But you can rebuild. There's a life in front of you. And it can be happy one. It's just not the one you were expecting or wanting.

Good luck this morning, will be thinking of you xx

Ars, oh bless you..... Hope that your appointment goes well this morning. Your GP sounds lovely. Yes, that facade - we all do it - but what else can we do? Nobody is really interested anyway?

As a matter of interest, there's a new memoir out called "A Widow's Story: A Memoir" by Joyce Carol Oates. It was reviewed in the Mail on Sunday. One sentence reads "She is honest about the madness of grief, its guilt and its paranoia"......

As Pancake says - you do have a life in front of you.

You will rebuild - it will just take time.

Hi

Pancake, thanks - yes I've spent months and months making excuses, but the shower experience and everyone's posts here decided things. I did get cold feet ("I got myself up and dressed on time, so I must be fine.."), but I did make it and the GP was lovely - really reassuring.

Waiting list for counselling is long, and GP wants someone to see me soon, so one of the psychiatric nurses is going to call for a home appointment this week. Am also starting on Citalopram.

Now of course, I feel wretchedly guilty that Ive had help so quickly given how long so many people wait, that I can't cope when I have such great support from family and friends, that yet more money is being spent on my health, that I should be paying more tax to make up for it etc.etc (got the train of thought as far as 'the middle east is a mess; I don't deserve help').

And I still can't shake the feeling that perhaps my symptoms aren't bad enough to warrant all this and I'm getting help fraudulently.

Lemonylemon - the book sounds interesting. I looked it up. The NYTimes review included some passages that definitely resonated.

Thanks again to everyone.