Everything is getting on top of me and I don't know how much more I can take.

[Balaclava]

I've name changed for this as I don't want this to be traced to my usual name by anyone in RL.

I suffer from depression and as is the nature of the beast I can have long periods of 'wellness' but then the cloud decends and I have to seek help. It has been recommended that I be on anti-d's permanently.

For the last year or so I've had more bad days than good. I was signed off work for 3 months with anxiety and depression at the end of last year.

Current circumstances are not helping. My work is a nightmare. I only do 3 days but it is horrendous and I can't leave. I can't leave because H left his job last year without consulting me, he just decided to become a SAHD so we rely on my wages to get by.

I am doing my best to get a new job and have had 4 interviews in the last 6 months but have had no success, each job has gone to an internal applicant.

H doesn't seem bothered that my job has taken me to the brink. The day before I was signed off I fell to pieces at work, just couldn't take anymore. H's old job is still open and his ex-collegues ask him back each month but he always says no.

His not caring about my mental health is causing resentment from me. I am fed up trying to make ends meet on my part time wage, even with TC's to help. The jobs I have been going for are all FT but not as well paid as his old job (Which he didn't hate).

I have other outside pressures too and just feel like running away. If it wasn't for the DC's I may have done so.

H asks me why I don't train to be an X or a Y. I explain that I would have to leave home for a year to do so due to our rural location. Those ideas then bite the dust.

He won't look for PT work for himself and is more than happy for me to now be looking at working 2 jobs so we have enough money coming in. I went back to work following my sick leave against doctors orders as my sick pay had run out and we had next to nothing coming in.

The incredible pressure of having to work at a job I hate and that affects my mental health, not having enough money because I only work PT, looking for a new job and dealing with other pressures and commitments seemingly alone is killing me.

I feel close to breaking point again and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

Sorry for the long post and the self indulgent rant .

Bump.

I may be completely off mark it's just your post reminded me of me a few years back after I had returned to work four months after giving birth. I completely resented my then husband for me having to go back to work so soon (because he couldn't be bothered to look and apply for a job - and yet was happy to live off mummy & daddy but whose generosity didn't extend to me nor our child) however I'm so glad I did otherwise I would not have had the strength to end the relationship.

I too had started to feel everything getting on top of me (unsupported, the responsibility etc) but because of my history of depression thought it was just the beginning of a 'down' phase. However, a few months later I reached a sort of crisis point where I decided to leave home without my child. I never followed through because at the point of arranging the hotel I realised that actually the depression was different to in the past because I was neither feeling suicidal nor self harming. I did a lot of reflecting and realised that the problem was the relationship.

If I was in your situation I'd feel exactly the way you feel whether I suffered from depression or not. What I don't understand though is why your H left his job and more importantly now that he knows how your health is suffering why he doesn't want to return given that he still has the ability to? That would annoy me.

Don't know what to suggest really other than counselling. It sounds like you're shouldering all the responsibility. I know what you mean about not being able to leave work. I'm the same (just holding out for redundancy but feeling so fragile that worried that I'll "break" before my employer gets round to it). It's tough isn't it trying to work when really you know you're not up to it. If you did lose (read: "Quit"!) your job would your H change his mind about returning to his old job? And have you pushed him on it?

can you work for 2 or 2.5 days to take the load off yourself?