Does this sound like depression worth getting worked up over?

[YesIAmAshamed]

Regular, nobody, namechanger

DH has been on ADs for years. He admits he is 'sometimes mildly depressed' but will stop taking ADs as and when he decided to without talking to GP. It is hard to get him to realise that his behaviour and happiness is different on them.

Symptoms are:
Headaches
Tiredness (goes to bed at 8pm)
No social contact, but has never been very sociable anyway
Short fuse, never violent but always angry
Wakes up stressed, even on weekends
Does not drink huge amounts but is constantly wanting praise for not drinking for a few days, like this is an achievement
Obsessively ordered, again has always been a neat freak but this is something else
Impatient with DC to the point that I step in, probably doing their relationship no favours but I can't bear to hear DC upset when they have done nothing wrong

I seem to spend my whole time being careful not to upset DH and protecting DC from knowing that their father is so unhappy. I am tired, I am sad and I am an emptional wreck from being so unhappy and yet having to overcompensate constantly and be the support for him and the fun for the DC. I am thinking about leaving him, hence the name. Now I know depression is an illness and I would like to think I would not leave someone with cancer, but I honestly think I would if it was detrimental to DC's happiness and wellbeing.

So am I making a fuss over nothing? Is it heartless to leave this man who on the surface has never done anything to hurt me or DC? And what else can I do to help? I don't want to leave but I will not allow my DC to have two desperately unhappy parents. Please help.

OH yesAshamed - this all sounds very very wearing for you and it sounds as though you are in danger of suffering some mental illhealth and probably already are suffering mild depression, as you describe yourself as an "emotional wreck" and I am not surprised. I know when people post like this, people tend to pile in and say "leave him - this is an abusive relationship" etc etc and this is so easy to say tapping away as ananonymous person on a lap top.

I certainly don't think your are "making a fuss over nothing" - feelings are real. You say he has never done anything to hurt you or DC but hurt does not have to physical, it can be emotional and it seems to me that this is what he is (intentionally or not) inflicting on you and the children.
This of course is equally as harmful as physical violence. You say he is always angry - do you know what he is angry about - does he know? I wonder about the following:

Can he be "reasoned with" at any level?
Will he enter into any debate about the state of your relationship and how unhappy you are? Or have you not tried, if not, why not?
Are you afraid/wary of your H?
Does he hold down a job?
Do you know anything about his c.hood - any abuse or neglect or controlling parent for instance, as much of our behaviour in adulthood is a re-enactment (not ata conscious level) of childhood issues.
Are your children (what ages btw) afriad/waryof their dad?
Does he have any positive characterisitics, is there anything you like abouthim?

You are obviously a mother who cares deeply for your children's happiness and unlike many posters, you seem fairly clear that you are not going to have theri childhood ruined. Good for you, as they too may grow up like their father.

Is there any possibility of couple therapy?

Does he know how troubled and worn out you are by all this?

Do you have somewhere to go if you did leave him?

Sorry to present so many questions, but these are just some of the thoughts that arose after reading your post. However I do absolutely agree that the welfare of your children has to be your first priority.

Maybe post again?

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

Will he enter into any debate about the state of your relationship and how unhappy you are? Or have you not tried, if not, why not?
I have broken down on one occasion, told him how unhappy his unhappiness makes me (if that makes any sense) and he promised that he would change. That's it, he will try harder.

Are you afraid/wary of your H?
Yes. I am afraid of his scowl, his impatiant tone and his defensiveness. Sounds pathetic, doesn't it, when other women are scared of their DH's fists.

Does he hold down a job?
Yes, but he resents it. He is seen at work as successful and content. I don't know whether he saves all his smiling and good temper for work, I wish I saw some.

Do you know anything about his c.hood - any abuse or neglect or controlling parent for instance, as much of our behaviour in adulthood is a re-enactment (not ata conscious level) of childhood issues.
I think I know most things about his childhood, know his parents and siblings and all their extended families, have seen no evidence of any issues from here.

Are your children (what ages btw) afriad/waryof their dad?
I don't want to be too specific as I am so terrified of someone recognising the situation, I am ashamed that he is so unhappy. I think DC are too young to have an opinion on whether they are wary of him, although they do favour me, possibly because I always step in when I hear his voice raising or becoming impatient.

Does he have any positive characterisitics, is there anything you like abouthim?
Not any more. I can vaguely remember stuff I used to like, but it is all gone, sense of humour, spontinaity, love of travel, even having a night at the pub together, he doesn't want to do anything any more. I know chidlren change things but I still love seeing people, going out and he doesn't want to, which he was never big on anyway, but now he doesn't want me to go as then he is in charge of DC, even if they are in bed, he feels he is being put apon and then I stay in, sit on my own and feel resentful. He used to love me for my smile, my sense of fun, my loyalty to my friends, all the things which I feel he is now stripping me of.

I would be more than willing to try couple therapy but I would really like him to get any depression problems sorted first so that I can see if there is anything worth saving or if he is now a different person forever.

I think he knows how tired this is making me but I don't keep bringing it up because I don't want to add to his stress by nagging.

Yes, I have somewhere to go.

I don't want it to be this way. Should I issue and ultimatum? Or actually leave to shock him into action? I can't just carry on sleeping in the spare room and being quiet and understanding all the time, I know this is what I bought into when I said 'in sickness and in health' but I didn't realise we would have such a short time of happiness.

Sorry, this is so long and so minor compared to most problems, I just feel lost. Like I want someone to say, 'My DH had that, but we did X and now he is better and we are happy'. Is it possible?

Off to bed, spare room again so he can get a good nights sleep :(

You should absolutely not be ashamed that he is feeling like this, he has an illness and it is not anything you have caused, and one he needs treatment for or it is likely to stay this way. Personally, I could not live with someone like that who was unwilling to get help, ADs and therapy, because it is too emotionally draining over time. He is deeply unhappy, but probably thinks that his 'world' is normal, and it is not good for you or the children. I would do everything I could to get him to a GP and then take it from there. Obviously he is not serious about taking his ADs if he is stopping and starting them, and it is not enough he needs therapy as well. Don't feel like this is not minor compared to most problems, it is not, you are doing an amazing job supporting him through something so very difficult, and his role in this situation is to get better by getting the medical support he needs to do that.

not not minor....

Thanks, normally I start the day feeling more positive but am really down now, feel like I have reached a crossroads, have to bring it up but there is never a good time. Will try tomorrow and book appt for him if necessary with GP. Maybe if I go with him and encourage him to tell GP how much it is affecting him and his family it would help? Thanks for your replies, nice to be able to voice something I would never say aloud in real life.

YesIamashamed -think you should change that name, you have nothing to be ashamed about. Thanks for responding to all the issues I raised.

I think "breaking down once" and telling him how you feel isn't helpful because it's easily forgotten and things just return to the way they have been for some time. Think you need to keep it alive and bringing it up. You say you think he knows how it is making you tired but you don't want to keep bringing it up because of nagging -oh dear this is what men say about women who need to raise issues that are troubling them. I suspect the other reason is because you are afraid of him and any possible repercussions and it absolutely isn't pathetic to be afraid of someone. It doesn't matter whether it's scowls or fists of whatever, fear is a feeling and your feelings are real.

He probably knows that you are afraid to bring things up and this allows him to continue to behave the way he does. Remember A can only behave like he does because B lets him. It is just easier to take the line of least resistance and I truly understand that position, but it isn't helpful to you, the children or him.

I know you mention depression and I am very empathetic as I have suffered 2 major episodes (both needing inpatient treatment for 3 months) and am still trying to recover from last episodelast year and have some truly grim days when I can barely getout of bed. However I do take my meds, see my CPN and follow her advice and do what I can to get myself better. If your H is holding down a job, I just think that his depression cannot be that bad, but then that might be unfair.

I think firstly you have to get hold of some courage and tell him (not just in a breakdown situation) how badly you are feeling. Can you write it down for him to read. I agree that you need to accompany him to GP to get help for his depression, BUT he must be willing to try to help himself and it doesn't sound like he is at present. When you are rock bottom there is little you can do, but he is holding down a job, so is not rock bottom, although it may be the pressure of holding the job down that is causing the stress etc.

Then - more courage - you need to impress upon him that things have got to change, or you see no other way but to split up. This must not be a vague thing so he can say ok "I'll try" etc. I think one of the things you must insist on is couple therapy and it sounds like you could afford it. If he refuses, then I honestly think that yoyu must consider leaving - especially as you have somewhere to go.

If you offer to help him with his depression, and he co-operates and things improve, then great, but if he is not willing to co-operate (and it will be a big deal for him cus a lot of men would rather walk over broken glass than talk about feelings) then I think you will be justified in leaving.

You say there is never a good time to "bring things up " - this I suspect is because you are putting it off and I think it is a case of getting your courage up and then you will find the time. I think you might be surprised at how he reacts once he can see you mean business and if you can be assertive rather than confrontational, so much the better.

SO - come on - get things moving and let us know how you get on (sorry if I sound bossy - don't mean to)

Sending warm wishes and a little bag of courage!

Nana you say it sounds as though I am suffering mild depression, I though depression was a chemical imbalance, can you suffer it just by being around someone who is always unhappy? I feel like I am not unhappy unless I am near DH. I am loathe to use the word depression because I know I am only sad because of a situation and if I stopped playing the victim I could fix it. I dont know what to do. And yet I still have not told him how I feel. I need some time with him away from DCs so I can really explain how the situation is affecting me I don't want to bring it up when I have DCs to deal with. This is a nightmare.