nowhere to turn

[theratpack]

im hurting so much i dont know i can take anymore. I have posted before about what happened to me when pregnant, during and after birth of dd. I havent the strength to fight anymore. Its all such a mess. Im to frightmed to regisiter with GP, have no family support just dh ( who is great so i count my blessings there).

I have contact the birth trauma assoc and i am waiting for them to contact me.

I dont have anyone i can talk to about it, i need clarity and to understand why. The world i live in now is one where i have nowhere to turn. I have lost all faith in the system.

Just wanted to post. Im devestated, cant move on, a mess!

oh sweetheart i haevn't seen you rprevious threads but please, please, please go and see your dotor/mw/health visitor they will be able to help ((((theratpack))))

thanks auro for replying. I cant go and see them. We have moved area's since dd birth and i cannot bear the thought of what happened happeneing again. Its such a long story and im soooo tired of it all. It runined my life, i will never recover.

you don't have to say thank you
maybe you could consider counselling?

feeling rather humble at the moment. And greatful that someone is listening.

I really want counselling and i am trying to find a counsellor. Its going to take ages to recover. Its not fair that other peoples mistakes are responsible for making my life hell! I cant even make friends in new area as have so much bloody baggage and am at the point of tears all the time. people run a mile from people like me!

why sweetheart? i have had bad pnd and had no family support, so-called friends (that i used toplay skittles with) knew that i was ill - yet didn't even call to say hi - so i know what it feels like to not have friends at the very time that you need them. it is hard but i really think that you need to go to docs and ask for help (((()))) am sorry sweetheart, i have to go catch the bus - am at dp's house at moment but please keep posting to keep the thread in active lists ((((((trp))))

theratpack - it's understandable to feel the way you do after what happened, it really is. It does sound like counselling would be helpful to you. It might not be able help you understand why it happened, and sometimes you never get a satisfactory answer for this sort of thing. But it may help you with the way you feel about it.

When you say you don't have the strength to fight any more what do you mean? Are you in process of making a complaint or trying to find out why it happened?

RE: registering with GP - I totally understand your reluctance here, but if want any help / support / counselling through the NHS you will have to register with one. Try and remember not all health professionals are the same, there are some very lovely understanding ones out there, it's just a case of finding one.

Could your DH suss out if there's a nice GP at a local practice for you somehow? Have you tried contacting MIND or other mental health charity?

yes, im in the process of making complaint buts its all so overwhelming and complex. I have no choice but to just give up. Im so devastated by this as they are so in the wrong.

Because of what they did to me i will never never never open my heart to an nhs professional, im too terrified. GP is not an option for me unfortunatly.

Im so tired i hardly have energy to get thru the day, i have lost so much weight. I was so happy before all this happened, its just chipped away at me until i have broken.

Im waiting for the birth trauma association to get in touch, maybe they can put me in touch with a counsellor.

i think i have brain strain, ive been thinking really deeply about everything. I have been going places with dd just so i have witnesses to the fact that i am a good mum. We went out the other day, and someone took a pic of dd, i remeber thinking ahh good, thats evidence that i am a good mum and dd has a nice life.. my brain is tired form thinking this way tbh.

It like everything that happens has a deeper meaning.

please someone give me some words of wisdom. I fear that i am becoming unwell again. Its been almost 2 years since i was last unwell. I thought i had recovered. I havent a fecking clue what to do!!!

I think i getting ideas of referance, magical thinking etc. I dont know, if its a normal reaction to stresses or what? maybe i am psychic and living in a world that does not accept that. not sure.

theratpack you need to get help now love - I do think you are getting unwell again. If you really cannot face the GP go to an NHs walk-in centre - take your dh with you. Tell them you feel you are losing it and that you are starting to think you have magic powers.

I know you had a bad experience but not getting help for this is not an option x

whats the urgency tho?? what will happen if i do go?

what happens when this happens and you have dc??

the urgency is in this sentence:

I think i getting ideas of referance, magical thinking etc. I dont know, if its a normal reaction to stresses or what? maybe i am psychic and living in a world that does not accept that. not sure.

show it to some people close to you and they might tell you that it sounds a bit worrying. Don't let it get out of hand.

I agree with madmouse you need to seek help. I don't know your history but sounds like you've been through a horrific time I am so so sorry. From the symptoms you describe it could sound like the start of a psychotic episode - have this happened to you before? I'm glad you've got a supportive DH - I hope he is looking after you, and keeping an eye on how things are going. Please do get help, and don't worry about the DC, they will be fine. The best thing you can do for them right now is to get help for yourself xx

thanks. I know i need help and tbh i want help. I am not silly and know when i need help. But i cant to anything until i know what will happen to dc.

Ive just told dh i am becoming unwell and he is just as terrified as me.

Please please can someone tellme what happens when you present at the gp / hospital with poss psychotic episode and you have dc!!!

I know what i need medication, but i am breast feeding aswel and dh has never been able to take a bottle! so what the hell happens ther??

I will take meds as dont want to be unwell i know i can get better with meds and perhaps some kind support not bullys or jobsworths.

Im an intelligent woman and have good insight. I ask for help when i need it.

I can still talk rationally i look well etc.

I just want to also say, apologies if i came accross as thinking i have magic powers, i am not sure that is the correct explanation of how i feel. I think i have more magical thinking than powers, such as that thing happend for a reason etc

opps dd has nver been able to take a bottle.

Ask to see the perinatal psychiatrist in your area - they will specialise in post natal mental health problems, and also know a lot about medications you can take whilst breast feeding.

Re. the DC it is impossible to say what will happen because everyone's circumstances are different, but my experience was that I had the crisis team visit me at home 7 days a week before I was assessed by a crisis team psychiatrist. I had one visit from a social worker who was lovely and supportive, and was then assigned a CPN who also visited me. My DD was fine - I had my mum and DH on hand to help out. I was eventually admitted to a mother and baby unit and was able to keep DD with me the whole time.

HTH

I've had a psychotic episode or two and have just come off antipsychotics.

Children were never mentioned in the whole treatment process - just a concern to get me well again!

Hope you can get the help you need - I understand your fear of the medical profession!

thanks for posting your positive experiances re getting help. I am worried that i have no full time support locally, dh is self employed and if he doesnt work he doesnt get paid, so he cant be home all the time. what does that mean??? thats the only reason they will intervene.We have no other social concerns, we present as a fully functional middle class family. Themums i mix with at baby groups are lawyers, managers, teacher, social workers etc we have a lovely clean home, no debts, drugs etc.

We have moved to a small town (i was in an inner city borough before). once word gets out, peoples perception of me will change, and worst of all dd will be connected to it. Its so bloody unfair.

i know its a long shot, but are there any alternative treatments that will help??

I have had a psychotic epoisode before, in 2002, the funny thing is it took a year for dr to tke it seriously, i went alots of times asking for help and i was told dont be silly, by that point i was sucidal and a mess. Spent 3 weeks i hospital discharged on anti pychotics.

don't even think about trying to tackle a psychotic episode with alternative remedies....please