Depressed Mother- Depressed me

[harrap]

I feel tired thie morning.I slept really badly.

My mother is in her late 70's and is very sad after her partner of many years left her for another woman. This is the second time this has happened to her the first man to leave was my father and I stayed with my mum after they split and took the brunt of an extremely messy break up.

My mother has probably always been depressed.

She has very little confidence and is very insecure but her lack of self esteem has made her some what controlling and what she would think is assertion comes out as aggression. She's not good with boundaries and feels if you are not disclosing you inner most thoughts you are holding out on her. But I have learnt not to tell her too much because she often manages to say something unhelpful.

She has a lot of conflicting emotions, she has always been a catastrophiser (sp?) and quite negative.

I think I have always absorbed her anxiety and sadness. And now a weekend with her leaves me exhausted. Well they always have really I used to cry in the car as I drove away from her but at least then I felt I wasn't leaving her on her own.

There is really nothing more I can do to help her than I already am because I have a child, a job a partner etc.

How can I emotionally detach myself even a little? Tell me about your own relationship with your mother.

Your mother sounds just like mine, and I think you deserve a medal for lasting a whole weekend. My limit is three hours tops. Today I took her out for lunch, but she still called me three times this afternoon. It drives me nuts.

My mother's been like that forever, and unlike yours there's nothing I know that could explain her behaviour. Like yours, she wants to know everything, and she thinks that what she wants to do is what everyone wants to do - even down to whether or not you're feeling hungry. Or she'll ring me up and ask what I think of the TV programme she's watching!

I decided a long time ago that the most important thing in my life was me. Sounds selfish, but it's not, because if I fall apart the whole family falls apart, including my mother, and spending more and more time with my mother is a sure fire way to end up a basket case.

There's also absolutely nothing I can do to change her attitude. I've tried again and again and again and nothing works. When I was first married she used to come round (without being asked) to clean the house while I was at work, but she used to rearrange my furniture (because it wasn't how she wanted it) and read my mail "to make sure that I had no financial problems". I solved that by installing a burglar alarm and not telling her the code :)

And I have also vowed to never ever be like that with my own daughter.

Bottle of tequilla or cherry vodka should do the job on the next visit.

Seriously, you won't change her. If you can change your reactions then that is the only way. But why should you change your reactions to your mother if they are part of normal human emotions. Is it possible to harden your heart against one person? I've found it much easier to deal with my mother by understanding why she behaves like she does. Doesn't make it easy, but easier.

I think my father is possibly like your mother, op. My mother died and he didn't handle it well - being clingy, aggressive, fractious/anxious about every little thing - until I felt the same worry and anxiety constantly. I tried to be reasonable but found it hard to constantly detach myself and see things in an even-minded, non-catastrophic way.

In terms of catastrophic thinking, I ended up talking to him as if he was a naughty child - reasoning things out step by step and being very stern. I think we both found it grating but possibly he finds that kind of thing reassuring. It may be harder for a mother to take that from her daughter.

My dad has a long term illness and had been depressed for a long time anyway, making him a dependant, anxious kind of person anyway.

Possibly a tough, stern, reasonable and calm attitude towards your ma - telling her when she's over-reacting and making her argue her point until she sees the cracks in her worries - might help?

Thanks for responding, later I googled 'energy vampires' and it said you often respond to them by eating and shopping- I'd spent some time shovelling down pancakes and looking for 'useful' things to buy on Amazon!

2 days later and I'm feeling much better (and I have a travel mug and a jumbo photo holder).

Wow, that ticks boxes with me too - hair product and cheesecake...

Mini chocolate brownies and organiser boxes...