Shaken up

[ohboob]

I wanted to put this here rather than in relationships, so hope it's ok. My keyboard is sticking so apologies if there are lots of typos.

I'm having a bad day and have felt really shaken.

I'm currently trying to go out on dates and find myself a nice man. I was abused a few years ago and so it makes it hard, but I did have counselling so it's not as bad as it could be. I've been finding dating rather rocky and triggering but have kept trying to go out and meet people. I had a second date last night with the most lovely guy. A professional, good looking, very kind and funny and interesting. I didn't have feelings for him the first time round and kissing him wasn't the nicest thing but I made myself see him again to see if those feelings might appear. Anyway, we had a nice evening and ended up back at mine. I've been trying to not sleep with people on the second date as I seem to keep doing that and always feel uncomfortable about it afterwards, but it ended up happening again last night. Anyway, he finally left at lunchtime and all day I've just felt awful. Really dirty and like I've had my space invaded. I 100% went along with it, he was lovely, but I still didn't have feelings for him so it wasn't pleasant and it's brought up bad memories for me. I feel really teary that I did what I did and now I'm going to have to e-mail him to say I don't want to see him again and I'm worrying I'll be hurting his feelings. I feel like a bad person. I'm just so sad that I went ahead with it all as I always do - I never seem to be able to value myself enough to ask to take things slowly. That's what I want to be doing. It was actually unpleasant kissing him and made me want to retch and I should have been able to say I wanted it to stop. (poor guy, he was so lovely as well)

There's a whole other massive scary issue which is going on (and it probably contributes to me making myself sleep with men sooner than I want to). I have a really complex disability - 3 different conditions. It's pretty bad and I have been putting on an act of being healthy on these dates because I don't feel comfortable explaining about it all too soon. I'm so very, very scared that no one is going to want me once they realise the extent of it. I try to look at people like Alison Lapper who got married and had a child despite a very significant disability, but I still feel bad. I've been so used to dealing with it alone and hiding the full extent of it from even my friends, that the idea of letting someone in is terrifying. Surely anyone who finds out that I'm in bed most of the time, can't walk much, can't do anything for more than an hour without getting exhausted is going to run for the hills. I think that because of this fear I'm sleeping with men too early in the hope that they will like me and then won't want to reject me when they find out about my health. Which is the wrong way to go about it. I need to have the courage to tell people in advance (it's internet dating). But what if NO ONE then even wants to come on a date with me.

I feel so emotional and upset. I've had to do a big clean of my room to get rid of the smell of the guy who smelt, which then meant I slept for hours and that makes me feel worse. I hate that I keep putting myself in this situation because it really does trigger bad memories of being kissed by someone who I didn't want to be kissed by, etc. But I don't want to be left with no one, I have so much to give. I want to be with someone. It's all so scary.

Thank you so much if you got this far. I haven't been properly depressed in years but feel very 'ill' depressed today, rather than just down. I'm rather overwhelmed. I still don't feel clean.

guy who stayed over, not smelt. oops.

Why not have some more counselling, it sounds like you need some support with this dating stuff.

Its supposed to be enjoyable and I reckon with a bit of help you will be able to relax and enjoy it all and able to set effective boundaries for yourself.

Meantime give yourself a break, sounds like you have come a long way already.

Speaking form my own experience (abused as a child and again as a young teen) it looks to me like you have veyr little idea of boundaries and self-respect.

You do not need to sleep with anyone to prove your worth and you do not have to violate yourself for any reason.

Maybe dating like you do right now is not the most helpful thing to do (I have easy talking being married I know)- but you are good enough and loveable enough to be accepted for who you are, disability an all.

And I would recommend more counselling - working specifically on understanding how thin/non-existing your boundaries are and how to protect yourself. Not an easy process. I know - but it can be done.

Thank you Fatty.

It's supposed to be enjoyable - I forgot about that bit! Not enjoying it too much right now.

Thank you madmouse. I value your input, you always have such good advice and are so kind on other threads.

I do feel like I have violated myself today.

sorry mean young adult rather than young teen - was 19 the second time around.

sorry to hear that madmouse.

I feel like I have a lot going against me; the disability, the issues I have with the abuse (although I really am miles better than I was.) It's very easy when I'm having a bad day to wonder who on earth will take me on. I don't feel like that on a good day.I just want it to be simple. I want to fall in love and get married, not have to think about meeting someone who will 'take me on.'

Ohboob I think madmouse is right. Your post really made me think as I have the same kind of 'bad days', partly self esteem and partly disability too (I also get exhausted really easily and sometimes can't walk far).

I had counselling for quite a while, and while I still get bad days, they're less intense and I've become much more determined about not being 'taken on' by someone who only sees limitations in what I can and cant' do. Like you, I want someone who will support me and enjoy being with me for all of me, including the good things and the disability (I got unexpectedly stubborn about that in the end, surprised myself and counsellor!). Like madmouse said, it really does help doing the counselling. It wasn't easy, and I don't want to minimise it, but I do feel stronger for it.

I gave up internet dating until after I'd done the counselling (as if it went wrong it used to just upset me loads). When I did it again I used to tell people about the disability after few meetings, as I would have done with someone 'in real life' - some people went at that point, and I waited until I could take that and feel that while it was sad, I was genuinely better off looking for someone better. I know that sounds easy to say now, and I dont' feel that strong all the time, but this time I ended up with a few lovely people I still see now.

Am really sorry I've rambled on about me me me, op. Just wanted to share what might be similar experience(?) and say good luck to you, and I'm sure you'll find people who like you for who you are x

Thank you brabbin. It's so great to hear from someone in a similar boat. That's interesting you gave up the internet dating thing. I think it can be really good but there's a lot of bad that goes with it and so I'm going to try to take better care of myself when I go on other dates.

I've had a really good cry, had some supper, phoned a friend and I do feel a lot better.

A lot more clear headed. And I'm not beating myself up so much. We all make mistakes. I just so wanted to have feelings for him and make it ok, and I know not to do that again. I will be looking into counsellors tomorrow. I do know how much it can help, I guess it's just expensive so I've put off going for awhile.

Thank you

I'm glad you feel better :) and you're right, we certainly do all make mistakes, and can see you're learning from them (wish I did so quickly). And please don't feel you have to kiss someone, sleep with them, invite them back or whatever - if you think 'I might as well' or 'I'll do this although it's not perfect, but I wish it was' (no idea if you actually do think that, mind), then I reckon it ends up feeling worse in the long run. Could you have a couple of prepared exit strategies or lines incase you need them, is perfectly okay to do that? Then after you use them, you will feel like you kept yourself from feeling bad. Again I might be totally out of line there of course - apologies.

My doctors surgery used to do counselling, sessions of six but they sometimes extended them. Maybe that would help? Did find one in the end who was lovely and didn't mind if I only came more rarely when I was skint. Good luck again x

Exit strategies sound good. I'm thinking it's ok to say to someone 'that's enough for the first date.' I shouldn't need to say more than that. It's being brave enough to say it. It's nice to see it written down, 'don't feel you have to kiss someone'. I shouldn't, should I? That bit needs work.

I've had a better day that yesterday but I'm still very wobbly. I'm very lonely. My housemate isn't tidying up and as a result the bathroom is filthy. I won't clean it as that's what I've been doing till now so it never gets done. I'm toughing it out this time. And my carer forgot to come this morning so things elsewhere are just a mess. That makes me feel even worse. She has rescheduled for tomorrow so at least that will help.

I'm going out tomorrow night to meet some new friends because I badly need some more. The people I thought were my friends have turned out not to be. I've got to sort out the loneliness before anything else I think because otherwise I will find it hard to say no to men, just out of wanting to fill a hole. Ah well, a day at a time.

It is fine to take things slowly. At the end of the first date, just decide if you enjoyed the date and would like to see the person again. If so, say so, and if not say although it was nice to meet the person you don't want to take things any further. If you like them, you don't need to kiss them on a first date and for safety's sake they don't need to know where you live at this point. Its fine to wait for several months before sleeping with someone - after all you are looking for a relationship not for casual sex.

Think about yourself and what you want, do what is right for you. You don't owe anything to your date and a decent person wouldn't make you feel like you did. i suggest that you insist on paying your own way on a date as this will help you to feel that you don't owe a man anything.