Think I might be depressed

[Pheebe]

That's it really. Not sure why I'm posting, just to write it down I think. Not sure where to go from here though. GPs obviously. Really hard for me to admit this, I'm the 'strong' one, the 'coper', the one in the know about medical stuff. Have advised friends and family on this before but never really appreciated how overwhelming it all is.

Posting and running as we have visitors (not helping although they are lovely lovely friends). Any thoughts, advice, words of wisdom gratefully received

Pheebe - can you say a little more about your symptoms as there are many of us on here suffering (or trying to recover) from depression - I am in the latter category but still had runs of bad days when I am flat, unmotivated, tearful, anxious etc.

Obviously (as I'm sure you know) your first port of call is your GP. Mine had a list of symptoms of depression and I had to say whether I felt that sometimes, never, all the time or something like that. I am sure you know the symptoms as you know about medical stuff. There is a mental healthnurse who posts on here sometimes as she is suffering from depression. It affects 1 in 4 people (usually women) at sometime in their life and 6 at any one time.

The symptons are things like feeling flat, low mood, no motivation, low in energy, bouts of crying, lack of concentration, feeling worthless, guilty, thoughts of suicide - there are more but those are a few of them.

Hope you will make an appt with your GP tomorrow and he/she will probably prescribe meds and take it from there really. There are of course degrees of depression, and yours may be mild.

Let us know how you get on - lots of support on here, as it is only those of us who are or have suffere from this horrid illness can understand it.

Me again! sorry I have just re-read your post and you say you are ashamed, and this is most definitely a symptom of major depression. I know this as I have suffered 2 major episodes (still trying to recover from one last year) but am not struggling with small children like you are. I have been hospitalised when severely depressed (both times for 3 months) and I recall saying over and over again how ashamed I was.

Please get the help you deserve. Surely your DH must know how you feel. Is he supportive. I am sure other young mums with PND will be along soon. x

Pheebe SO SORRY that post was not meant for you but for another poster on this thread. Please ignore!

Nana, thank you so much for taking the time to post. I'm fairly sure I am depressed, probably mild but still it's awful. Tearful, anxious, panicky sometimes, unable to cope (hanging on by my fingernails), flat, guilty, persecuted and a bit paranoid. No suicial thoughts though thank goodness.

DH is being amazing, he has been gently trying to get me to see something is wrong and is encouraging me to go to the GPs. I have been recently and had blood tests done (all clear) so I don't think he will be surprised.

Had so much happen over the last couple of years, serious health issues with both my parents, a bereavement, working long hours in a fairly stressful job. The boys are alot of work but th light of my life and alot of my guilt stems from how snappy and irritated I get with them. Sooo not fair and the main reason I'm determined to get this sorted.

I can see I'll be visiting alot over the coming months, thanks again for the kind welcome

Oh Pheebe - it doesn't sound mild to me - it sounds like you are really suffering, and the guilt thing - this is one of the many tricks depression plays on us. We don't feel guilty when we habe flu or a chest infection do we. So glad you have a supportive DH (makes all the difference doesn't it) mine is very caring and patient but it does get to him at times as he feels so helpless to do anything for me when I am having what the medics call a blip.

Your description of the last 2 years sounds horrendous and all in such a short space of time - depression is usually about loss (of some sort) and I see you have had a bereavement and all the other things, it is small wonder that you are feeling the way you do. There is a book called "Depression the Curse of the Strong" by a Psych (you can get it on Amazon for about a tenner) and it might be worth you having a look at it.

When you say you went to the GP recently and your blood tests were normal, did you tell him/her about your symptoms. If not, please make an appt tomorrow and get the help you need and deserve.

Thanks again Nana. GP did ask about stress when I described some of my symptoms (mainly around tiredness and lack of energy) so I think he has a clue what's coming. I'll be making an appointment today.

The strange thing is I have days when I feel fine, tired perhaps but mood-wise, absolutely fine. Its those days that have held me back from seeking help sooner I think as I think well some days I'm OK so I must be 'allowing myself to feel down and need to just snap out of it'. If you knew me you would know how ridiculous that was. I KNOW how depression works (have worked in the psych area for many years) and yet when it's about me I can't seem to see clearly.

I'll order the book you mention. Thank you Nana I already feel like I'm taking positive steps

Hi Pheebe - is it a case of the "cobbler's wife goes purely shod" (very old fashioned saying)So glad you are making an appt today. I have been trying to recover since being discharged from a 3 month stay in hospital last July - I can go for 2/3 weeks and be fine and then -wham- I am having another blip or setback or whatever.

It is strange isn't it that you are so knowledgeable in the psych area for many years but can't see it clearly for yourself. I suspect this is another trick that this horrid illness plays on us.

I was a social worker and tmmgr for 30 years and since my retirement in 2004 I have worked independently but had to retire due to this last episode, but it was time anyway as I am 67. I can hardly believe that I functioned as a competent professional for so long and that now I am a mess. Though like you, when I am ok it can last for 2, 3 or even 4 weeks and I am fine - like my old self. This is onedeceitful illness.

I am on imipramine 150 mg (GP didn't want to prescribe it - but one of new SSRIs instead) but I had a severe episode of depression (first one) following the sudden death of my closest and dearest friend. Was in hosp for 3 months again and on imipramine and made a fullrecovery and was back at work a month, so wanted imipramine again. This time it is so different.

There is another old saying "when copers fall they crash" - ah well enough of my old sayings. Be interested to hear how you get on with the GP.

Nana you really are a lovely lovely person. I have had a 'good' weekend and had almost convinced myself I don't really need to see my GP again. But your thoughful post combined with my bursting into tears this morning because DS2 didn't want to go to nursery for a few hours today suggests otherwise.

I have an appointment for next week.

Oh Pheebe - if someone says something nice about me it makes me cry! Glad you have had a good weekend and it maybe that you will not need meds but it is best (as I'm sure you know and will not doubt have told many many others)to see the GP. I know (as you do) that anxiety and depression are very closely linked and maybe your distress at your little boy this morning was more anxiety?

I had a good day on Sat and cleaned the house more or less from top to bottom. However had the day from hell yesterday (worse one I can recall for ages) and gave in and stayed under the duvet for much of the day. Not good I know. I did manage a 10 minute walk to see my close friend about 6.00 and 2 hours on her sofa was very restorative. I am so lucky to have a supportive DP and 4 really close women friends. Sightly better today and managed another walk and some ironing.

Here's hoping that your week is good or at least reasonable. All my grandchildren have gone (with their parents of course) to see the new musical in London WICKED, it was my Christmas present to them all and I keep getting text photos of them in London today, making me tearful again!

Speak soon x

Nana Nina (sorry to hijack your thread Pheebe) - sorry to hear youve had a few bad days. As weve said before - these blips are so horrible. Good for you though still going out for a walk etc. what a lovely present for your family :-)

Pheebe- that book nananina recommended 'Curseof the strong' is very good. x

Pheebe

I hope you have taken the good advice and seen your GP. If you look for my post of a couple of weeks ago it is almost identical in lots of way, being "strong" and a "coper" and holding on outside while falling apart inside. It is nothing to be ashamed of, I have to say I feel so much better since I opened up on here and have been to my GP. Do get help, it is nothing to be ashamed of, you are ill and need help.

I hope Nana Nina is on commission on the "course of the strong", I bought it on her recommendation and it is very good.

Nana - sorry you've had a bad few days, stay under the duvet when you need to. And go and see wicked youself when you can, it's really good!

Hi Kizzie - know we've talked about the blips before on here before. It's the unpredictability of it all that makes it so much worse. I cango to bed feeling fine and wake up feeling shite, as you know, because I know you suffer from blips. The cons psych due to visit me next month (think to discharge me) so I will ask him if he thinks upping meds or anything else could help. Don't hold out much hope but might as well take the opportunity while he is here. I really don't like him - he has the social skills of a slug and to make it worse he intimidates me. This upsets me because in my real life (before this 2nd episode desended on me) I was never intimidated by anyone. Ah well maybe one day - one day this will all end.

Warm wishes Kizzie and Pheebe xx

BoredComm....no I'm not on commission for that book! I found that book helpful but the psych who wrote it (always forget his name) makes it clear that he is writing from the perspective of depression being caused by stress......and I know this isn't the case for me, so it doesn't altogether hit the spot, though I found the chapter on recovery and the ups and downs useful.

Another very useful book is "Malignant Sadness" by Louis Wolpert. He is a biochemist who has suffered severe depression and in his first chapter he says "before I suffered this terrible illness I was of the "pull your socks up" school of psychiatry. It's useful because he makes an attempt to unravel all the differing theories about depression and whether meds work or counselling works or whether tests have shown that people on placebos get better at almost the same rate as people on meds.

One of the Drs in hospital told me (nicely) that I had read too much and most people didn't do this, and it was maybe not always the wisest thing. Well he was probably right in the sense that when you know that the medics know so little about the brain and its malfunctions and why ADs work and how ECT works etc, it does leave those of us suffering in a no-mans land.

Pretty sure you can get this on Amazon too - I'll go have a look.

nana nina - i hope the appointment with consultant goes ok - do let us know. Considering the issue they are dealing with I think some psychiatrists have the most appalling people skills .

Take care x

Hi Kizzie - Had letter today to say Conslt coming between 9 and 12 on Monday. CPN coming on Friday this week. Had another ghastly morning and stayed underthe duvet till early afternoon. 4.30 and feel a bit better after crying on DPs shoulder and my lovely friend also came and she always has a calming effect on me. Going to fore myself out for a walk. Getting anxious and crying is all so draining isn't it, so hope walk will help. The book "Malignant Sadness" is on Amazon but didn't notice how much it was.

Even my lovely GP says this conslt has "no interpersonal skills whatsoever" and the nurses in the hospital were all afraid of him to a greater or lesser extent and none of them dared speak in the review meetings. He was on holiday for a couple of week and another psych (not a conslt) chaired the review and the whole tenor was completely different, people feeling free to contribute and me feeling so much more comfortable.

I think it is only in the last 10 years that psychology has been introduced into the psychiatrist training........and this one has certainly been around a long time - he drives a caramel colour shiney Jag and wears posh suits! Irrelevant I know!

How are you doing Phoeebe?

Ahh nana, sorry you're feeling so rough at the moment.

Things have been a little odd for me. I'm feeling flat, calm, almost peaceful and a bit detached. Not really unpleasant, better than the constant anxiety and agitation anyway. I think perhaps admitting something is up has released me a little, like I've stopped fighting. I may well be babbling. Anyway, I have an appointment on Monday with my GP and have asked DH to come with me. He has noticed 'I'm worse' and I'm sure other family members have too as we've spent alot of time with them the last couple of days. I just feel so detached, very odd.

Pheebe

I know what you mean about the flat feeling, admitting you have an issue and starting to get help did that to me.

Nana - hope you have a good day soon

Thanks BC - another awful morning - but improving now as day goes by but takes me till evening to feel vaguely human. Here's hoping for this blip to end.............