Can i just get this out because the guilt is killing me

[Memoo]

And I'm really hoping that I'm not the only one to do irrational things when ill.

When I was really poorly I did some crazy things.

I made a little nest of blankets between the wall and the bed and hid the baby there because I was convinced somebody was coming to steal her.

I nearly left her in the changing room of Debenhams, I had a moment where I thought I could just walk away from her and it would be like nothing had happened.

I took her to A&E and lied saying she'd had a convulsion when really I was so sure that somebody was coming to get us and I thought we'd be safe there.

There are a few smaller things too but those are the main ones, The ones that keep me awake at night with guilt.

I just need to tell somebody, I'm hoping that getting it out will help me come to terms with it.

Theres so much more to all this than getting better isn't there? There is all the aftermath to with too.

Memoo, you have been through an awfully tough time and are very brave to post something like this. I do hope you are getting the help you need.

FWIW I have thought about leaving mine but haven't as DH would not be happy with me.

Memoo you have mentioned before about the little nest of blankets where you hid your baby and every time I read it I hear the tenderness - even though you were very ill you were very loving and protective towards your baby and baby has come to no harm. Keep talking about it - it will eventually have a place of its own, but try not to feel too guilty...

I think my Dh would be a little cross too if I left her somewhere

MM, I'm so glad that it comes across how much I love her. Even when I have been at rock bottom I have always adored her. She is my whole world.

I feel so bad for lying to the doctors. I'm sure they could tell too. God, A&E staff are so over worked and I went in and took up loads of their time for no reason, how selfish is that!

But you kept you and your baby safe which is the most important thing you could do.

I did some pretty irrational things when I was ill too memoo. I drank excessive amounts of water and made my brain swell so much that I went into a temporary coma.

I was also uncooperative with the inpatient staff, I urinated on the floor of my room several times. This is so not like the real me normally I am falling over myself to be polite, and I cringe when I think how I behaved back then. I felt very guilty too. The illness does strange things to us and makes us into something we are not.

The good thing is you can see these things in retrospect now, and are so much better.

Keep on keeping on.

Getdown, you have been through so much see when I read the things you have done I don't think 'god that's awful' I just think that you were ill and weren't able to help it. It helps to think that, because it makes me realise that's how others will think of me.

ItsOnlyAJob, I am seeing a psychiatrist although that's only once a month. Still see my CPN every week too. I have been referred for another type of counselling too but I can't remember the name of it its not CBT though.

You give yourself a really hard time Memoo. You were seriously ill yet you always acted in the interests of your baby. Don't feel guilt about your actions.

And going to A&E when you were ill is very understandable. OK you went because of 1 reason but told them another reason you were there... Both reasons have a common factor - you needed help. They see plenty of people who invent weird and wonderful things of many varied reasons You went cos' you felt in danger and you'd be safe there. Top reason. Even if you walked in today and 'confessed' the total truth - they'd get it, they'd understand. They'd be pleased you trusted them to be a safe haven.

About 5 yrs ago I had a Summer of not functioning due to a medical condition and the meds caused a big reaction. I lost my mind. I can recall one weekend hiding behind the settee and putting my 1 yr old in his buggy and strapping him in because I thought if I went upstairs
someone would throw us out of the window. I still catch my breathe with the fear I could feel.

Keep taking little steps forward. I promise you things get so much better and even going backwards gets bearable...