I feel like I'm in a hole I can't get out of. (Long)

[Yukana]

Hello there, fairly new to Mumsnet, pregnant and due August 10th. I'm 18 years old, this baby is very much wanted and I have a wonderful partner. I live with my mother currently and am hoping to move out within the year.

I have depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, an eating disorder and paranoia which means I can't be left alone for anything more than a few hours.

My depression is getting me down constantly, I've never taken medication for it, never been offered medication for it - despite the fact I've been seeing a psychologist since I was six years old, and it affects me heavily. To be honest though, if I had the option of being on medication or not, I'd say 'not'.
I've had family therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists, CPNs and a load of CBT, nothing has really helped me. If anything, my partner, my mother and my close friends have helped me more than they ever have.
I don't know what to do though, I'm sat here feeling bloody awful - I don't want to get out of bed, I want to smash something because I feel so horrible.
I cry randomly - my partner had to cancel a temporary job a few days ago as I was crying in his arms unable to take the crap feeling.

Anxiety? I was in hospital last year due to having a 2-3 hour panic attack that would not stop. After that, I had three more panic attacks within a two week period and then random ones since then. I've had anxiety for a long time it seems, I get nervous and uncomfortable around people I don't know or am not particularly close with, I get cold sweats/clammy, stomach aches, shake sometimes, nauseous etc. I get nightmares when stress is put upon me, sometimes as bad as almost every day a week. Part of why I can't work is due to this, I tried working last year but ended up having a panic attack, almost throwing up and being sent home. I don't feel ready to work.

My paranoia... well, that's what I call it. In the day sometimes, but mainly at night - if I'm alone I start seeing or hearing things. I get incredibly frightened and need someone with me. Since my partner started living with me though, this has settled down dramastically - as one of the ways to get it to go away is if someone is in the same room with me. It's no use if someone is sleeping in the same house, it has to be in the same room.

The eating disorder... I had COE (Compulsive Overeating disorder) and NES (Night-eating syndrome) until I was about 11/12, and then it changed. After being bullied since the age of four about my appearance and weight, being abused, and then finally some comments from my grandfather and uncle about me being 'fat' - a new eating disorder started. It used to be a mix of restricting my food intake/starving and throwing up - with small cycles of binge eating inbetween, now it's gotten quite a bit better, but I still don't eat much, I'm not counting my calories anymore - nevertheless my stomach is quite small.

I'm pregnant, overjoyed about it and worried about miscarriage more than I should be, I've tried my best to eat what I can to help this baby, I've taken supplements, and gone from vegan to vegetarian to help. But I get horribly depressed, I don't feel like doing anything, I don't feel like cooking or cleaning or even getting out of bed most days. I don't go outside usually due to the agoraphobia - I feel like everyone is watching me, I'm paranoid that the people close to me (friends etc) actually hate me/are annoyed by me but don't say anything, and I hate my figure. Financially we're not in the best of places, either - which causes me stress and worry.

My CPN and general nurse (I think he was, anyway) stopped seeing me late last year because I wouldn't go to an appointment in the city half an hour away. I usually get home visits from them, my doctor, and anyone else who wishes to see me.

Sorry for the horribly long post.. Mainly this is a rant on how shit I feel, and how pathetic I think I am. I put way too much on my mother and partner, but they love me so much all the same. I love them too, I couldn't bear to be without them both. I just wish I could be more motivated and get myself out of this horrid depressing life, and make myself a new one, where I'm still myself but able to help them better.

Firstly, as indeed, where to start, other than asking you to tell me what you remember about your life up to the age of six (!), the most useful thing you could probably do right now is get some sound nutritional advice. If you've a history of not eating well, it could be that you are lacking in certain vitamins and minerals, which actually can make the depression etc. worse. This is especially important as you are pregnant! Eating really well doesn't necessarily mean putting on weight (but really, you are pregnant!) - there are so many good nutrients in brocolli and kale etc. I know you've seen a lot of people about these issues, but I think a nutritionist would be a good idea right now!!

Hi, have you met your midwife and let her know your background? That might help you get back access to a cpn/care co-ordinator from the cmht. Your midwife could also refer you to a perinatal psychiatrist at your hospital so that might be a source of help for you regarding nutrition and support regarding and necessary hospital appointments for the baby (like going for scans etc).

I really think you should talk frankly to a midwife. Phone up your practice and ask if there are any midwives who are trained to deal specifically with mums-to-be with mental health issues. Don't be ashamed. You need more support than you are getting.

A nutrionist has been suggested a few times, I may take someone up on it eventually but at the moment I feel a bit odd about having someone tell me what to eat? Most of the time being 15 weeks pregnant and everything - I go off food faster than I eat it! I've managed to eat more vegetables lately though, I usually love them but putting something with them can be difficult!
I do however, have a vegan site with lots of amazing recipes that I might consult for some nutritional stuff. I'm so-so when it comes to open-mindedness with food. I used to be a very fussy eater but have gotten better.

As for life up to when I was six? Bullied a lot, had maybe four friends in that entire time, my mother is single and I've never lived with my father (he doesn't care about me, and frankly I am more than happy to call him a t**t).

Reason for switching to vegetarianism and supplements was because I want to try to eat better for the baby. The reason why I haven't even dared with supplements before was of the silly idea that all supplements/medication/pills had calories and I should stay away from them. It still makes me nervous at times, and I have a habit of checking the nutritional information on everything, but it's certainly better.

I've made an appointment with my doctor which is on the 25th of February, though I'm not really sure what to talk to her about. I wouldn't know where to begin and what help to ask for.

I talked to my midwife about my depression and such today, couldn't get myself to talk about the eating but did ask if there was anything I could do in particular as I think I may have a minor cold. Got to hear the baby's heartbeat and it put me at ease to know the baby is live and kicking in there.

She didn't really give me any advice, but is trying to set up something for me for young mothers around my age, as I feel isolated and rather lonely. I don't have any friends really, unless you count abroad/in Manchester, so it can get pretty lonely.

Hi, Yukana, if you don't tell the midwife your real history - that you had a cpn but lost the services becuase you couldn't get to the appointment as it was 30mins away then they will not be able to give you any advice. I would really recommend you tell your midwife about your eating disorders, your history with the mental health services etc so that she can advise you on the right people to see.

Each gp practice should have access to a dietician, could you ask your gp for a referral to them and perhaps to write to your midwife to explain any extra help you may need?

I'm sure you're aware, of course, (I myself am vegetarian), that B12 deficiency and iron deficiency anaemia are more likely with a vegetarian/ vegan diet, even the best one with loads of good things in it...B12 deficiency causes mood swings, paranoia, listlessness, lack of appetite, exhaustion, and iron deficiency causes weakness as well as depression. I'm only picking up on these two in particular as I have needed extra supplementation myself. You know Marmite has B12 in it, if you can stand it! Other deficiencies to think over include B1- depression, irritability, anxiety, loss of appetite; B3- anxiety, slowness; B5- fatigue, depression ; potassium - depression, tearfulness, weakness, fatigue. Perhaps your cravings will indicate what it is that your body needs. Be careful not to take too many supplements on the other hand as you don't want to overdo ones that you're not deficient in!! Listen to your own body. You CAN sort this out! Perhaps the midwife/GP can do tests to see if there's a problem with any of these things. Always best to get professional advice. There's a lot of help out there.

Hello all, sorry for the very late reply, I didn't know what to post here.

I have told my midwife and a lady named Sarah who works at a children's center that I'm trying to arrange having another psychologist or mental health professional.

I've been trying to eat more fruit and vegetables and to eat healthier than I did at the start of my pregnancy - which has been going well so far. I also still take my folic acid and iron tablets.

I had a doctor's appointment today which I couldn't go to due to a head cold - I was feeling really awful and in pain, and I'm still feeling yucky but slightly better.
My mother went in my stead, and my doctor, who I usually see about once a year and knows little to nothing about the details of my mental health and how I deal with things or even how I've been progressing, is going to talk to the social services about me. I'm furious, frightened, and will lose all trust in her if she does this.
I'm still mildly in shock that she even mentioned it, and have had more nightmares than usual due to stress so this probably won't help.

I really feel for you Yukana.

I don't have any magic words that will make it better (how I wish that I did!) but I can say that as a result of the bullying and other crap things that happened to you, your self esteem and view of yourself is shot to shit and that is triggering your eating disorders, anxiety and depression.

If you can realise that you feel so shit about yourself because of your illness and other people who have hurt you, and not because you are rubbish, useless and all the other things I bet you say to yourself. It really isn't true, I should know, I have spent most of my life believing I was shit, now I realise that it just isn't true.

If you understand that and look at ways of making yourself feel positive about yourself, your symptoms will improve and eventually fade away. I understand that 'feeling positive about yourself' probably sound stupid and the very idea will make you feel uncomfortable.

Remember that:
You are coping wonderfully with your pregnancy, and at a very young age. You are thinking about your babies health even before that baby is born - some mums aren't that loving and caring.

You are brave enough to keep on looking for solutions for your problems. This shows that you are strong and want to change. Plenty of people never both to look at themselves and would never think about changing. This shows that you are thoughtful and self aware.

You are concerned about the welfare of the people you love, and are worried about the effect of your illnes on them. Many people who suffer like you just aren't able to do that - to think about others instead of just what they are going through.

You sound lovely, and if you were my daughter I would be very proud of you for battling, so hard, for so long, and to still be loving, caring, and fighting for a better life for yourself and your baby.

Just my thoughts but I hope they help. It's hard work but if you can 're-train' your brain, and learn ways of loving yourself and liking yourself, it's worth it. 'Be your own best friend' is some of the best advice I've ever been given.

And don't be afraid to change your doctor if they aren't understanding you and are causing you more distress.

I have read this thread and was really moved but felt totally inadequate to know what to say or advise, but I think nemofucker has said exactly what I was thinking but wasn't articulate enough to say. You sound like a lovley young person, thoughtful and caring. I have battled with mental health problems in the past and I know how bloody tough it can be but as Nemo said you seem very self aware and that is half the battle.
I really hope you find the help and support you deserve.

Hi Yukana. I just wanted to wish you all the best, being 18 years old can be very hard anyway, and you have a lot of stress too.

On a practical level, when I was very depressed, anxious, eating disorder etc, the best thing for me was to write out at least ten sayings (positive affirmations) and say them out loud three times every day. Things I wrote were "I am feeling good about myself", "Today is a good day and I feel calm and relaxed", "I look after my body and treat myself with respect" etc.

You would have to tailor your affirmations by thinking about the things you fear most, whether it is the panic attacks or the birth or whatever it is, and write a positive sentence in the present tense.

I know that when I started to say them, my mind was constantly saying that it was rubbish, and I was a horrid person, that it didn't sound like me, but actually it doesn't matter because my subconscious did hear it. And my mood started to improve quite quickly.

The reason I am saying all this is because if you think about it, all of your problems are to do with fear. Facing the fear is actually the best way to get rid of it or reduce it. Fear is incredibly strong and can take over. But it is just a feeling. And you can think calmly your way out of it.

I really hope this helps.

Yukana - please don't worry about social services. I am a retired sw/mgr and have 30 years experience in childrens services. Social Services will want to support you NOT want to take your baby away. As others have said, you are caring about the baby before he/she is born. So long as your baby is safe and properly cared for they will not intervene. Believe me they are not looking for work as they are so overloaded. Sometimes GPs just refer to SSD to "pass the buck" so that they don't have to deal with the patient. You have your mum and partner to help you care for the baby and that will be fine. So please don't worry. I know a lot of people think all soc workers do is remove babies, this is far from the truth. They are under a duty to offer you support and this they should do if indeed they are involved. I would be surprised if they were, given your family support.

nemofucker-
Thank you for the kind words. I actually hadn't thought of some of the things you said, I just want to be nice to people, and look after this baby.

strawberry-
Like I mentioned to nemo, thank you. I'm hoping I'll be able to get a supportive psychologist soon, my doctor is usually lovely but I still don't feel I can speak to her about my mental problems.

midnightblues-
Thank you for the suggestion, I'll definitely bear it in mind. I received a diary at christmas from a family friend so I'm sure I can put it to use!

NanaNina-
I've worked with the social services before when I was abused, but they weren't very helpful. Then again, looking at it from a different point of view - I was just a child and living in the middle of a city at that time. I
am hoping the doctor won't say anything to the social services, as I really want to be able to learn to care for and about my baby by myself, plus like you have mentioned - I have plenty of support from every generation of my family, which I was very touched that they cared so much. Plus, I think the support would be better for other families who are in much more need than I, and for those who have less support.