My doctor recommends Citalopram but I can't help thinking I just need to do more running...

[RunningUphill]

I am depressed. My glorious career went to sh*t last year, my eldest child has been diagnosed with autism, my husband works long hours and I find it hard with work and childcare to get out of the house to breathe/meet people/get some perspective. I'm either furious or in floods of tears or grimly stomping on the treadmill in our front room to try and tire myself out so I can stop thinking.
My doctor says I'm depressed and need counselling and Citalopram. I'm wary of the chemicals and side effects of the latter my knee-jerk reaction is to that I just need more fresh air! but at this point I can't figure out how the hell else to get better. Am very bored of being only able to think about how pointless and crap I am.
Has anyone else been here or got suggestions? I'd be very grateful.

BadGrammar I have had no time off - due to the fact I was at my worst after maternity leave. Work was part of the problem but being off would have made it worse.

no time off here as feel worse sitting round the house. work has suffered a bit as I'm definitley not on top of my game and am noticeably less enthusiastic, but I'm hoping if I keep going I'll get back on form.
I find it hard to get motivated about some of the projects I'm working on and also hard to stay focussed in meetings. haven't told them in work I'm on aDs though.

My boss has been very supportive as I have explained how i am feeling. Have had a week off work, but the ADs don't seem to have kicked in yet. Meant to be back in later this week. Part of me thinks that the best thing would be for mw just to get on with it, but the other part of me thinks that it will just make me more anxious. I don't know what to do!

its hard whatever you do, but for me sitting at home moping would be worse. here, i have things to do (like be on MN when I should be working!), so it stops me dwelling on things. Mundane taskd are easy but the trickier things are a challenge as I'm not as good as I should be right now.

IHBG: I completely understand your concern and mixed feelings about work. I also feel like I need to be there and keeping a routine going so that it doesn't become a big deal when I do go back, and I'm also very conscious of the dangers of 'moping around' if I do stay at home.

That said, I'm not sure how helpful it is to fret that you should 'get on with it' -- I told myself this for weeks and weeks and only ended up making myself feel even worse about myself when I couldn't. You shouldn't feel like you have to keep your chin up and deal with everything on your own.

I came up with a solution that gave me a bit of time to myself and some very structured days of activities that made me feel like I was doing something to help myself get better (counselling, exercise, sleep, and the occasional treat) that didn't give me long enough to fret/mope, followed by a return to work on fewer days for a while so that I could adjust.

Perhaps you could talk to your GP for advice? Do you have a good human resources or occupational health contact at work? Can you talk to your boss again?

running how is the medication going now? My GP signed me off work for another fortnight - she said i was too fragile to be working even though i thought I would be ok.
Am going to keep myself busy at home (house is a tip1) plus some exercise and fresh air every day. School runs will be my push for the morning when I feel rubbish so it will make me get on and do something.

Hope you don't mind me joining in? I'm interested in the discussion about time off work. I have been suffering for anxiety for as long as I can remember and on and off meds for 12 years. I am currently switching from citalopram to trazodone and feel absolutely dreadful. I know I shouldn't be at work cause I'm not doing myself (or anyone else) any good. Trouble is the thought of anybody at work knowing that I'm not wonderwoman really feeds into my anxiety. I find myself hoping that a twinge in my stomach is appendicitis or a pain in my chest is a heart attack and found myself wondering how best to throw myself down the stairs to break my leg. I wouldn't worry so much about being off if I was 'really' ill. Anyone else feel the same?

IHBG: the side-effects of the medication are largely gone, though it hasn't kicked in yet. had a rotten night and feeling very blue this morning. cbt this week was really hard work, and left me feeling very overwhelmed. but it's all progress i guess.

moody: sounds to me like you are really ill. the level of anxiety you're suffering is as debilitating as having a broken leg. it's a huge step to admit to yourself that you can't keep up the facade at work (and sometimes keeping up the facade at work is the routine that keeps you going/getting out of bed) -- i sympathise hugely.

I'm coming off citolopram at the moment - one pill every other day - it's only 10mg so the smallest amount, but it's made a real difference to my every day life. They take the edge off, enabling me to deal with situations without screaming at the children, getting anxious etc. I think my children and I know my husband has noticed a big differance.

I'm only trying to come off them as I don't really like being dependent on drugs and I have to pay for them.

However, I realise that it's a chemical embalance, tell everyone who'll listen about my 'happy pills' (as I belive there must be loads of fellow mums suffering in silence), and if I need to go back on them so be it.

I did feel sleepy when I started taking them, but when they start to kick in, the clouds just disappear. Good luck with everything - you'll get through it x

Only my DH and mum know I am on AD as i don't want the label even though there shouldn't be one. I really know I wasn't ready to return to work as all those anxious overwhelming feeklings returned. When signed off for longer I was immediately much calmer. However, I know in some ways this isn't coping with 'real' life as work is part of it. One step at a time though...
Moodyblue, I am completely with you about twinges as well. I do worry what poeple at wotk will say when I return as I am in a management role and would hate it if people saw through my facade.

Meant to ask how do you go about getting CBT? Asked my GP but she said there are weeks of waiting lists first?

You have to be referred by GP and either wait for NHS or you can go private if you have healthcare.
I have healthcare through work so have been lucky as only had to wait a week or so.

Running - your response made me cry because that's the first time I've felt that anyone understands/believes what I'm going through. I do know that I need some time off work but I work in a further education and have fixed term contracts from September to June. Because I have all summer off, I feel that I should be able to cope (I hate that word) the rest of the time. Also I worry that my sickness record will be taken into account when they decide whether to give me another contract in September.
IHBG, you've hit the name on the head with the 'seeing through the facade' thing

moody, what does your doctor say about time off/counselling?

She just does a lopsided, sympathetic smile whenever I explain about my concern that the meds will impair my ability to work. She hasn't mentioned time off but has referred me for counselling. I have initial assessment next Wednesday but there is apparently a 6mth wait in this area for one-to-one sessions, although there may be the option to access group workshops and courses before that. I'm not hopeful ab out counselling really. I have had two years of psychotherapy previously and while it was helpful at the time it hasn't got rid of the problem. If you don't mind me asking, are you paying privately for CBT? You seem to have got started quickly

i'm getting CBT via work healthcare scheme, so i'm very lucky. that said i also got a call yesterday from nhs counsellor 4 weeks after referral so it didn't take that long (i'm not using the nhs counsellor)
i'm a big fan of counselling. have done it twice before to deal with v specific issues and it helped a lot, so try to stay positive and if you can get onto workshops and courses while you wait i'd say go for it.

Running, how are you doing now? Are you managing to run? Do you think the medication has helped?

this thread is so helpful...can I share...I've got Parkinson's, two small children, a 'high powered' job 4 days a week and a increasingly aged MIL. My father died 4w after DS2 was born last year and I've had a nightmare at work when I came back from ML ending up in my moving roles completely. I am now finding it hard to cope with stressful situations, worry about all the things that need doing and start crying very easily. My PD consultant has prescribed 30mg of Citalopram but I am reluctant. He only saw me for 5 mins before whipping the prescription pad out. I worry about side effects and withdrawal and whether I'll 'lose' myself. you all seem to have different experiences but do you think its unreasonable to at least try drug free options first? I've made an appt to see my GP in the meantime but what do you think? I have health insurance thru work so counselling might be an idea? Thanks. Running i hope you're doing ok.

bump

Well ultimately you have to make the decision, from my experience, medication got me out of a massive hole which I think I would have really struggled to get out of otherwise, it can get you onto an even keel so that you can then explore other options and try and sort you life out. I did then have years of problems withdrawing off the medication and suffering side effects before I at last found out the correct way to withdraw after 10 years or so of trying. Not everyone has problems with side effects and withdrawal though. Maybe I was one of the unlucky ones.
It sounds like you a huge lot on your plate, is there anything you can change to take pressure off yourself??
Sorry not a lot of help really but didn't want to leave you unanswered.

Thanks for answering! I'm trying to reduce my commitments so as to lighten the load.I must admit that when u write it down it looks a lot.

I just resigned from some voluntary work I was doing which i know was sensible but i will miss it. I'm also trying to get outside walking each day.

I'm not sure I'm in a hole yet, more looking over the edge and teetering. I just don't want to fall. I don't want my DCs to suffer because I'm down and/ or not coping. Parkinsons has a high rate of depression linked to it but i don't want to assume meds are the way to go - I've got enough of those already!

Hello

IHBG, how are you doing?
Moomin, I'm so sorry to hear how upset you are. I can't believe how much you're juggling.

I'm doing better. I don't know whether the drugs have kicked in yet, or whether just the fact that I feel I'm doing something about it is helping, but I've had a couple of really good days this week, feeling very positive and calm. The CBT counselling is really good too. My counsellor is very practical and supportive and while he's a good listener he doesn't let me get away with wallowing but constantly challenges my negative perceptions. I feel exhausted and often very blue the day after my sessions with him but I understand that is normal and overall I feel that he is helping me.

The fact that work have arranged for me to go to a three-day week on stress leave has made a massive massive difference. Now I have time for myself. I never had any before. Ever. And it's a huge relief to feel that it's ok to spend a day a week on myself. I run three times a week either outside or in the gym -- but not in the house or on that bloody treadmill. I can do this now because I've got a day to myself, and because with a bit of distance and calm reflection and discussion with my other half I have very firmly set aside two more sessions that my husband knows are vital 'me time' so he has made room in his work diary to cover.

Another revelation was when a colleague at work, who has known me for years, told me I should take my time and spend six months getting better instead of stressing about doing it NOW and moving onto the next career-defining challenge. I'm so used to pushing myself and juggling countless tasks and coping for everyone that I was already setting myself a deadline of end-April to be sorted out. Looking back that just seems so ridiculous. For the first time in my life I have no idea what's next, and I'm learning to find it liberating instead of terrifying.

... famous last words.

Today is awful, awful, awful. I just want to climb into bed and hide there. Feel like a useless waste of space.

Poor you running. I did that last week, felt great for a couple of days, felt really pleased with myself, then came crashing down with a huge bump which went on for a few days. I'm looking forward to the time when i have more good days than bad.
Did you go to bed today? Some days I have really really wanted to do that, but between DH and my mum have forced myself not to, and felt better for doing it (although giving them lots of grief in between for being 'horrible' to me). I am still off work as well, and still waiting for any cbt appointments to come through - I guess it depends where you liove as to how long you have to wait for one!
moom how are you doing now?

Running, I have had the same. GP & counsellor both said that's normal. And said not to put pressure on myself when it happens as "normal" people (my words) have down days too.
Glad to hear that you are getting some time to yourself.