I hate myself and I hate depression

[DogsAreLessTrouble]

I don't really know where to start, I guess I'm just having a bad weekend or something but I need to get a few things off my chest, apologies for anyone reading!
I've had PND for pretty much all of DD's life (14 months) I failed to breastfeed beyond a few weeks, and spent all the time up to six months feeding her in private incase I was judged by strangers. That in itself is ridiculous I know.
My bosses at work dragged me over the coals for something flippant I'd said to a collegue whilst on maternity leave (a joke about our workplace, meant as light hearted but was overheard, reported, and made an example of).
I left and got a new job, they are very nice to me, but I hate the work. I was off with PND for several months, had to go back as I couldn't afford to be off any longer. Everyone thinks I'm better and IM NOT.
I get so bored spending time with DD. She knows this, and much prefers her daddy's company. She smiles when he comes in, cries when he leaves. Never giggles for me, only him. She's very whingey (sp?) and not the easiest child in the world. She still doesn't sleep through the night, I do most of the night wakings (I work a lot fewer hours than DH so it's only fair)
I can't talk to DH about it, he trys hard but doesn't really understand. He gets frustrated, can't see why I'm not happy (I don't even know myself why I'm not). He goes all silent when I tell him I'm having a bad day, says 'You know this affects me too when you're down', makes me feel guilty for the way I feel.
I'm rubbish at my job, my employers say I'm good but I'm not, I WILL make a mistake because I'm not good enough, I WILL loose my job and it will be all my fault. I can't get a new job, no one will have me because of my sickness (believe me, I've tried)
I'm as fat as can be, about 3.5 stone overweight, trying to diet but not loosing the weight.
My HV was very supportive to begin with, a real star, but then she went off on the sick herself for a few weeks following an op, and since she's come back she's never rung me to see how I am, I feel totally rejected. I rang her a bout DD's immunisations and she barely asked how I was doing.
I'm so sorry, I don't know what I want, I'm probs just hormonal but needed to get the words out and have a cry.

Hi,

I read your post and whilst I myself have not suffered with PND, I have several friends who suffer and are suffering with depression. You need to know that you are not alone and that there are many others out there who feel exactly the same as you do.

Do not feel bad or ashamed for the way you are feeling, you can't help the way you feel. There is help out there for you, i am only surprised that your health visitor has not pointed you in the right direction.

I need to say a few things, because I feel you need someone else's perspective. First of all work is work, it is a means to an end and that is all. You say your employers say you are good at your job. Chances are if they say you are geed then you are good!! Trust me generally employers will not pay you a compliment for no reason. Accept the compliment you are goos at your job.

Are you really overweight, or is the fact that you are feeling down, giving you a poor self image? If it is a case that you want to lose weight, then worry about feeling better in yourself first before you go down that road. None of us are superwoman, despite that some try to make out they are.

As for spending time with your daughter, have you tried taking her to some groups/activities, where you would have a chance to meet some other mums, while she plays. And despite what you feel, your DD loves you just as much as her dad.

I know its probably the last thing you want to do at the moment, but sometimes a little exercise can help boost the happy hormones in your body. Perhaps taking little one for a walk to a local park or something.

However, I do think that you need to rely on support for others. Why not make an appointment with your doctor and demand some help. Admission is the first step to recovery, so you are already on your way.

If you can try and act how you want to feel, I know this may sound daft, but the more you act the way you want to be, eventually the behaviour follows. I have tried this with many of my friends, even had them looking in the mirror each morning and proclaiming " I am a strong, positive and attractive woman" - after a couple of weeks they noticed a difference.

I am not saying that this will work for you, but it is a tactic that has worked for others.

I also found a website, that I think might be beneficial for you, as the founders have suffered from PND, there is also a freephone support line

www.pndsupport.co.uk/index.htm

I hope some of this has helped xx

Thank you for responding. I was having a really bad day yesterday, fortunatley not so bad today. I did have regular contact with my GP, I think I need to go back again.
I took DD to toddler group this morning, I find it a little hard, as I get shy with other mums, but I recognise it's better than not going! I've also bought a bike seat for my DD today so we are going to go out and get some exercise!

Good for your Dogslesstrouble - I am not a young mum with PND but a grandmother still trying to recover from a severe episode of depression. Think you are getting great advice on here.

Nabsmac - I found your sentence about trying to act the way you want to feel very interesting, and that the more you do this the behaviour follows. Sounds like CBT but whether it is or not I have never heard it put like this before (and I think I have read everything I can about depression and recovery and have a wonderful CPN who is doing CBT with me) I am definitely going to try it. Thanks for this.