'empty chair'

[ThistleDoNicely]

I've been working with a counsellor for a few weeks. He mentioned yesterday that next week he wants me to try the 'empty chair' tequnique. Basically I'm supposed to talk to my younger self in a bid to forgive myself for being sexually abused as a child, which I carry a lot of guilt and blame for and my counsellor says I need to let go of in order to move on.

I've researched it but still think I will feel silly (though I had to do a task choosing different stones to represent various important people in my life and although I found it a bit silly at first found it actually really helped). I'm actually really stressing about it already because for half my life I've believed that I allowed terrible things to be done to me and as much as I get angry with the dirty old men who hurt me, I can't see myself as entirely innocent because I wasn't physically forced/raped (arguments about grooming/statutory rape etc aside). I don't forgive myself because I have let it affect me negatively for so many years and I don't feel that I have done anything to earn forgiveness, but I know I have to work out how to reconcile things.

Just wondering if anyone has any experience of this? Do you think it could be helpful?

I don't have experience with the empty chair - I do have experience with forgiving little me for being abused, having touched him, having done sexual things to protect myself from worse - to name but a few things.

I think I would struggle with that empty chair - make me feel very self-conscious. For me it happened gradually in talking therapy and as a result of friends/loved ones saying over and over again that it was not my fault, it couln't be my fault, I was only 8, he was a big man etc. It sunk in gradually and now I don't blame myself a lot less. Still have odd things like really disliking my hands because my hands touched him. So working on that, using hand cream, realising I use hands to care for ds, cuddle dh, play guitar etc.

Give it a go and if it works it will be brilliant.

Hi Thistle - this is known as gestalt therapy as you obviousy know as you have researched it. However I think it is important that you are not forced into doing something that you don't feel ready for. The therapist is there to "manage the therapeutic process" and you can set your own agenda.

Maybe you only would feel like saying a little to the "empty chair" and adding (or not) as you go along. So glad you are able to get therapy for your childhood experiences and whilst you will never "get over" what happened to you, it should become more manageable for you. The main thing is that you cease to blame yourself, though I know a lot of adults in your position who feel the same way.

Anyway, you musn't stress over this "empty chair" thing as that is not going to help and if you don't want to do it, say so. YOU are paying for this service. Sometimes a good therapist can move you on a litle by suggesting different techniques and nobody ever said therapy was going to be comfortable. No gain without pain (so to speak)

Sending warm wishes and it would be nice to hear how you got on.

Great post NanaNina. I agree absolutely.

Thanks for the advice. I found it hard just telling him the story but know that the hard work really starts now to address the issues caused by the past.

If you don't feel comfortable doing the 'empty chair' ask to try something else instead.
No child is ever responsible for what an adult does to them. It is NEVER ok for an adult to abuse a child.
Sexual abuse is so complicated and confusing because the abuse can bring up lots of different emotions, fear, excitement, guilt, anger, closeness. I think this is what can sometimes lead people to wondering why they didn't stop it. BUT it isn't the child's responsibility to stop it, its the adults. (just my opinion)
Good luck x

Thinking rationally, I would never think anyone under 16 or even 18 would be responsible for a 'relationship' with someone older than their own parents, particularly a man/men in a position of power. But when it's me it's somehow different - I wasn't a tiny child, just a naive young teen. I consented and although I realise now I did not have the emotional maturity to consent to what was happening it is so hard to stop blaming myself for not fighting or telling someone and stopping them. I think the empty chair might be useful to look at the situation as an adult now and realise that at 13 I was just a confused kid, so can see why counsellor suggested we try it. I guess the only way to find out is to give it a go.

Thistle I was abused as a young child (7-11) and again when I was 19. I always blamed myself, I didn't stop him, I let him do all those things, I was over the age of consent so he was innocent. My dh spend years furious about it until he finally got through to me, together with a close male friend - together they made me realise the truth: That man abused me and it doesn't matter I was 19 - He was twice my age and played on my weakness and vulnerability and my need for affection.

It helps me so much to know that it was his fault. And that possibility is open for you too.