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Mental health

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Original poster

need help

22 replies

AboardtheAxiom · 07/02/2011 14:21

I suffer on and off with depression, came off fluoxetine early december as felt great.

Fast forward to now. I am picking, scratching, tweezering at my face and legs, I have lots of sores, scabs and scars.

I think on a daily basis about how if DS were to die I would commit suicide to join him. I also become very anxious that if I were to die DS would live with his dad (he was emotionally abusive to us and is generally useless - as an example he didn't even manage to put DS's shoes on the right feet yesterday). I worry about morbid stuff like this everyday.

I like the house neat, clean and tidy and sway between getting it all perfect and feeling so overwhelmed that I don't want to pick up toys or wash dishes (i do eventually though as I think of DS, or how ashamed I would be if anyone popped round).

Spent weekend alone, went nowhere, spoke to no one, cried while I walked the dog, etc.

I feel so lost and useless.

OP posts:

madmouse · 07/02/2011 14:34

You need to go back to your doctor. You know that don't you. You deserve help. Ask for counselling while you are there. Don't carry on like this x

Original poster

AboardtheAxiom · 07/02/2011 14:37

I know I do, so why can't I do it?

I have to go get DS from school in a minute and paste a smile on my face. Make playgrond chit chat, and hope no one notices the state I'm in.

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madmouse · 07/02/2011 20:20

Just do it - first thing tomorrow - pick up the phone, say it's urgent.

Leave yourself a bright yellow post-it tonight, somewhere near your breakfast where you see it. Come tell me you've done it tomorrow. Do it for ds...

Original poster

AboardtheAxiom · 07/02/2011 20:45

I will pop back on again tomorrow madmouse if my internet is working (it's been a bit unreliable lately) and will check in. Thanks for replying, it helps to know someone 'heard' me say I am struggling, I wouldn't dream of actually verbally telling someone close to me in RL.

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madmouse · 07/02/2011 20:52

well let's take babysteps and tackle the GP appointment first, but consider telling someone. You'd be so surprised...

I wouldn't be here without support from friends. Maybe you should consider giving them a chance.

Original poster

AboardtheAxiom · 07/02/2011 20:58

My friend was meant to come round today for a cuppa and she cancelled on me, saw me this afternoon at school and insisted she would be round in morning, would come back home with me when we had dropped our sons off. I must have looked a right state.

I text my two closest friends at the weekend and didn't get a reply off either of them, heard from them both today but after I had made first contact again. They're not bad people - they just have their own things going on I guess.

My DSis - I am supporting her at the moment as she has shockingly and rarely opened up about stuff she has been bottling up for a long time. It's rare that she does this and I want to make things better for her, she never asks me for support and I so much want to fix everything for her. She doesn't know I'm feeling down and she's not going to find out. She's taking her turn and it's long overdue.

OP posts:

Original poster

AboardtheAxiom · 08/02/2011 10:29

I'm worried if I go to docs she will think I'm a bad mum, or want to admit me.

Last time I was picking she upped my AD's to 40mg and said if ads didn't help the last resort would be to hospitalise. I can't WON'T go into hospital. Yeah I'm hurting myself but only in a very minor, non life threatening way.

urgh

OP posts:

madmouse · 08/02/2011 11:01

Don't make excuses - no one is going to hospitalise you or take your children away and certainly not over picking at your skin or being depressed. Go phone the doctor now - don't let your depression talk you out of getting help.

I wasn't part of that discussion but from 40mg of ADs to hospitalisation is a quantum leap - different meds, counselling, including CBT, support from a Community Mental Health Team/CPN all come before that!!!

So come on, do it.

kizzie · 08/02/2011 11:21

This is all good advice from madmouse.

Honestly - the last thing your dr will want to do is put you in hospital. there are many many steps before then.

It sounds like you were doing ok before you stopped the prozac (?) - so you can get better but you do need to take that step.

I know EXACTLY how you feel about going back to the dr - but you do need to do it.

At the end of the day you just dont deserve to feel this awful x

Original poster

AboardtheAxiom · 08/02/2011 13:12

Yes I take fluoxetine/ prozac.

I have booked an appointment, couldn't get in until Thursday tea time but at least it's booked.

I have some ads in the cupboard, do you think I should start taking them?

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Original poster

AboardtheAxiom · 08/02/2011 13:14

madmouse different meds/ counselling was not mentioned(strange now when I think back. I asked what we would do if doubling the dose didn't help - hospital was her reply.

When I go I am going to ask to be referred for counselling I don't care how long I have to wait but I do need more help than just pills.

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shodatin · 08/02/2011 15:05

I've been lurking and hoping you'd decide to see GP again, so congratulations, you've done the first step and only two more days to go.
Counselling sounds like a good idea, even if you have to wait a bit, so best wishes - life will soon be better.

madmouse · 08/02/2011 17:45

You've made the appointment! I'm so pleased xx

Original poster

AboardtheAxiom · 09/02/2011 20:34

I'm swaying between wanting desperately to go into the docs NOW and cry, and wanting to hide under my duvet until the end of time and stop wading through treacle.

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sunshineandshowers · 09/02/2011 22:02

I am so sorry AtA.

Do you have anyone you can ring and get to come round now?

Is there anything NOW that you know will make you feel better? A song, crossword, shopping website, tea, bath?

This time will pass x

Original poster

AboardtheAxiom · 10/02/2011 07:46

I ordered a worry stone off ebay (I'm hoping I can fiddle with that instead of picking, wort a try), then went to bed.

I don't have anyone I can ring and ask to come round, I'm currently racking my brains as to who I could ask to have ds for an hour while I go to docs. I usually end up having to take him with me to stuff (he has had to come along when I have had a big molar tooth pulled for example).

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madmouse · 10/02/2011 07:50

Well done ordering that stone for yourself. Modelling clay/playdough may also work as you can pick bits off it.

Will be thinking of you today as you go to docs. Is there really no neighbour who can have him for an hour?

If you need to take him, please go anyway. He's too young for school so obviously still very young. He won't be scarred for life from seeing you cry in front of doctor.

alicemac83 · 10/02/2011 13:34

Madmouse is right - there are loads of things to try before hospitalisation -I've shocked that the doctor even mentioned that!

I'm on 40mg of citralopram - and I was scared to go up as I thought there was nowhere to go after that - but my doctor said there was many different types and we might just need to experiment a bit.

Blips are normal - so don't panic that this is forever. It's not. And don't feel like a failure for going back to the doctor. If you had a chest infection or tonsillitis you wouldn't think twice. depression is an illness, remember that. It's not your fault and you shouldn't feel ashamed.

You'll feel so much better when you've gone to the Doctor - you musn't fight this alone

Original poster

AboardtheAxiom · 10/02/2011 18:51

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied to me, it has eally helped having this thread.

DS is 6 and autistic, only appointment I could get was at 4:30. My neighbours are all horrrible asbo type people so they are out, ex is useless, mum works FT, etc etc. He doesn't register conversations anyway so I just kept calm in the doctors room and spoke to her while he played on the floor with toys.

I have been prescribed a different AD to try, and been given a number for CBT on nhs, will go get ADs and call the CBT serice tomorrow.

Spent most of today with my sister and we both had a moan, kept me occupied.

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madmouse · 10/02/2011 19:20

Well done you for going, and it sounds like you've been listened to {smile]

Hope the ADs kick in soon and that you don't have to wait too long for CBT x

strawberry17 · 10/02/2011 19:30

If you went from 40mg to 0 Fluoexetine in December it's quite possible you are suffering from a bad withdrawal as well, your best bet is to see doctor and restart medication to stabilize yourself. When you are well and decide to come off the medication again (say in a years time or so) wean yourself off very slowly, using liquid medication and a syringe. Once you restart I'm sure you'll start feeling so much better.

strawberry17 · 10/02/2011 19:30

oops sorry just seen you been back to docs, good luck and hope you start feeling well again soon!

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