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Mental health

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Flip

Original poster

I am at the end...

23 replies

clock · 12/10/2005 19:54

Clock, what a crap nickname i have choosen for myself to write this under. So i am not recognised.

Husband had a 9-5 job when i met him on rubbish money. He then started doing shifts for more or less the same money again. He kept putting off having kids saying he could not afford them. 5 years later i split as i had enough. He persuaded me to go back and that he would start a family immediately. He was getting a promotion it would be better money. Fell pregnant straight away but because we wanted 2 children and my clock was ticking on we fell pregnant soon after the 1t was born. Then second was born and we realised that our parent were to old to help. Our 1st one was /is a hand full. Our brothers have never been around children so can not rely on them. We are the last of our freinds to have children so they can not help as they have there own. We can not afford nursery. I am slowly loosing it. huband has to work evry day for overtime and therefore will not get up in the night or evenings to the children. It is 100 % me dealing with the kids all the time. I had a smear test the other day i still had to take the kids. Every appointment i have to take the kids, every diy i do with the kids. I never get a break and i do not know what to do. I want to go to counciling, evening clases etc. But my partners shift does not allow me to as he does not work a set pattern. I talk to my friends and they say they understand but then they say things like they have done the cooking or cleaning when there partners have the kids. I have not smiled for the past 2 months and am constantly crying. I do not enjoy the kids anymore. If i went back to worki would only earn enough money to pay for the childcare.

OP posts:

milward · 12/10/2005 19:55

how old your kids?

startingtobehalloweenylover · 12/10/2005 19:57

is there a local playgroup they could go to?
could you afford to put them in nursery one morning a week?

could you go back to work part time and have the kids in nursery... as i see it it doesn't matter if your wage only pays for the childcare because the main point would be to get you out and socialising with people...

do you go out with friends at all? either with or without kids? could you have one morning a week where you and some friends all go out to a soft play or something where you can let the kids run riot while you have coffee and a chat?

milward · 12/10/2005 19:58

have to go now - hope you're ok xxx

Donbean · 12/10/2005 19:59

Yes that was what i was going to say, how about play group? How old are your kids?

Mum2girls · 12/10/2005 20:03

Some courses provide free creche places.....I think you need to give yourself an hour or two outside of the fog of childcare to find out whats local to you - there are ways of having some time to yourself, but your partner has to stop being selfish and start taking some responsibility for the children if you are to find out what's available.

Lonelymum · 12/10/2005 20:03

Stupid question but could you afford a childminder for one morning a week or is there anyone who could have them for you? I only survived when I had three little ones because my neighbour had my youngest one morning a week when the others were at school/playgroup. It was only three hours a week, but it was my time and it really helped to have that window each week.

gigglinggoblin · 12/10/2005 20:05

do you have a surestart in your area? if not your exact area maybe somewhere localish? there are fantastic for info and help. if they are in your area they can sometimes give grants for childcare so you get some time off

ssd · 12/10/2005 20:06

clock, I really sympathise. My dh worked shifts for 16 years, the last 6 years with kids. I know how you feel we had no time together and I was always with kids with no help, family too old/not married/etc etc.I was seriously losing it. Dh last year took a job that pays less than £200 a week but he's home at night and on the weekends. We've talked about him doing the shift work again to get more cash but I'll move to a caravan first as I know how hard it is.

Sorry nothing great to say, only thing is your kids will get a nursery place at age 3, then you'll only have one at home, then the littliest will go to nursery. Try to hang on. I don't know if they are any good but I've heard of a charity called surestart I think that helps families having difficulty. Maybe you could look them up, you might get someone who could visit for a few hours to give you a break. I considered this, but as I was childminding too I felt it would make me seem like I wasn't coping. Don't be daft like me, try to see if there is help out there for you.

Good luck, wish I could help more.

CreepyJess · 12/10/2005 20:07

Second time I have linked to this tonight... but have you considered HomeStart ?

doormat · 12/10/2005 20:08

could you not join a local neighbourhood college with creche facilities and do a course
I found this really helpful when my kids were very little as it gave me a break and I met a friend for life there

could you organise a sitting circle with your friends ie you have their children over with yours and then have your turn

clock I am sending you hugs, if you need to chat I am here
xxx

Original poster

clock · 12/10/2005 20:08

23 months and 8 months. I am always out, but with the kids too. A job would not even cover the childcare as it is £40 per session for two.

OP posts:

startingtobehalloweenylover · 12/10/2005 20:13

you could contact local colleges that run a childcare course.

you may find some teenagers there who are willing to come in and give you a hand. this may just mean being at your house while you are there and entertaining the kids while you get stuff done, or have a nice long soak in the bath etc etc!

Or you could see if one of them would like to have the kids one morning a week just to take them to the park for a bit or something

Donbean · 12/10/2005 20:23

The 23 month one should be able to go to play school in the next 2/3 months. Mine was 2y 2m and not potty trained and goes for 2 mornings (£6 per session im told its between £5~7 per session depending where you go)
Do a local council search on google for local play groups.
Also is there any infant schools near you because they generally have play schools/pre school stuff for tots attached to them where you can leave your child for a few hours.
you could even ask your HV because they have lists of play schools etc around and near you.

Have you been to see your GP, do you think that you may be suffering from PND? Its just a thought although i do think that your situation is enough to get any one down hun.
Sympathies and hugs to you x
HTHx

CreepyJess · 12/10/2005 20:24

Definitely worth considering HomeStart - I know of families this service has helped when they needed it the most.

QueenVictoria · 12/10/2005 20:33

Clock, where do you live roughly? (i appreciate you might want to remain anonymous but if you could give an area).

Original poster

clock · 12/10/2005 20:33

Thank you. Just got the phone nubers from the website for homestart. Will ring tomorrow. Mys son just had an assessment for a private preschool but did not get in on behaviour. This is the only place around here that takes them from 2. There is only 1 creche which is 5£ per hour per child. I forgot to mention not that its so important now, but each lunch time i have to prepare 3 different lunches for the kids and me as we all have allergies. Do not know what they really are yet as we are all having blood test etc at the mo. But it has always been like it. The dh comes home and i cook again. Rant rant rant!!

OP posts:

QueenVictoria · 12/10/2005 20:35

Why do you have to cook for your DH when he comes home? Cant you prepare extra at lunch for him to heat up when he gets in or just let him sort his own dinner out?

QueenVictoria · 12/10/2005 20:35

Why do you have to cook for your DH when he comes home? Cant you prepare extra at lunch for him to heat up when he gets in or just let him sort his own dinner out?

startingtobehalloweenylover · 12/10/2005 20:38

is there ANYTHING you can make that is ok for you all to eat?

worth starting another thread on it as I am sure there are people on here who can help you out in that respect!

things like stews are fab because you can just chuck it all in the oven and leave it all afternoon!

Original poster

clock · 12/10/2005 20:40

He does eat what we eat wither. Pressure i have had from other people i suppose why i cook for him. I get told all the time, He leaves the house at 5.30am and doesn't get home til 8pm each night. You have to. Thats what i get told..... Makes me feel even more crapper than i always do....

OP posts:

startingtobehalloweenylover · 12/10/2005 20:43

you don't HAVE to do anything.
seriously... buy him a microwave meal a couple of times a week!
it is far more important that you get some time to yourself and that yuo feel happy than him getting a dinner each night!

Original poster

clock · 12/10/2005 20:44

I think the meal thing will be the easiest one to concor

OP posts:

startingtobehalloweenylover · 12/10/2005 20:49

definitely! don't make any extra work for yourself....
do you feel better for talking about it?
sometimes i find i just need to get it all out and figure out a few ways forward and things start to look up a bit.

i'm afraid i have to be off now.. but hope you feel a bit better

Flip