I have a 3.5yo DS1 and a 6mo DS2. DS2 has never slept through the night, and I am exhausted. I can't extract the way I now feel from that exhaustion, hence my question, as I don't know whether I'm just very tired and have lost perspective or whether this is PND.
I can't stop crying, I have no motivation to tidy and clean the house. I got out of the shower the other morning and just wanted to put my pyjamas back on. I can't bear my appearance - I look so fat and tired - but I keep comfort eating and then hating myself for it. I keep rowing with my (very supportive) DH, telling him he doesn't understand what it's like to do this parenting thing every single day, and not having had a break at all for six months. I'm just so, so tired I feel dizzy, but after I feed DS2 in the night I lie awake for hours not able to get back to sleep myself.
DS2's sleep is the thing that I find the most difficult to handle, as he's useless at self-settling, and wakes from naps after 45 minutes without fail. And then is really grouchy about an hour after waking, so I have been trying for months to extend these naps, meaning I could be settling him for 2-3 naps every day, and then another 2-3 times after 45 minutes. So I could be in a dark room rocking a very heavy grizzly baby for 20 minutes up to 6 times every day, and probably twice in the night as well.
When I hear him grumbling and whingeing, I just feel my blood pressure rising so much and it makes me really angry that he cannot do this without my help. I need a break too. Sometimes I put him down in the pram for a nap... the other day I was so angry I shouted at him to shut up and flung the pram as far as I could. I have been known to be rough with him when putting him back in the cot as I just lose my temper. More often than not, though, I silently cry in the dark just wishing I didn't have to do this. Last night, things were really bad as DS2 has a cold. I went to feed him, and found myself at the top of the stairs. It occurred to me that I could throw myself down, not to kill myself but to engineer a situation in which someone else has to take responsibility for this because I don't feel I can handle it anymore.
Like I say, I don't know if this is PND or if everyone feels this way when extremely tired and frankly quite bored of how mundane and drudgy the baby phase can be. If it is PND, what do I do? If it's not, what do I do? I really need help, I feel like I've reached the end of my tether.