why do i feel like this hes all i ever wanted

[MrsKate]

hi girls

i just needed to talk and tell someone how i feel i need some advice .

i had my ds 10 months ago by c section a month early due to pre eclampsia. i felt a faliure as a mum from the moment he was put im my arms. i really wanted a natural birth i felt like i missed out on labour and birth . i kept thinking ive got a baby but not experienced birth . i was unable to breastfeed also due to him being early and my milk not coming in i tred for 4 horrible days untill the dr said he needed formula . another faliure moment !!.

i have alway suffered with low self esteem and low confidence since a child and always doubt my abilities but i didnt think i would feel like this when i became a mum . i had been ttc for 2 years and suffered a mc in feb 09 and got pg with ds 3 months after . maybe my body was ready but my mind wasnt ?

i feel i have wasted my time off with ds by not wanting to go out or socalising with other mums as i felt like a bad mum i didnt want poeple thinking the same . i didnt leave the house for 6 weeks over summer. i went back to work as a a+ e nurse in oct last year but only lasted a month before i went to dr and started on anti depressents . i am just starting to feel better .

i just wanted to share my story and see if anyone else is going through the same thing as me .

Oh mrskate I can totally relate to the feeling of failure, I struggled with b/feeding and had to give up early on it made me feel so bad, when all my friends were b/feeding and somehow I couldn't. Felt like my DD was rejecting me as she didn't want to suck.

I've heard people say similar things to you re not "experiencing birth" because of c-section. However, pre eclampsia and the c-section could in NO WAY have been your fault. I know it doesn't take away the feeling, but there was really nothing you could have done. No one chooses pre-eclampsia. They did what they had to do to keep both you and DS safe I'm sure.

BTW you may well have had Post natal depression. I had it quite severely, and I realise now that I blamed a lot of my experiences for feeling a failure as a mum, when actually it was prob the PND. E.g. for me it was not being able to b/feed. However I had a vaginal delivery and that in no way made me feel like I had somehow achieved being a good mum. Just wondering if perhaps you have projected your negative feelings onto the birth experience of the c-section, when actually you were suffering PND.

I always wanted to be a mum and never expected to struggle with it. It has been quite a shock to me how hard and monotonous and draining I find it. However, my DD is 3 now and I'm enjoying life a lot more than I did when she was a baby. So I suppose what I'm trying to say is that it can and DOES get better. It';s good you've got help and that you're starting to feel better now. Don't give up the fight, it's so easy to feel discouraged but you'd be amazed how many new mums feel like you. I understand the not wanting to socialise but I bet if you did you would find that a lot of people look on the surface to be perfect coping mums, but underneath they are a bag of worries and insecurities and could probably relate to much of what you say.

thank you for you advice im glad im not alone in feeling like this xxxxxxxx