Please help

[mamamurf10]

I really just need someone to tell me this is going to get better.
I don't know if I will believe you but I am having a really black day and feel like at best running away and at worst jumping off a bridge. My baby has been on hunger strike with regards to milk for 2 full days, I have stopped breastfeeding as due to exhaustion and postnatal depression my supply had got so low that I couldn't feed her, however she has terrible bottle aversion and the first 30 hours of her hunger strike were a protracted battle with the bottle. She also hates formula, of any description and even refuses solids with any mixed in.
We had planned on weaning normally however as with everything else that didn't pan out and we were advised the only way to do it was to go cold turkey and ride out a hunger strike.

Anyway once she had got to a day and a half we took her down to a baby clinic and spoke to my lovely health visitor who said that the most important thing is to get some fluid into her whatever she would take, if I had any expressed milk frozen or water or juice anything and gave us syringes to use as she hasn't quite mastered a cup yet and gets very little in her mouth. She said there are babies who will never take formula and a dietician will talk to us about what she needs on top of normal cow's milk in her solids to make sure she gets what she needs, as she eats pretty much everything put in front of her.

I know that is all good news, but I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel, I feel like everything is wrong and when she cries I can't help her. I hate it, I never thought being a mum would be easy but I never realised it would be so constant a battle. I had a 'traumatic' delivery, then a few weeks into her life got mastitis and a breast abscess but continued feeding her, then she developed reflux, now she won't take any type of bottle with any type of milk in it - expressed or otherwise. We can only get tiny sips of fluid into her with a cup and we can't get any milk into her other than with a syringe, which she hates, as she flatly refuses any type of milk from bottle or cup.

I feel like I am torturing my child and I can't cope, I feel like the worst mum in the world and I tried so hard to do the right thing, I followed all the rules I was given and it's all falling apart.

I know a lot of this is about feeding but it has gone way beyond that now, I just think I'm not fit to be a mother, I can't do anything right and I think she would be better off without me.

oh my..... Believe me as horrid as this is, it's a moment in time and it gets better.

You are not failing. To fail would be not to try, not to seek assistance. You have had a rough trot. And when a baby refuses to feed it's utterly awful. And the worst thing to do is stress. It could be she has a cold, she us teething, she's not feeling well.

Have you done the lonely trek of different bottles and different teats? Expensive and possibly pointless but there may be one out there she likes.

Keep a record on what she's taking liquids and solids. It might be more than you think. This will come in handy for chats with your HV and Dr.

What's your HV like? Is she a gem? If so keep phoning up for reassurance. It will help you feel less lonely.

Hopefully someone with good ideas will come along soon.

oh and I think you should go and see a Dr. Print off your initial post and hand it to them. Let them read it

Do you have any support? Any chance of Saturday off and you can go out on your own?

oh, you sound so tired and down, it brought back memories reading your thread. i found it really hard to in the earlier days, nightmare actually although alot of women won't admit to that. i too had what i would call mild pnd and after about 8 months gave into it and went on anti' ds for a year (exactly) even though i said i would never take the bloody things although they actually made me feel 'normal' again and allowed me to relax and stop stressing all the time, i thought i was a terrible useless mum constantly (still do, only joking). have you talked to your hv about how you are feeling as it is important as to how you are as well as you baby. my boobs were useless when i had dd, i bf although never had enough milk and ended up doing both although i have read what yo have said about your child not liking bottle. you need proper help and guildance from your gp. you must be so tired too, you have all these hormones so it is really hard for you to be able to function. my dd had TERRIBLE eczema when she was a baby, unusually bad and we had a nightmare dealing with it, plus i was in terrible pain bf (mastitus, bleeding nipples, etc) but it DOES get better. after the first 8 months (which i still look back on an cringe) i LOVED motherhood. people would always say to me it does get better and they were right but you need to make sure you are getting all the help you need now. you are not a bad mother, the opposite actually as you care and are stressing about your child, a bad mother wouldn't give a shit, take care of yourself and make sure you get the proper help, for you and your baby.

you're having a rotten time and you're exhausted but you WILL get through this bit. Well done for recognising your PND. Are you getting any support for you as well as your daughter? You are absolutely not the worst mum in the world, you must care very deeply about your DD's welfare to post on here and that speaks volumes. Keep posting.