Is there anything wrong with me? Is this normal?

[Pootles2010]

I haven't namechanged because... I don't know how to, and besides I don't think anyone really knows me on here.

My first child was born nearly 6 months ago, and I don't think I'm really over it. I don't think of it often, but when I do, or when i see something like 'one born every minute', it really upsets me and I have to change channel. Idea of doing it again brings me out in a cold sweat. Not even like it was bad - pretty straightforward, 12 hours, natural birth, 2nd degree tear. I just found it awful. I wasn't allowed epidural, as I couldn't keep still with the pain, and I guess I just was shocked how much it really hurt.

So anyway I think that might have affected my bonding with ds. Our first 2 months or so were hellish, he didn't sleep well (or at all, at times), and I was a mess - DP admitted recently he worried about leaving me alone with him. I never wanted to hurt him, just was seriously considering having him adopted, or leaving him with grandparents and running away.

Its better now, but still not great - it only occurred to me today that I see him as a chore, I want to keep him happy and I do miss him when he's not there, but don't feel like I think I should?

I don't think its post natal depression, I don't have problems sleeping (other than when he's keeping me up), and def not lost appetite. I try to get out, made some nice friends at post natal group, dp is wonderful, I just feel... like I'm missing something.

I feel really pathetic writing this. Maybe its all fine and I should just shut up.

Sorry this is so long.

Hi Pootles. Not sure if I have anything particularly constructive to say, but wanted you to know that you've been heard. It sounds as if you're being really hard on yourself following a really traumatic experience. It's so hard when you're a new mum. I'm sure most people think you should instantly bond, everything should be blissfully happy but the reality is that it's really hard work in the beginning but it does get better. You sound like you're doing a great job despite the trauma. I know you say you don't think you have post natal depression, but it might be worth having a chat with your HV and being honest about your feelings. I'll bet you'll get some relief and support to get you through this difficult time. You said it yourself - you're still not over it. Don't be too hard on yourself, you're doing great. Good luck Pootles, I'm sure there will be some great advice from others on here soon.

Thanks for replying niknak. I don't think it should have been traumatic though - can understand it if forceps, horrific tearing etc, but mine was just pretty normal.

I can't really talk to anyone about it - I know i'll just start crying, I find it really hard to stop crying once I've started, and I won't even be able to talk to explain myself properly.

I think I'll be ok once I get back to work, I just don't think its fair for ds to not have a mother that loves him properly.

Sounds rather like PND - trouble bonding, thinking your son deserves a better mother. I'd try and join a PND group if you can find one in your area. You will soon find that you are not alone.

It may be mild-ish PND - which means this is a good time to get some help!

this is the test that healthcare professionals use to assess whether you have post natal depression - scores over 10 should be checked out with the doc or health visitor really.

Thanks both. I did that test mad - only got an 11, which i guess isn't too bad. I may mention to health visitor. I don't think its that bad, maybe linked to lack of sleep I think. Which makes me sound totally pathetic.

It's a very broad test Pootles2010 - some of it will be about how they feel you are. I don't think you are at all pathetic - you deserve support as much as anyone.

that sounds like my normality.

sometimes the early stages are just plain shit. thank god for mumsnet where you can talk about this stuff and get other mothers to put it into perspective. certainy 21 years ago before the invention of t'internet, i was a very lonley isolated teen mum who thought she was losing the bloody plot.

to this day, a certain cry from a baby can make me want to run away and sob - it was a horrible time.

It does sound like PND to me. I had it and never had any trouble sleeping or eating! It sound's to me like you are underplaying it because you don't want it to be real. Better to get some help and get better. You might just need to chat about how you feel a bit more. It doesn't last forever (normally) but don't let it fester.

It sounds like PND to me too - though obviously I'm no doctor. I have v similar symptoms - and it doesn't affect my sleep or appetite.

Both the birth and motherhood weren't as I expected (ended up in theatre after ventouse and 3rd degree tears)..I think I had really high expectations of myself and a v rose tinted view of motherhood.

I was really really distressed about the bonding thing, which was the issue that propelled me to get help. I now see a brilliant CBT therapist and am taking ADs (not for everyone and to be honest I think they only took the edge off my symptoms but everyone reacts differently).

While I know it can be a hard slog and a lot of what you're feeling is normal, it would be worth seeing your GP as you don't have to feel this way and you will feel less trapped.

Good luck and hope things improve.

I know what you mean about DC feeling like a chore... I love it when she smiles and giggles at me, but as soon as she starts being difficult I get cross and just want her to shut up, which makes me think that I'm just a horrible mother and probably should never have had a baby! (I do love her but often think she deserves better too).

So I haven't got any advice I'm afraid, but you're not the only one feeling like this!

Exactly how i feel metalhead - thing is i never wanted kids, when all my friends did, but then i met dp and it seemed possible ... I think i'm kind of doing ok, not total meltdown (yet), just not a natural maybe? All women at postnatal are on about how they're dreading leaving babies at nursery, and how they might become childminders - the thought brings me out in a cold sweat.

Me too - never really wanted kids until I met DH and saw him with other people's kids, and thought 'he'd make a great dad!'

Then I sort of rushed into getting pregnant because I hated my job, but the maternity pay was great, so thought I might as well do it now rather than wait another few years... Mind you, I don't know if I'd ever have been more 'ready'. Like you say, I just don't think I'm a natural. But I'm trying my best, and hoping it'll gradually get better the older she gets!

It's only been six months Pootles, you're still recovering from a traumatic experience.

Although you had a straightforward birth, you've experienced unimagined pain, responsibility for a new life, sleep deprivation, a momentous change in your family circumstances, extra financial responsibility, change in daily routine...no wonder you're feeling the way you are.

I was in shock for the first six months after my first baby and I don't honestly think it was PND - just a bit of difficulty in adjusting to all the changes (and having to be grown up and responsible at a young age).

Take all the help you are offered, rest all you can, be kind to yourself and give yourself time to adjust.

I wish I'd had Mumsnet when my babies were samll - it's a fabulous source of support and information. Oh, and I still cringe when I watch One Born Every Minute, and my youngest is 28!

small obviously!