Is it possible that I have had/still have PND?

[NoWayNoHow]

I know it's stupidly late in the day to start a new thread, but thinking about it so thought I'd strike while the iron is hot, as they say!

A little back story: immobile for second half of pregnancy, horrific and traumatic birth for both me and DS, post-partem infection, DS needed cranial osteopathy (although no-one told us this till he was 8 weeks, so had 8 weeks non-stop screaming).

This was all over 3 years ago now, but I've always felt useless as a mother. Before I got pregnant, and even during my pregnancy, I was convinced that I was broody/maternal/a mother-in-waiting. After his birth, I just was angry ALL the time. Angry for the hell I went through, angry because my poor little DS had such a terribly entry into the world, and even angry with really good friends who had comparatively easy births - I couldn't even feel happy for them because I was so jealous.

Obviously as time has gone on, I've started to regain some control. I still have no plans for another child as I think I'm too rubbish just with one, and I'm convinced that I wouldn't be able to cope with another. If I@m honest, I frequently feel like I'm barely coping just with one.

Don't get me wrong - my DS is wonderful, charming, funny, and smart, and he makes me laugh. I try every day to appreciate him, kiss him, hug him and show him how much I love him, because he really is the most incredible thing I've ever done.

However, he's also incredibly demanding, relentless, willfull and stubborn, though, and to this day I find myself often on the verge of tears where I just can't even look at him because he's made me so cross. Or I have days where I'm just so exhausted emotionally by him that I just withdraw and plonk him down in front of the TV.

Sometimes, and this makes me SO and , I have been so furious with him that I've thought (for a split second, and only in my head) that my life would be so much better if I'd never gotten pregnant. And as soon as that thought even enters my head, I just weep and feel so dreadful and incompetent and inferior.

Why is it so hard? Have I made it hard? Am I right when I say that I'm probably just a really crap mother? It was only the other day when some mums in a parents group I go to were talking about PND that it suddenly hit me - is that what happened to me? If so, how did I not know? How did nobody else notice?

I don't know much about it so would appreciate any feedback on here. I just need someone to tell me that I'm not a total freak...

Sounds like you went through a horrendous time with the birth of your ds, and that kind of thing stays with you for a long time . I think we all feel like that from time to time but if it is most of the time then there may be things your GP can do to help, and you shouldn't try to struggle on by yourself. I'm no expert but you can certainly have PND long after giving birth and some people even have Post traumatic stress disorder after a bad birth. FWIW I know (personally) how crap it can make you feel when you decide you need to get some help but for me it was well worth it.

Hi, I too think it's entirely possible as I am being treated for PND at the moment (my DS is 6 months) and I've read just about everything on the subject...though obviously that doesn't make me a trained professional :)

Anger, resentment and feelings of inferiority are all symptomatic of PND - it is an incredibly isolating illness and can make you think some scary, irrational thoughts about yourself/your dc.

My advice would be to seek help - I had to go a couple of times but I eventually received incredible support from an amazing empathetic GP who has not only managed to get me CBT, which I'm finding really helpful, but has also been a constant support for me. You will feel better by addressing this - and believe me it's far more common than you think. Research says at least 1 in 5 mums will experience it to some degree (and that's just the ones who come forward).

Don't despair - there is a way out of it and being kind to yourself is important too. Here if you need to chat anytime. Best of luck with seeking help.