Not coping

[iansgal]

Hi all

Had citalopram Oct 09 to Mar 10 and was fab. Had being having panic attacks and anxiety and the tabs plus some hypnotherapy and relaxation sorted it all out. Been great since. Was I think tied to my dad dying when I was four. Panicked about me dying or something happening to my son. Basically became a neurotic hypochondriac!

However, was ill just before this christmas with sinus problems, then dental pain and then developed urticaria (hives/allergy reaction). Been having swellings on shoulders and arms and hives on hands, arms, shoulders, feet, chest.

Been to Dermatologist and am on anti-histamines and low histamine diet to try to rid.

Still do not know if is food related, illness related or what is causing it.

Speaking to GP today to see what to do next e.g. allergy patch testing.

Had a severe allergic reaction a few years ago to something (no idea what, one off incident) and ended up in resusitation which was terrifying.

However, over course of 5 weeks had this have really gone down hill. Have had a panic attack and this morning broke down in tears at the sight of 4 new hives (had been clear for a few days so thought was going). Vomited once and then got into a state thinking was having a more severe allergic reaction.

Am falling apart again I can feel it. Work been very stressful also and know that stress can cause hives so maybe it is all related and no food/allergy/illness is involved.

Think am going to ask to go back on cit as don't want this to get anymore out of hand than it already is.

Feel bitterly disappointed with myself that i cannot control my reaction to this and am just in a state of panic that am going to drop dead with anaphylaxis or something.

Got a wedding next week and am in a panic about idea of driving 3 hours away from my son and being faced with a 3 course meal I no doubt will not be able to eat due to this diet restriction. Can't drink so can't even rely on wine to help! Can see a panic attack coming on whilst am there as know these worries about leaving him and being far away, esp when ill are getting to me again. Have texted Bride and asked what menu is in case can change to veggie options but she has not replied. Am wondering whether to back out now for calmness sake, plus she has two weeks to invite someone else from evening to day to take our places. I feel awful, I just don't think I can stand going and then breaking down. Long drive there and being in car was when first panic attack started from 2009 when driving a long distance from my son (my dad died in a car crash as did a best friend some years later).

Anyone else been through this - any of it????

Thank you! x

So sorry iansgal - I have suffered 2 major episodes of depression and am still trying to recover from the last one. The last episode came after an illness - campylobacter (a horrible food poisoning thing like salmonella) and many nurses (I was hospitalised for 3 months) told me that depression and anxiety can often come on after a physical illness. Sorry I don't know anything about your illness but it sounds horrible and very stressful for you.

I would definitely go to the GP and get more ADs so that you might "catch it" before symptoms get any worse.

As for the wedding I would most definitely cancel it on the grounds of your ill health at the moment. I think this thought of the wedding is adding to your anxiety a great deal and this is not going to help.

It's only a wedding and you not being there won't spoil the day for anyone else ... look after yourself first and do everything you can to keep the dep/anx at bay, though with you it does sound more like anxiety. Do you do the deep breathing techniques for anxiety- they are quite useful.

Sending you good wishes and I am sure there will be brighter times ahead.

I totally know how you feel, I almost lost my life in 2002 and was resucitated twice, i remember the pain and feelings of despair as i didnt want to die and leave my daughter then 8 years old, I have suffered with depression ever since and went on to Citalopram and it helped tremendously, then stupidly i felt better so I stopped it 2 months ago, and I hit rock bottom last week, all those feelings of the fear of dying, i too have a fear of anaphlaxys and I constantly worry about leaving my children motherless, i have a 2 year old son now aswell, I constantly worry about them aswell that they are going to die, it is something which I cannot control, so I am now back on Citlaopram and frankly dont care if I am on them for the rest of my life as long as I am in control. I am going to see a mental health nurse this time to try to talk some things through, the swine flu thing triggared my anxiety off this time, I convinced myself that me and my family were going to die from it, and nobody could tell me otherwise, I was a complete mess, screaming, shaking, vomiting!! It has been awful, now i am taking one day at a time, some days are good and some are poor, but I know i will get better as i have done before! Hope this helps in someway, feel free to message me back if you want to talk more XX Take care XX

Yes, go back on the citalopram. It's not a failure. In fact, you should be congratulated for noticing that you need it before things get way out of hand. Most people don't.

Thank you all so much, already feel much calmer knowing am not alone. Don't personally know anyone to talk to who has been through this so can feel quite alienated.

Am wondering (option 2!!) whether to go to the wedding but leave around 9pm and drive home. Trying to think if driving home at end of night would make me feel better in thinking that am only going for the day and can be back home by midnight....having said that it's a long drive and at the end of a day not ideal. Really don't know what to do, don't want to upset my friend but just don't feel up to it. I guess if she is a friend she will understand?

The swine flu headlines had me worried too, the newspapers do make a song and dance of things which does not help. Got to a point last time I had all this where I did not read papers, watch news or anything. 'No news is good news' logic.

Had twitching in left eye this afternoon which I know is stress related. Had some palpitations also and upper lip tingling. Feel like am going mad.

Spoke to GP and she has prescript waiting for me at surgery. Hope they work as well as they did last time.

SammEC

• oh my God, that's awful. It's terrifying isn't it. I was bright red, sweating, eye whites were even red. Heart beating like a drum, felt like was going to explode out of my chest, going so fast could barely catch breath. Plus the panic, the feeling of doom, it was just awful. So very very scary. It's very much what a panic attack is like, except that you are obviously ok. That's why all this has got to me now I think. Do you know what you are allergic to? Did you have testing done? Have read that you can have it done privately so speeds things up rather than wait through your GP? x

Earwicga - thank you, thats really kind. x

NanaNina - I just feel like am letting her down but in my heart really do not want to go. Neither DH or I know single other person who is going to be there apart from her and the groom.
I know some people did not come to our wedding, but only told us on the day which was annoying has had empty seats which was too late to fill.
I guess if it were me, I would just rather know now to bump some evening guests up the list. It's adding to her workload I know, but can't drink, won't be able to eat much....are we (mainly me) not a wasted invitation anyway?
They describe the venue as 'colossal' so by the time we've said hello and they've moved on to the next guest, think we will barely see them. For a colossal venue, you'd have a least 150+ guests....
Think DH will be disappointed not to go, he hates letting people down and gets worried about the impact it will have on their relationship with you (goes back to his childhood....)
x